"A day may come when the courage of men fails, when we forsake our
friends and break all bonds of fellowship, but it is not this day. An
hour of woes and shattered shields, when the age of men comes crashing
down! But it is not this day! This day we fight! By all that you hold
dear on this good Earth, I bid you *stand, Men of the West!" A quote from Return of the King, one of my all time favorite trilogy's. That is pretty much how I feel now. I have fight/passion left in me and I will not fail. I have come through my dark days, renewed, changed, and with a deep deep appreciation for simplicity.
Today, for the first time in a very long while, I can smile from the inside for no reason. It is good enough that the sun is out and warming every cell in my body.
Change is in the air.
I am leaving the sad events that have plagued my past months behind, in the past where they belong. I have been reshaped, as if by fire, or perhaps that would be reborn. I know what I want, I know what I don't want. It is crystal clear to me. I will take steps to ensure that my vision comes to life for me. We have this life on earth, and I want to make it a good, happy one.
In the past few days I have paid off some major debts and closed the accounts. There are still a couple to go, but the point is I AM GETTING THERE. I feel lighter in my soul. I sleep like a puppy that has eaten well, drunk it's milk, had some love and is curled up in warmth. How the table has turned.
I may not be able to my friends and families extravegent or expensive gifts this christmas, but they will have my love, my time and company.
I'm also moving to another company. A place that I will be able to thrive in, a place that will utilise the skills I have to offer for their benefit and will reward me. Perhaps I'm walking in with "new eyes", whatever it is, I am happy to be changing and am confident that this is the correct step for me to be taking at this, the right time.
Christmas times also brings up the whole food issue. Well I'm not going to make a huge issue out of it. I will enjoy myself, guilt free and then get back on the wagon again.
May your christmas be blessed if you celebrate and if not, may your time be blessed. May you and your families be safe for now and always. If you have been working hard at overcoming something and have fallen off the wagon now and again, that is alright. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, set your mind aright and start off again.
All the best.
From a healthier Lou: mind, body and spirit.
Monday, 19 December 2011
Thursday, 08 December 2011
There is a break in the clouds...
I see it and I feel it! Honestly a few weeks back I wanted to end my life on this earth. I felt like I couldn't bare another day, another hurt, another blow. I was at my lowest that I have ever been in my 35 + years on this planet. Even when I left my religion and family of 30 years - it wasn't as bad as recent events.
Hindsight is a marvelous thing. Human determination and courage is another, more specifically (without tooting my own horn) my courage and determination! It is a monstorous task to haul oneself out of the mire when you are neck deep and no one is sight to lasoo you out. There were times I wanted to given in and put my head under, but there was something in me that wouldn't quit. It was that essense of something greater than mere flesh, greater than our little minds can comprehend - the divine. It was aware and watchful and let my egoic mind war with itself. When I surrended to that quite place, THAT is when peace filled the void and anshakeable resolution to 'get right'!
I'm definitely in a much better place. I"M BACK ON DIET!!! BACK to eating HEALTHY, NUTRITIOUS meals. I'm happy with that decision. I had let myself go while wallowing in pity and eaten whatever I wanted to numb what I was feeling, all it did was put on a bit of weight and make me hate myself even more. I take comfort knowing that it hasn't taken me 5 years to get back on track. Got it down to 2 months!
I'm also going to be trying something a little different. I'm going to do vegan one day and then a bit of animal protein the next. I watched an amazing doccie called Forks over Knives and it details the effect animal products and general crap have on the human body and how in fact it encourages cancer growth and heart attacks and strokes. It made my heart sore. I saw the pits my uncle had fallen into, the food myths we all believe as it's been drummed into us from young. Meat for protein, milk for calcium etc. As with anything, changing the mindset is difficult and initally we want to go against it. Trust me I know all about hitting my head. So I'm embracing this new information and will be incorporating more protein rich beans/lentils into my diet and see how that goes for me. I do still have chicken in my freeze and will use that up (thus the one day vegan one day very lean animal product) I do still have that goal of being fit and healthy and baby I'm back! It feels so wonderful to be in control again.
The lunch I had today was brown lentils, that had been boiled with a bit of salt, garlic and curry powder. Boiled to perfection. I had that with some chopped up cherry tomatoes, mushrooms and red chilli. Mixed all together - delicious. Tonight's dinner is going to be 35g dry soy mince - soaked (when soaked the soy mince triples in it's weight) I'm going to curry the soy mince and add a bit of garlic and ginger! Seasoning is very important with soy products. I'll be eating that with a bit of braised cabbage and onion. Don't turn your noses up - it's not half bad.....well I hope not :)
Another aspect that is now more in my control - my job. I mentioned I resigned, I'm greatly looking forward to leaving the old behind me and to take on new challenges. I'm so confident that I'm going to succeed that I'm munching at the bit to get out there and enjoy my new career with new people that want to see me succeed! Viva Braby's Creative. I know that even though I'm initially going to be earning less, I'm going to be much much happier and that already is fantastic.
Still do have a couple of things that need sorting out. My car needs a good check up. It hasn't been the same since it was stolen. It will get sorted.
I can feel myself starting to smile from the inside again - for me that is a good measure on how I am doing. I'm looking forward to my last day, I'm looking forward to hanging out with a great mate that is coming to visit. Starting to look forward to christmas.
To those that are going through hard times and I know there are those out there - be it financial, relationship, religion, personal, whatever really......hang in there, reach out to those around you and let them know that you are in fact not okay - be truthful about that. Find one little thing that can make you smile a little - mine was preggie Esther - she knew something was up and would sleep with me and let me rub her little tummy and love her. Hang in there. We are all stronger than we know - I know that now. I made it and so can you.
Be well.
Hindsight is a marvelous thing. Human determination and courage is another, more specifically (without tooting my own horn) my courage and determination! It is a monstorous task to haul oneself out of the mire when you are neck deep and no one is sight to lasoo you out. There were times I wanted to given in and put my head under, but there was something in me that wouldn't quit. It was that essense of something greater than mere flesh, greater than our little minds can comprehend - the divine. It was aware and watchful and let my egoic mind war with itself. When I surrended to that quite place, THAT is when peace filled the void and anshakeable resolution to 'get right'!
I'm definitely in a much better place. I"M BACK ON DIET!!! BACK to eating HEALTHY, NUTRITIOUS meals. I'm happy with that decision. I had let myself go while wallowing in pity and eaten whatever I wanted to numb what I was feeling, all it did was put on a bit of weight and make me hate myself even more. I take comfort knowing that it hasn't taken me 5 years to get back on track. Got it down to 2 months!
I'm also going to be trying something a little different. I'm going to do vegan one day and then a bit of animal protein the next. I watched an amazing doccie called Forks over Knives and it details the effect animal products and general crap have on the human body and how in fact it encourages cancer growth and heart attacks and strokes. It made my heart sore. I saw the pits my uncle had fallen into, the food myths we all believe as it's been drummed into us from young. Meat for protein, milk for calcium etc. As with anything, changing the mindset is difficult and initally we want to go against it. Trust me I know all about hitting my head. So I'm embracing this new information and will be incorporating more protein rich beans/lentils into my diet and see how that goes for me. I do still have chicken in my freeze and will use that up (thus the one day vegan one day very lean animal product) I do still have that goal of being fit and healthy and baby I'm back! It feels so wonderful to be in control again.
The lunch I had today was brown lentils, that had been boiled with a bit of salt, garlic and curry powder. Boiled to perfection. I had that with some chopped up cherry tomatoes, mushrooms and red chilli. Mixed all together - delicious. Tonight's dinner is going to be 35g dry soy mince - soaked (when soaked the soy mince triples in it's weight) I'm going to curry the soy mince and add a bit of garlic and ginger! Seasoning is very important with soy products. I'll be eating that with a bit of braised cabbage and onion. Don't turn your noses up - it's not half bad.....well I hope not :)
Another aspect that is now more in my control - my job. I mentioned I resigned, I'm greatly looking forward to leaving the old behind me and to take on new challenges. I'm so confident that I'm going to succeed that I'm munching at the bit to get out there and enjoy my new career with new people that want to see me succeed! Viva Braby's Creative. I know that even though I'm initially going to be earning less, I'm going to be much much happier and that already is fantastic.
Still do have a couple of things that need sorting out. My car needs a good check up. It hasn't been the same since it was stolen. It will get sorted.
I can feel myself starting to smile from the inside again - for me that is a good measure on how I am doing. I'm looking forward to my last day, I'm looking forward to hanging out with a great mate that is coming to visit. Starting to look forward to christmas.
To those that are going through hard times and I know there are those out there - be it financial, relationship, religion, personal, whatever really......hang in there, reach out to those around you and let them know that you are in fact not okay - be truthful about that. Find one little thing that can make you smile a little - mine was preggie Esther - she knew something was up and would sleep with me and let me rub her little tummy and love her. Hang in there. We are all stronger than we know - I know that now. I made it and so can you.
Be well.
Monday, 28 November 2011
**insert sigh**
This weekend I moved out of my beloved flat into a single room. Most of my worldly possessions fit into a single room. For me - that is a good thing. I've never been one to collect, hold on to or hoard mounds of stuff. So I moved and have found a place for everything - just about. I still need to put in 3 shelves in the one cupboard. I'll be picking Belle up this evening and taking her to her new home - I hope she will settle in and find her little paws.
I do still have to paint 2 walls and de-wallpaper a door - I'll be heading over after work to do that - that's after I've been to the police station for the umptemth time to get another affidavit - I didn't realise they were only valid for 3 days, so when I drove allllllllllllllllllllll the way to Rossbourgh to renew my license I couldn't. I'm pretty sure all the governmental departments are set up to a) waste as much of your time as they possibly can 2) irritate the living daylights out of you 3) take your money for their crap services. A wasted trip, wasted time, wasted petrol - give me strength lord because I have none left!
Definitely jumping back on track diet wise - I'm sick of food, plus the right combination does actually make you feel better inside and out, it does effect your mood. I need all the pick me ups I can get right now - so I'm going to medicate myself with healthy foods. Bought all my groceries again, pulled out the scale and am all geared up to once again take control of this aspect of my life. I still want to get to enjoy all the things I put off. Classic example: There is an opportunity to go zip lining this coming friday - I have declined because I am still fat and I don't feel comfortable hanging around losing all strands of the little bit of dignity I have left. I may have done it 2 months ago, when I was strong mentally, but I'm just not there and I don't want to embarress myself in front of anyone right now.
Christmas is looming - another flippen year gone by. Jeez how time flies - whether or not you are having fun it still flies. Granted I'm not in the christmas spirit - my mom's tree does look very festive and does give off a happy glo.
The one thing that does just fill me up with joy and love - Esther's puppies - they are so sweet, so gorgeous, so adorable. A bundle of warmth lil wimpers looking for a teat. There are 5 of them (4 girls and 1 boy). There is no way I can feel depressed/down/sad when I look at that lil bundle. I enjoy lying with them and putting them all on top of me.
I'm looking forward to 2012. I'll be starting a new job - sure I have nerves but I've been in this advertising business for 15 years, I'm confident I'll be okay, more than okay, I'll be happier workwise for sure.
Other than that, I'm literally taking one day at a time and trying to tick off all that I have to do and sort out. Still got quite a list and quite a ways to go - but I'll get there eventually.
Stay well.
I do still have to paint 2 walls and de-wallpaper a door - I'll be heading over after work to do that - that's after I've been to the police station for the umptemth time to get another affidavit - I didn't realise they were only valid for 3 days, so when I drove allllllllllllllllllllll the way to Rossbourgh to renew my license I couldn't. I'm pretty sure all the governmental departments are set up to a) waste as much of your time as they possibly can 2) irritate the living daylights out of you 3) take your money for their crap services. A wasted trip, wasted time, wasted petrol - give me strength lord because I have none left!
Definitely jumping back on track diet wise - I'm sick of food, plus the right combination does actually make you feel better inside and out, it does effect your mood. I need all the pick me ups I can get right now - so I'm going to medicate myself with healthy foods. Bought all my groceries again, pulled out the scale and am all geared up to once again take control of this aspect of my life. I still want to get to enjoy all the things I put off. Classic example: There is an opportunity to go zip lining this coming friday - I have declined because I am still fat and I don't feel comfortable hanging around losing all strands of the little bit of dignity I have left. I may have done it 2 months ago, when I was strong mentally, but I'm just not there and I don't want to embarress myself in front of anyone right now.
Christmas is looming - another flippen year gone by. Jeez how time flies - whether or not you are having fun it still flies. Granted I'm not in the christmas spirit - my mom's tree does look very festive and does give off a happy glo.
The one thing that does just fill me up with joy and love - Esther's puppies - they are so sweet, so gorgeous, so adorable. A bundle of warmth lil wimpers looking for a teat. There are 5 of them (4 girls and 1 boy). There is no way I can feel depressed/down/sad when I look at that lil bundle. I enjoy lying with them and putting them all on top of me.
I'm looking forward to 2012. I'll be starting a new job - sure I have nerves but I've been in this advertising business for 15 years, I'm confident I'll be okay, more than okay, I'll be happier workwise for sure.
Other than that, I'm literally taking one day at a time and trying to tick off all that I have to do and sort out. Still got quite a list and quite a ways to go - but I'll get there eventually.
Stay well.
Monday, 21 November 2011
Update on where I am at.
Whew! I don't really know where to start. It's been a tough couple of months. I've been hit with events that are draining not only my spirt/soul, energy, positive state of mind, but also my finances. It's been one thing after another:
Cat bite - R2500 (besides times wastage trying to get the woman to even talk to me) The cat lady still refuses to pay anything. She did make one payment of R200 and that was it. I have now served her with a letter of demand.
Flat break in and stolen car - I'm looking at about R4500 in all to change the locks on the front door, change the car locks and alarm. Plus I have had to get a new car licence, got a fine because I don't have a licence (do have an affidavid - but left that at my mum's place) I have to replace my drivers licence and get a temporary one, have to buy a new spare rim and tyre and replace jumper leads and jack.
Resigned from my job - I cannot put any information here just yet so far as to say I'm not happy an had to make a decision. My last day is the 15th of December.
Then there have been things like leaving my car lights on so that my battery is flat in the middle of the rain. It's too much to bare. Getting a fine and though I explained to the officer the whole situation, he couldn't care less - plus it's known that the traffic cops are working for their christmas bonus. This is the only time they are ever out in full force - where are the cops when acutual crime takes place?? When these kind of things happen now I just feel so very beaten down and it knocks me back 5 or 6 steps and I find that I have to claw my way back to get back to feeling normal - I don't want that to be my life - struggle struggle struggle. What kind of life is that and is that life even worth living then?
Included in all of this are huge insecurities about me and my weight issue and I'm finding it so very difficult to get back on track. No matter how much I tell myself food won't help, I have turned to it for comfort. I can't carry on for various reasons - no one will want to hire me for one!!! A big reason too! People do tend to judge your potential based on the outter appearance - which is so fickle - so many people may look like 'nothing' but blow you away. Potential clients may not want to deal with a fatty. I do have more than 6 weeks to whip my butt into literal shape before I start a new phase in my life (I'll share more info later one).
Yeah I'm feeling a bit low. Yeah I'm not that strong mentally right now. Yeah little things push me back and I have had horrible suicidal thoughts - serious thoughts....BUT I got to give it go. I got to live this life, I've got to keep on trying. I've never failed at anything in my life! I'm not about to start now. Though the mountain ahead is massive, I've got to put one foot in front of the other, put my head down and climb!
If you know me personally - encourage me with a sms, a mail, a little love, healing words/thoughts/prayers. If you only know me via facebook, my blog, JWN - the same would be appreciated. That is all I ask - a little help in the form of encouragement to keep on at it.
Thank you to my precious mum who has still been such a rock for me in this shakey time.
Lou
Cat bite - R2500 (besides times wastage trying to get the woman to even talk to me) The cat lady still refuses to pay anything. She did make one payment of R200 and that was it. I have now served her with a letter of demand.
Flat break in and stolen car - I'm looking at about R4500 in all to change the locks on the front door, change the car locks and alarm. Plus I have had to get a new car licence, got a fine because I don't have a licence (do have an affidavid - but left that at my mum's place) I have to replace my drivers licence and get a temporary one, have to buy a new spare rim and tyre and replace jumper leads and jack.
Resigned from my job - I cannot put any information here just yet so far as to say I'm not happy an had to make a decision. My last day is the 15th of December.
Then there have been things like leaving my car lights on so that my battery is flat in the middle of the rain. It's too much to bare. Getting a fine and though I explained to the officer the whole situation, he couldn't care less - plus it's known that the traffic cops are working for their christmas bonus. This is the only time they are ever out in full force - where are the cops when acutual crime takes place?? When these kind of things happen now I just feel so very beaten down and it knocks me back 5 or 6 steps and I find that I have to claw my way back to get back to feeling normal - I don't want that to be my life - struggle struggle struggle. What kind of life is that and is that life even worth living then?
Included in all of this are huge insecurities about me and my weight issue and I'm finding it so very difficult to get back on track. No matter how much I tell myself food won't help, I have turned to it for comfort. I can't carry on for various reasons - no one will want to hire me for one!!! A big reason too! People do tend to judge your potential based on the outter appearance - which is so fickle - so many people may look like 'nothing' but blow you away. Potential clients may not want to deal with a fatty. I do have more than 6 weeks to whip my butt into literal shape before I start a new phase in my life (I'll share more info later one).
Yeah I'm feeling a bit low. Yeah I'm not that strong mentally right now. Yeah little things push me back and I have had horrible suicidal thoughts - serious thoughts....BUT I got to give it go. I got to live this life, I've got to keep on trying. I've never failed at anything in my life! I'm not about to start now. Though the mountain ahead is massive, I've got to put one foot in front of the other, put my head down and climb!
If you know me personally - encourage me with a sms, a mail, a little love, healing words/thoughts/prayers. If you only know me via facebook, my blog, JWN - the same would be appreciated. That is all I ask - a little help in the form of encouragement to keep on at it.
Thank you to my precious mum who has still been such a rock for me in this shakey time.
Lou
Monday, 07 November 2011
Verbal Purge Of Note
Jeez, where do I even start........
Rewind to Wednesday evening last week - 2nd November 2011. I visited my mother, may have had dinner and watched some telly. Got home at about 10pm, got ready for bed, set the alarm for quite early as I had an important meeting in the morning.
Thursday morning 6 am: I woke up, had a bath, brushed the lint off my black skirt, got dressed, did my makeup and went to grab my bag to leave for work. 7:20am: I couldn't find my handbag and spent the next 10 minutes looking around in frustration. I wondered if I had left it at my mother's, but ruled that out as I had my cellphone and I carry that in my bag. Did I leave it in the car? Also very odd that I would do that. Went to grab my car keys on the dresser in my lounge and that is when it hit - my keys (flat, car, gearlock and access buzzer) were gone, along with the spares!!!!! Grabed the hidden spare to let myself out of the flat, looked at my parking and it was bare! My car wasn't there. You'll only know how I felt if you've ever had your car stolen. Slow shock registered and I automatically phoned my mother - voicemail - phoned my brother and in a semi hysterical voice told my mother my car had gone. **Cue - gutteral sobbing** It came from my soul, I let it all out, I cried so hard, and in that moment I cried for my uncle and for myself and the position I found myself in. Weeks of frustration/tension broke in that dam of tears and ripped from my core.
The freaky thing about this incident is that there was no forced entry! I then started to doubt myself if I had locked up, or did I leave the keys hanging in front of the door - it drove me crazy. So I was sleeping and unwelcome people were invading my space and stealing from me. The enormity of that hit me - I had my life - it could have gone very ugly, horrifically wrong.
My bag with it's contents were taken: purse and some money +/-R200, ID, drivers license, credit/bank/store cards, 2 data sticks containing all my photos and other info (nothing too important), lipstick and perfume. My original car keys with remote control to the alarm, house key, access buzzer and gearlock taken along with the spare set. My car!
I phoned my boss and initially was told that it was understandable, but may send a car to pick me up...huh? Next up, reporting it to the South African Police. I dialled 10111 at 7:30 am - they rocked up after another 4 or 5 calls about about 9. They took all my details and told me a detective would be assigned to the case. I was so relieved it was a competent woman officer!
Next up all the phone calls started. Cancelling various bank,credit and store cards - getting references. Phoning my insurance and reporting the car stolen and requesting paperwork - all those phone calls by mobile will push up the phone bill drastically!
The first thing I had to do was make my home as secure as I could again. Went and bought a new lock for the front door with new keys and my dad changed it there and then, had a mini argument with the super insisting I was not giving anyone a spare key until I moved out. Shut up all windows, fed Belle, went to the bank to collect a new bank card and order new cards. Tears would fall from my eyes, I had to just suck it up.
What do I do for a car.....of course I was anxious as now I found myself facing a huge debt - something I really didn't want to do and was looking for the best way to approach this. Went to a reputable car auction place called Burchmore's. Found a little TATA with 33 000 on the clock and put down a holding deposit.
2:30pm Met with Detective Z and his partner. Initially I didn't like the look of them as they didn't look like police and I asked for indentification before I let them up to my place. What they came to detect was very UNclear as they literally walked in, looked at my window, looked at the door and asked me how the theives got in **shrug** I'm no detective - but I still gave my theories 1) came through the window on the portch: since I'm on the first floor and it's highish up, I leave the window a little open for air, so in the dead of night they could've come with ladders and snuck in that way 2) they had a key to my flat and as my brother proved it's quite easy to slip the chain off if you have slim hands. Once in it was easy access to my bag and keys. They detected for about 10 minutes and left. Later on that day I got a text from the police with my case number *check*
Well I was a mess and though I know these things happen to anybody I couldn't help but ask "why me", "what did I do that this happend to me". I got a call from a friend to remind me that it was random, I wasn't singled out, it's just a material possession - all true and I totally agreed and still agree, BUT, I wanted to know why. I am just human after all, and though a decent, pleasant, peace loving, hard working and general nice human being - it happend.....I think the Karma theory needs some work.
I needed to find my VESA certificate for insurance, I had the alarm fitted 9 years ago and knew I had the paperwork and yet no matter how hard and long I looked in my filing consitina, I couldn't find it. That is when I totally and fabulously cracked....in a horrific scary way. I clawed at my face and neck and proceeded to punch myself about the head screaming that I was a stupid bitch for losing the paper and that I wouldn't get paid out. I dug my nails into my thighs, pulled a clump of my hair out and lost it on an epic scale. I thought the best way out was for me to die. To leave this world and all it's shit behind. I didn't deserve this and had done nothing to bring this upon myself...I lost my reasoning mind....I walked into the kitchen and poured myself a full glass of jik kitchen cleaner and wondered if I drank it, would it poison me enough to die. I took one gulp, closed my eyes against the rising vomit as it hit my stomach. It was disgusting! I could feel my lips and the back of my tongue go numb. Nope I couldn't drink it all and poured it back into the bottle. That is how desperate I felt in that moment.
Thursday night: I couldn't sleep even though I had taken some tranquilisers/calmets to help me relax and a sleeping pill. I laid on the couch with Esther ( my mom's preggie sausage dog ), my hand rubbing her bulging tummy (very comforting feeling) and just thinking and staring and thinking and zoning out. Eventually I got some sleep.
Friday: I got a phone call from a guy named George: He had found my car in Illovo Township, down southcoast way. He went over the car and by the sound of it there was no significant damage. Relief! At least now I didn't have to get into debt for a car. I phoned the detective at 8:30 am and told him the news, I asked him to contact the civilian and organise to go collect the car. As far as I know that Detective Z still hasn't called George. I made sure though that I phoned the police station where the case had been opened up. George and his mate drove the car right through to my local police station becuase of the bad reputation of Toti station and the Isipigo Pound (yes the cops are corrupt too and once your car is in the pound can get stripped and you'll be lucky to see your car again). I sat at the police station for nearly 5 hours. Detective Z was no longer on the case and I had Detective UMG. Detective UMG didn't know a thing about the case. I spoke to 3 other Detectives, 1 lieutenant, 2 Captains and had the number of the Major in charge of the detectives and had to threaten to phone him and make a case against Detective UMG before UMG showed up. No fingerprints were taken as the civilians had compromised the evidence, not that it would have helped much. Eventually I had to drive my car all the way to Isipingo so that they could check that the engine and chassy hadn't been tampered with. 5 min and that was done, and another drive back to the berea police station to do the hand over, write the statement and sign off. Detective UMG didn't know what paper work needed filling in and had to repeatedly call on other officers. Once it was all done, he got up and walked out the office, leaving me and all the paperwork. I thought he had gone to get something. 30 mins passed and I was still sitting waiting. Went to the officers working and asked where Detective UMG was. They phoned him - he had walked out the room, forgotten about me and the papers and driven off.
Though a hellishly long day - I got my car!
Everything still felt like too much effort! I now had to phone the insurance people and change the claim from stolen to putting in a claim. Had to get 3 various quotes etc. My excess is R2500. After phoning around it was clear that I could get it done for about R1700 - by it I mean, changing the locks, remote, wiring, alarm and windown. So I opted for that and have reported to the insurance company that I would fix the car up. This saves a claim and my insurance from going up.
The weekend was a daze of anxiety, sleeping pills and just trying to keep my mind quiet. In all of this I wouldn't have made it through without my mother. She has been so absolutely amazing. Helped with insurance, with taking charge when I crumbled or couldn't make a decision. She really was my rock!
I was relieved that this hiccup though bad and freaky was done. I could move my stuff out asap and get on with living. No, no, no, life seemed to think I haven't had enough shit and piled another huge pile on me when I walked into the office. Work, well put it mildly - is not going well again. I am more than 2 weeks behind in my contracts, I cannot send out rates, I cannot give quotes, I cannot actually do the job I am paid to do, I cannot make a move until the bigger powers let me. Plus they want to touch my money - I'll do anything anyone wants me too, just don't mess around with my salary, especially if it's going to impact me negatively! I've shed a few tears today and the anxiety has reared it's head again and though I tell myself to cross the bridge when I get to it, that worry sits at the back of my mind.
To top it off - the cat lady hasn't paid me anything except R200. I'm still owed R2245 from that episode. Looks like I will have to start small claims court proceedings. I've given her 7 days to pay me out.
I made the decsion to move out of my flat so that I could become financially free and healthy, yet since that decision things have not gone that way. Yeah, I don't feel good about myself. I'm finding it hard to see the light at the end of the road. I feel lost, I feel betrayed, I feel sad. I know all of these things just effect the ego and the true I cannot suffer anything, but the ego mind, well it is warring a bit and I am trying to surrender, but finding it so hard to do so. I feel like if I surrender I die. Perhaps that is what is actually needed. I do need to die and when I say *I* I'm talking about the ego *I*.
This body of mine is tired. My head is sore. My heart is heavy. I'm looking for the light but right now all I see and feel is darkness enveloping me, suffocating me. I need to remind myself to breathe.
Rewind to Wednesday evening last week - 2nd November 2011. I visited my mother, may have had dinner and watched some telly. Got home at about 10pm, got ready for bed, set the alarm for quite early as I had an important meeting in the morning.
Thursday morning 6 am: I woke up, had a bath, brushed the lint off my black skirt, got dressed, did my makeup and went to grab my bag to leave for work. 7:20am: I couldn't find my handbag and spent the next 10 minutes looking around in frustration. I wondered if I had left it at my mother's, but ruled that out as I had my cellphone and I carry that in my bag. Did I leave it in the car? Also very odd that I would do that. Went to grab my car keys on the dresser in my lounge and that is when it hit - my keys (flat, car, gearlock and access buzzer) were gone, along with the spares!!!!! Grabed the hidden spare to let myself out of the flat, looked at my parking and it was bare! My car wasn't there. You'll only know how I felt if you've ever had your car stolen. Slow shock registered and I automatically phoned my mother - voicemail - phoned my brother and in a semi hysterical voice told my mother my car had gone. **Cue - gutteral sobbing** It came from my soul, I let it all out, I cried so hard, and in that moment I cried for my uncle and for myself and the position I found myself in. Weeks of frustration/tension broke in that dam of tears and ripped from my core.
The freaky thing about this incident is that there was no forced entry! I then started to doubt myself if I had locked up, or did I leave the keys hanging in front of the door - it drove me crazy. So I was sleeping and unwelcome people were invading my space and stealing from me. The enormity of that hit me - I had my life - it could have gone very ugly, horrifically wrong.
My bag with it's contents were taken: purse and some money +/-R200, ID, drivers license, credit/bank/store cards, 2 data sticks containing all my photos and other info (nothing too important), lipstick and perfume. My original car keys with remote control to the alarm, house key, access buzzer and gearlock taken along with the spare set. My car!
I phoned my boss and initially was told that it was understandable, but may send a car to pick me up...huh? Next up, reporting it to the South African Police. I dialled 10111 at 7:30 am - they rocked up after another 4 or 5 calls about about 9. They took all my details and told me a detective would be assigned to the case. I was so relieved it was a competent woman officer!
Next up all the phone calls started. Cancelling various bank,credit and store cards - getting references. Phoning my insurance and reporting the car stolen and requesting paperwork - all those phone calls by mobile will push up the phone bill drastically!
The first thing I had to do was make my home as secure as I could again. Went and bought a new lock for the front door with new keys and my dad changed it there and then, had a mini argument with the super insisting I was not giving anyone a spare key until I moved out. Shut up all windows, fed Belle, went to the bank to collect a new bank card and order new cards. Tears would fall from my eyes, I had to just suck it up.
What do I do for a car.....of course I was anxious as now I found myself facing a huge debt - something I really didn't want to do and was looking for the best way to approach this. Went to a reputable car auction place called Burchmore's. Found a little TATA with 33 000 on the clock and put down a holding deposit.
2:30pm Met with Detective Z and his partner. Initially I didn't like the look of them as they didn't look like police and I asked for indentification before I let them up to my place. What they came to detect was very UNclear as they literally walked in, looked at my window, looked at the door and asked me how the theives got in **shrug** I'm no detective - but I still gave my theories 1) came through the window on the portch: since I'm on the first floor and it's highish up, I leave the window a little open for air, so in the dead of night they could've come with ladders and snuck in that way 2) they had a key to my flat and as my brother proved it's quite easy to slip the chain off if you have slim hands. Once in it was easy access to my bag and keys. They detected for about 10 minutes and left. Later on that day I got a text from the police with my case number *check*
Well I was a mess and though I know these things happen to anybody I couldn't help but ask "why me", "what did I do that this happend to me". I got a call from a friend to remind me that it was random, I wasn't singled out, it's just a material possession - all true and I totally agreed and still agree, BUT, I wanted to know why. I am just human after all, and though a decent, pleasant, peace loving, hard working and general nice human being - it happend.....I think the Karma theory needs some work.
I needed to find my VESA certificate for insurance, I had the alarm fitted 9 years ago and knew I had the paperwork and yet no matter how hard and long I looked in my filing consitina, I couldn't find it. That is when I totally and fabulously cracked....in a horrific scary way. I clawed at my face and neck and proceeded to punch myself about the head screaming that I was a stupid bitch for losing the paper and that I wouldn't get paid out. I dug my nails into my thighs, pulled a clump of my hair out and lost it on an epic scale. I thought the best way out was for me to die. To leave this world and all it's shit behind. I didn't deserve this and had done nothing to bring this upon myself...I lost my reasoning mind....I walked into the kitchen and poured myself a full glass of jik kitchen cleaner and wondered if I drank it, would it poison me enough to die. I took one gulp, closed my eyes against the rising vomit as it hit my stomach. It was disgusting! I could feel my lips and the back of my tongue go numb. Nope I couldn't drink it all and poured it back into the bottle. That is how desperate I felt in that moment.
Thursday night: I couldn't sleep even though I had taken some tranquilisers/calmets to help me relax and a sleeping pill. I laid on the couch with Esther ( my mom's preggie sausage dog ), my hand rubbing her bulging tummy (very comforting feeling) and just thinking and staring and thinking and zoning out. Eventually I got some sleep.
Friday: I got a phone call from a guy named George: He had found my car in Illovo Township, down southcoast way. He went over the car and by the sound of it there was no significant damage. Relief! At least now I didn't have to get into debt for a car. I phoned the detective at 8:30 am and told him the news, I asked him to contact the civilian and organise to go collect the car. As far as I know that Detective Z still hasn't called George. I made sure though that I phoned the police station where the case had been opened up. George and his mate drove the car right through to my local police station becuase of the bad reputation of Toti station and the Isipigo Pound (yes the cops are corrupt too and once your car is in the pound can get stripped and you'll be lucky to see your car again). I sat at the police station for nearly 5 hours. Detective Z was no longer on the case and I had Detective UMG. Detective UMG didn't know a thing about the case. I spoke to 3 other Detectives, 1 lieutenant, 2 Captains and had the number of the Major in charge of the detectives and had to threaten to phone him and make a case against Detective UMG before UMG showed up. No fingerprints were taken as the civilians had compromised the evidence, not that it would have helped much. Eventually I had to drive my car all the way to Isipingo so that they could check that the engine and chassy hadn't been tampered with. 5 min and that was done, and another drive back to the berea police station to do the hand over, write the statement and sign off. Detective UMG didn't know what paper work needed filling in and had to repeatedly call on other officers. Once it was all done, he got up and walked out the office, leaving me and all the paperwork. I thought he had gone to get something. 30 mins passed and I was still sitting waiting. Went to the officers working and asked where Detective UMG was. They phoned him - he had walked out the room, forgotten about me and the papers and driven off.
Though a hellishly long day - I got my car!
Everything still felt like too much effort! I now had to phone the insurance people and change the claim from stolen to putting in a claim. Had to get 3 various quotes etc. My excess is R2500. After phoning around it was clear that I could get it done for about R1700 - by it I mean, changing the locks, remote, wiring, alarm and windown. So I opted for that and have reported to the insurance company that I would fix the car up. This saves a claim and my insurance from going up.
The weekend was a daze of anxiety, sleeping pills and just trying to keep my mind quiet. In all of this I wouldn't have made it through without my mother. She has been so absolutely amazing. Helped with insurance, with taking charge when I crumbled or couldn't make a decision. She really was my rock!
I was relieved that this hiccup though bad and freaky was done. I could move my stuff out asap and get on with living. No, no, no, life seemed to think I haven't had enough shit and piled another huge pile on me when I walked into the office. Work, well put it mildly - is not going well again. I am more than 2 weeks behind in my contracts, I cannot send out rates, I cannot give quotes, I cannot actually do the job I am paid to do, I cannot make a move until the bigger powers let me. Plus they want to touch my money - I'll do anything anyone wants me too, just don't mess around with my salary, especially if it's going to impact me negatively! I've shed a few tears today and the anxiety has reared it's head again and though I tell myself to cross the bridge when I get to it, that worry sits at the back of my mind.
To top it off - the cat lady hasn't paid me anything except R200. I'm still owed R2245 from that episode. Looks like I will have to start small claims court proceedings. I've given her 7 days to pay me out.
I made the decsion to move out of my flat so that I could become financially free and healthy, yet since that decision things have not gone that way. Yeah, I don't feel good about myself. I'm finding it hard to see the light at the end of the road. I feel lost, I feel betrayed, I feel sad. I know all of these things just effect the ego and the true I cannot suffer anything, but the ego mind, well it is warring a bit and I am trying to surrender, but finding it so hard to do so. I feel like if I surrender I die. Perhaps that is what is actually needed. I do need to die and when I say *I* I'm talking about the ego *I*.
This body of mine is tired. My head is sore. My heart is heavy. I'm looking for the light but right now all I see and feel is darkness enveloping me, suffocating me. I need to remind myself to breathe.
Tuesday, 01 November 2011
Take 2 Take 2 - 21 days
After my last 2 months I do need to have a bit of a detox - now I know I was meant to start this a week ago, that didn't happen, and no I didn't beat myself up over it. I don't have enough in the emotional reserves to do that. All I can do is forgive myself and pick it up and move on.
Right as I first stated when I started this journey, it takes 21 days to break or make a habit. I'm going back to that. It gives me a definate goal to work towards and something that is achievable - I've done it before remember. So 21 days / take 2 / let's go.
I won't be detoxing for the full 21 days - I'll only detox for a week to kick start and then go back to my eating plan. I know it's going to have it own trials and difficulties but know that I did it very succesfully a little while back gives me hope.
It's all about my personal decisions I make with regards to food. Do I say no or do I go ahead and just cheat because that is what I want. I know that. I can accept that responsibility. Even though there were factors involved in my little crumble I was still very aware of my decisions.
Something else that has changed and is quite a big thing for me is that I'm moving in with my gran. Sure at 35 you may think "why the hell would you do that". A couple of reasons. 1) I really want to be financially free, I want to be able to have the security of a decent nest egg that if I choose to leave employment I can do that, or when the times comes for that operation I can pay for it cash instead of taking a loan at ridiculous interest rates. In order to be able to financially free it is wise not to have any debts, the quickets and easiest way right now to free up 'big' money is to move in with my gran. 2) My gran is very lonely since my uncle has died. I only get to see her on the weekends, so this will help her out and I know even at her age, she likes to feel that she can still help out. ** Sometimes risk and sacrifice is needed to realise your dreams ** I am willing to do that. Another exciting chapter in my life. An opportunity for me to grow and may this parthway lead to a fulfillment of a dream.
Talking about finances, I am so sick and tired of this countries politions raping it's people. That is how I see the corrupt politions that use tax payers money to fund their lavish lifestyles and blatantly show off their ill gained weath. They do not / are not and will not make inroads in providing the people of South Africa with the services and lifestyle they require. These politions have deviated from their path and have grown "obese and lazy" in fulfilling their ministerial duties. They need to go on a serious diet - literally and figuratively. If I had a choice, I would not pay my taxes. I don't want the money I work for to line their pockets. Billions and billions of rands are mis apropriated and the governemnt seek new ways to skin us.
That is my political rant. I have noticed in the past year how my views have become a little radical - on health, politics, religion - radical perhaps is not the correct choice - passionate about what I stand for and believe in - yes that better describes it.
On the health side of things for eg: if you have diabeties - live the healthy lifestyle that will benefit you, you can't, like me, just eat what you want without consequinces. If you refuse to change your lifestyle you cannot complain when complications arise from your illness. It would be hypocritical. I can't complain about putting on weight when I haven't watched what I've eaten. You got to take responsibility for your own actions or even lack of action.
This next month I'm going to be cutting out the fat / what I don't need to move with me. It's a step I want to take because I want something better for myself later on.
Don't be afraid of risk. Don't be afraid to even take a step back if you get a better view of where you want to go and how to make it happen.
Health is wealth.
Right as I first stated when I started this journey, it takes 21 days to break or make a habit. I'm going back to that. It gives me a definate goal to work towards and something that is achievable - I've done it before remember. So 21 days / take 2 / let's go.
I won't be detoxing for the full 21 days - I'll only detox for a week to kick start and then go back to my eating plan. I know it's going to have it own trials and difficulties but know that I did it very succesfully a little while back gives me hope.
It's all about my personal decisions I make with regards to food. Do I say no or do I go ahead and just cheat because that is what I want. I know that. I can accept that responsibility. Even though there were factors involved in my little crumble I was still very aware of my decisions.
Something else that has changed and is quite a big thing for me is that I'm moving in with my gran. Sure at 35 you may think "why the hell would you do that". A couple of reasons. 1) I really want to be financially free, I want to be able to have the security of a decent nest egg that if I choose to leave employment I can do that, or when the times comes for that operation I can pay for it cash instead of taking a loan at ridiculous interest rates. In order to be able to financially free it is wise not to have any debts, the quickets and easiest way right now to free up 'big' money is to move in with my gran. 2) My gran is very lonely since my uncle has died. I only get to see her on the weekends, so this will help her out and I know even at her age, she likes to feel that she can still help out. ** Sometimes risk and sacrifice is needed to realise your dreams ** I am willing to do that. Another exciting chapter in my life. An opportunity for me to grow and may this parthway lead to a fulfillment of a dream.
Talking about finances, I am so sick and tired of this countries politions raping it's people. That is how I see the corrupt politions that use tax payers money to fund their lavish lifestyles and blatantly show off their ill gained weath. They do not / are not and will not make inroads in providing the people of South Africa with the services and lifestyle they require. These politions have deviated from their path and have grown "obese and lazy" in fulfilling their ministerial duties. They need to go on a serious diet - literally and figuratively. If I had a choice, I would not pay my taxes. I don't want the money I work for to line their pockets. Billions and billions of rands are mis apropriated and the governemnt seek new ways to skin us.
That is my political rant. I have noticed in the past year how my views have become a little radical - on health, politics, religion - radical perhaps is not the correct choice - passionate about what I stand for and believe in - yes that better describes it.
On the health side of things for eg: if you have diabeties - live the healthy lifestyle that will benefit you, you can't, like me, just eat what you want without consequinces. If you refuse to change your lifestyle you cannot complain when complications arise from your illness. It would be hypocritical. I can't complain about putting on weight when I haven't watched what I've eaten. You got to take responsibility for your own actions or even lack of action.
This next month I'm going to be cutting out the fat / what I don't need to move with me. It's a step I want to take because I want something better for myself later on.
Don't be afraid of risk. Don't be afraid to even take a step back if you get a better view of where you want to go and how to make it happen.
Health is wealth.
Monday, 31 October 2011
The important things.
The important things truly are so simple. Your family, your health, to be happy. You can subdivide those 3 catogories as well, but that really is the sum of all things. It makes me happy to see members in my family happy and succeeding, following their dreams whether or not something will come out of it - but just being gutsy enough to try!
To be strong and healthy and have the mobility, sight that our bodies offer is oft taken for granted and overlooked. Let me tell you I appreciate every day, even the boring, or sad ones because I have my life and I though I have no major health issues am still on the journey of losing weight and getting to a healthy figure, where I can go out and make good use of my legs and lungs :)
Personal happiness, the happiness that comes from self not from someone else or dependent on someone else, a happiness that comes from within and not from things/money. Yes, things can put a smile on our face, but a new toy is just that and like a child we'll soon tire from the gadget and if you are unhappy, it will only be a temporary smile at that. Money can smooth some things, it has it's own problems too - or perhaps the mis use of it has problems. If you are unhappy, no amount of money in the world will change that. So this happiness is a geniune state of inner contentment, inner acceptment, inner peace - this radiates outwards.
Sooo where am I weight wise - after about 2 months of rollercoasting/ ups and downs, you name it - I am back. Mind is focused. I'm on the path again and committed to this journey as before. I can't have come all this way to just put the weight back on and fail. I have said many times that this time I will accommplish my goals. I aim too fulfill my promise.
If we fall off the wagon, we have to get back on it and cling on the sides again and carry on down the path. So if you've also fallen off, it's a new month! it's a new day! and it's a new mind set! Let's do it.
Health is wealth.
To be strong and healthy and have the mobility, sight that our bodies offer is oft taken for granted and overlooked. Let me tell you I appreciate every day, even the boring, or sad ones because I have my life and I though I have no major health issues am still on the journey of losing weight and getting to a healthy figure, where I can go out and make good use of my legs and lungs :)
Personal happiness, the happiness that comes from self not from someone else or dependent on someone else, a happiness that comes from within and not from things/money. Yes, things can put a smile on our face, but a new toy is just that and like a child we'll soon tire from the gadget and if you are unhappy, it will only be a temporary smile at that. Money can smooth some things, it has it's own problems too - or perhaps the mis use of it has problems. If you are unhappy, no amount of money in the world will change that. So this happiness is a geniune state of inner contentment, inner acceptment, inner peace - this radiates outwards.
Sooo where am I weight wise - after about 2 months of rollercoasting/ ups and downs, you name it - I am back. Mind is focused. I'm on the path again and committed to this journey as before. I can't have come all this way to just put the weight back on and fail. I have said many times that this time I will accommplish my goals. I aim too fulfill my promise.
If we fall off the wagon, we have to get back on it and cling on the sides again and carry on down the path. So if you've also fallen off, it's a new month! it's a new day! and it's a new mind set! Let's do it.
Health is wealth.
Monday, 24 October 2011
Life to ashes and beyond.
Over the weekend I went to my grans place to help her with a couple of things. I also got to see the little box (well not so little - but little enough) of ashes. That was all that remained of my uncle, a sealed pine box with ashes. It weighed about 4kg or so. The finality of it. The "this is what is left of him" hit me.
I pondered over his ashes, yes, I hear your thoughts "how very morbid". Let me explain a bit. I was brought up in a faith/belief system that taught when you die, you 'fall asleep' for a period of time and in due course you would be resurrected and re-united with your family and live forever on a paradise earth. This means you never make you peace with death - not really. My reality of death was screwed up from a young age. I broke free of that faith and have had to realign those belief, had to look within to see what made sense. I don't believe I'm going to be resurrected and live on a paradise earth any longer, but I also don't believe in fluffy clouds, a big God on a throne issuing commands to flying subjects - with or without wings. I belive more in the engery essence of things: living or not. We are all made up of energy, engery forms can change but they never die - anyway that is what makes more sense to my heart and mind.
Being faced with my uncle'd mortality and seeing and feeling the body, seeing and feeling the weight of the ashes got me thinking about my own death one day. Who would be there for me, who would wrap things up, get stuff sorted. I'm not married, I have no children and my friends - bless them - but well - I doubt they would do this kind of thing. Half my family is overseas and have their own lives. I know this won't make an ounce of a difference when I'm dead and gone, but it's being alive and thinking about that get's me a little emotional. It's also knowing that we each have to go through this. I know I will bury others - it's not a nice thought.
It's all my experiences in life: tough childhood, work, romance/lack of it, relgion, disappointments, being fat, really good times, just makes me realise how very important it is to LIVE LIFE. Not to just going through the motions of every day - though it's extremely easy to fall into the trap of waking up, going to work, eat, watch tv and sleep - I fall into that trap at times. I am also acutely aware of small things, small joys, simple joys, like having a great cup of coffee, of feeling the sunshine warm my inners and I can't help but smile. My life may not be perfect, I may not be at the weight I want to be right now...but I will get there and yes it's going to mad hard and I will have ups and downs but I will live and I will get there. I may not be as financially free but I will work at my work, do my best, try find other avenues and enjoy that I have work that puts money in the bank, food in my belly, a roof over my head and an op.
We all know the cliche's, we all repeat them often enough, we all know the good advice but how many of us stop, think about it, become aware of what it means and just be so awesomely thankful for a life, for a heart that beats on, for lungs that breathe, for eyes that see, for legs and arms that can move without difficulty. So though I know one day my heart will beat it's last beat, I am going to take my life, my gorgeous beautiful life and live it. I will use my resources, my mind, my love, my whatever I can to make it a good and happy life for me.
Of course I totally want that everybody does the same. We cannot solve the worlds problems - I've made my peace with that (corporations and bottome line will always win out), but we can make better choices, be kinder to one another.
Health is wealth.
I pondered over his ashes, yes, I hear your thoughts "how very morbid". Let me explain a bit. I was brought up in a faith/belief system that taught when you die, you 'fall asleep' for a period of time and in due course you would be resurrected and re-united with your family and live forever on a paradise earth. This means you never make you peace with death - not really. My reality of death was screwed up from a young age. I broke free of that faith and have had to realign those belief, had to look within to see what made sense. I don't believe I'm going to be resurrected and live on a paradise earth any longer, but I also don't believe in fluffy clouds, a big God on a throne issuing commands to flying subjects - with or without wings. I belive more in the engery essence of things: living or not. We are all made up of energy, engery forms can change but they never die - anyway that is what makes more sense to my heart and mind.
Being faced with my uncle'd mortality and seeing and feeling the body, seeing and feeling the weight of the ashes got me thinking about my own death one day. Who would be there for me, who would wrap things up, get stuff sorted. I'm not married, I have no children and my friends - bless them - but well - I doubt they would do this kind of thing. Half my family is overseas and have their own lives. I know this won't make an ounce of a difference when I'm dead and gone, but it's being alive and thinking about that get's me a little emotional. It's also knowing that we each have to go through this. I know I will bury others - it's not a nice thought.
It's all my experiences in life: tough childhood, work, romance/lack of it, relgion, disappointments, being fat, really good times, just makes me realise how very important it is to LIVE LIFE. Not to just going through the motions of every day - though it's extremely easy to fall into the trap of waking up, going to work, eat, watch tv and sleep - I fall into that trap at times. I am also acutely aware of small things, small joys, simple joys, like having a great cup of coffee, of feeling the sunshine warm my inners and I can't help but smile. My life may not be perfect, I may not be at the weight I want to be right now...but I will get there and yes it's going to mad hard and I will have ups and downs but I will live and I will get there. I may not be as financially free but I will work at my work, do my best, try find other avenues and enjoy that I have work that puts money in the bank, food in my belly, a roof over my head and an op.
We all know the cliche's, we all repeat them often enough, we all know the good advice but how many of us stop, think about it, become aware of what it means and just be so awesomely thankful for a life, for a heart that beats on, for lungs that breathe, for eyes that see, for legs and arms that can move without difficulty. So though I know one day my heart will beat it's last beat, I am going to take my life, my gorgeous beautiful life and live it. I will use my resources, my mind, my love, my whatever I can to make it a good and happy life for me.
Of course I totally want that everybody does the same. We cannot solve the worlds problems - I've made my peace with that (corporations and bottome line will always win out), but we can make better choices, be kinder to one another.
Health is wealth.
Friday, 21 October 2011
Update....still a bit sad.
I haven't got much to say these days, not because I don't have any emotional turmoil, work stress or diet stress. I just feel pap / deflated / a little stuck perhaps.It's been just over two weeks since my uncle died, whew and que the tears. I haven't properly grieved, perhpas because it hasn't really sunk in yet or no, pehaps because I haven't had a chance to miss him yet. I know it will happen though.
My granny phoned the other day. She expressed that she was soooo very alone. Then she got all chocked up and started crying, saying that she misses him already. It is cricket season in SA (The ozzies are here for ODI) and her and Brian would watch together and boo the Ozzies and shout for their favorite batsmen (Boucher or Kalis) She doesn't have that anymore. When my granny cries, well I can't help but let the tears fall though I try keep my voice steady and strong.
I know that there will be the firsts - the first christmas without him - fuck (yeah cos that is how I feel and sometimes that is the best word to use!) I can't believe that last christmas was his last and even then he was in so much pain back then. The first birthdays...ja, no matter how much you prepare for a person's death, you can't and don't fully grasp it until they have died.
My speech at my uncle's funeral:
I know he would want me all to wish his family and
friends to live their best life…treat people kindly, let those around you know
that you love them, be healthy, look after yourself and appreciate the little
things in life. ** end **
My granny phoned the other day. She expressed that she was soooo very alone. Then she got all chocked up and started crying, saying that she misses him already. It is cricket season in SA (The ozzies are here for ODI) and her and Brian would watch together and boo the Ozzies and shout for their favorite batsmen (Boucher or Kalis) She doesn't have that anymore. When my granny cries, well I can't help but let the tears fall though I try keep my voice steady and strong.
I know that there will be the firsts - the first christmas without him - fuck (yeah cos that is how I feel and sometimes that is the best word to use!) I can't believe that last christmas was his last and even then he was in so much pain back then. The first birthdays...ja, no matter how much you prepare for a person's death, you can't and don't fully grasp it until they have died.
My speech at my uncle's funeral:
The very first thing I know Brian would want me to do (this is where I looked down to my gran and cousin and saw them both crying, that got me started and I had to take a deep deep breath, nod my head, dig my heel in and go on)... is
thank his mother, Helmar Maxwell. She
has been an absolute trogen and though a little on in years and seemingly frail
has shown extreme fortitude during his illness.
Brian had some brilliant good times, there were the hard
times too, but he took everything in his stride.
He hussled and bussled his way though life, helping many people along
the way, be it financially or providing a place to sleep, everyone knew they
could count on Brian Maxwell.
He saw himself as a gentle man and a champion, the best at everything he put
his mind too. Especially on the sports
field, which at times was front yard at grans’ place. Many a world cup was held there between
Brian, Cliffy and the boys “Warren, Graham & Mark” along with Jonty, our
german shepherd. Those were awesome
days. Good lessons of sportsmanship were
learnt.
It was about a year and half ago that Brian found out he had
this serious illness. It shook to us
all and he fought the best he could. He
braved tests, operations and journeys to the hospital that would have undid all
of us a long time ago. His mind remained
sharp. Through most of it he had a joke for the nurses, laughed with his family
and showed true staying power.
To Mark, Warren, Graham and Kath (this time it was looking at my brother that got me started and again I had to take my time) Brian would want you to
know that you are sitting on his shoulders, the shoulders of a champion and that whatever
you want to achieve is yours to achieve.
It may seem I am spending a lot of time writing about this, but know that writing is very therapeutic for me. This is my journey, a way that I can find healing. You are still welcome to share in it with me.
I've been saying every day I've got to get back on track with my diet, it's been so hard to focus again. I know it will come. I can't fail.
So have a great weekend, love those close to you, be kind and treasure your health.
Wednesday, 12 October 2011
It is done.
I touched my uncle's cheek, it was ice cold and hard. The body without the life is just that, a body, and it did not resemble the uncle I knew, loved and cared for. I knew his spirit had left, that the essence that made him Brian Maxwell had exited this world.
The funeral was held yesturday. It was marvelous to see so many people come and pay their respects and say their final goodbyes.
It was heart breaking standing next to my gran as she said goodbye to her son, tears spilling from her eyes, her wrinkled hand rubbing the casket. She bent down and gave him a farewell peck on his forehead.
I saw my brother wipe tears away, trying so hard not to cry. I heard my cousin's voice tremble as he spoke his words, I saw my other cousin sobbing in the front as I stood in front of the mike trying to make it through my speech without breaking down.
Strangely enough I can say it was a good day, in that everything went off very well. It was a send off Brian would have liked. Friends and family got together and enjoyed tea and cake together, telling tales of their time spent with my uncle - some really good stories there. And some really good cake.....of course I had some! I didn't feel any guilt as I sampled little bites here and there - all supremely delicious and totally decadent in my view.
My weightloss journey starts again. I still believe I will get there. I will accomplish that which my uncle knew I would.
Thank you uncle Brian for believing, not only in me, but in all your nieces and nephews. We all love you very dearly, we will miss you and each time we think of you we will send love and light into the world.
Monday, 10 October 2011
My uncle has died.
Last week Wednesday at about 11:40 pm, on a cold and rainy night, my uncle breathed his last breath. It was in his sleep. He was at hospice and he was alone. Alone because the whole family was there the previous night saying their goodbyes. My aunt and I stayed the entire night to watch over him. The hospice didn't think to call us a second night in a row.
I had been preparing for his death, mentally and spiritually, I knew it was coming. I knew on Wednesday afternoon that it couldn't be very far off. My uncle responded very little, but heard enough to face me when I spoke to him. I held his hands, rubbed his arm and spoke loving words to him. He didn't or rather couldn't take in any food or liquid, or rather 2 little sips, not amounting to much. Since he couldn't control his showing of pain any more there were 2 occassions he cried out in such agony that I just burst into tears. I knew it would be better for him to go, to be free of that agony.
Rob called me and told me my uncle had passed and because sleep still fogged my mind I just said "ok". 2 min later I was up and phoning my aunt to tell her I'd meet her at hospice. I had to go see my uncle one more time, make sure that somehow he was okay! I arrived at the hospice and went to go see my uncle. He was so quiet, his chest was so still. "Obviously" you may say, but it wasn't really. I expected him at any moment to take a deep breath and continue breathing. I had heard him do that so many times in the recent past that it seemed plausible it would happen again. He kept very still, and very quiet. I touched his cheek and the cool creep of death had already started. My uncle looked so at peace. I knew that the pain was over and there was no more suffering for him. That was a huge comfort.
I didn't want to leave him. I didn't want to turn and walk out of the room. I didn't want to leave him alone.
I drove back home, climbed into my bed, my cat Belle was there and I slept a sleep of utter exhaustion, the tension had totally left my body and all that was left was emotional, physical, mental and spiritual peace. I slept a most healing sleep without dreams, without stirring.
I think back to when my weightloss journey started. The inspiration to get my butt into gear came from my uncle. He kept encouraging me as he saw me losing the weight. He knew I could always do it. I will continue to do it. I will reach my goal! I am only sad that he will not see that moment!
Tomorrow is the funeral! His nephews and nieces will honor him by carrying his coffin into the church, we will honor him with our words. We will honor him by living our best life and by being the very best we can. He told us we were winners, we were champions and each and every one of us are!
To my brother Mark, to my closest cousins: Warren, Graham and Kath, we are on the shoulders of a champion, we can accomplish all that we desire. I love you all dearly!
I had been preparing for his death, mentally and spiritually, I knew it was coming. I knew on Wednesday afternoon that it couldn't be very far off. My uncle responded very little, but heard enough to face me when I spoke to him. I held his hands, rubbed his arm and spoke loving words to him. He didn't or rather couldn't take in any food or liquid, or rather 2 little sips, not amounting to much. Since he couldn't control his showing of pain any more there were 2 occassions he cried out in such agony that I just burst into tears. I knew it would be better for him to go, to be free of that agony.
Rob called me and told me my uncle had passed and because sleep still fogged my mind I just said "ok". 2 min later I was up and phoning my aunt to tell her I'd meet her at hospice. I had to go see my uncle one more time, make sure that somehow he was okay! I arrived at the hospice and went to go see my uncle. He was so quiet, his chest was so still. "Obviously" you may say, but it wasn't really. I expected him at any moment to take a deep breath and continue breathing. I had heard him do that so many times in the recent past that it seemed plausible it would happen again. He kept very still, and very quiet. I touched his cheek and the cool creep of death had already started. My uncle looked so at peace. I knew that the pain was over and there was no more suffering for him. That was a huge comfort.
I didn't want to leave him. I didn't want to turn and walk out of the room. I didn't want to leave him alone.
I drove back home, climbed into my bed, my cat Belle was there and I slept a sleep of utter exhaustion, the tension had totally left my body and all that was left was emotional, physical, mental and spiritual peace. I slept a most healing sleep without dreams, without stirring.
I think back to when my weightloss journey started. The inspiration to get my butt into gear came from my uncle. He kept encouraging me as he saw me losing the weight. He knew I could always do it. I will continue to do it. I will reach my goal! I am only sad that he will not see that moment!
Tomorrow is the funeral! His nephews and nieces will honor him by carrying his coffin into the church, we will honor him with our words. We will honor him by living our best life and by being the very best we can. He told us we were winners, we were champions and each and every one of us are!
To my brother Mark, to my closest cousins: Warren, Graham and Kath, we are on the shoulders of a champion, we can accomplish all that we desire. I love you all dearly!
Tuesday, 04 October 2011
Staaaaallll
I have to admit I'm just not in the right headspace again. At the forefront of it all is my uncle - he has got only a little while lift on this earth, his days are drawing to a close and though I have prepared myself as much as I can mentally and spiritually it's still exceptionally hard. I wonder what goes through his mind, if he is still lucid, if he knows what is going on, if he knows his family truly and dearly loves him and that we want him to be pain free. He was my inspiration to start this journey, that inspiration (in it's tangible physical form at least) will be departing soon.
At the back of my mind is the whole cat incident. The woman in question of the demon cat is not taking my calls, emails and smses. This whole thing has cost me R2500 out of my own pocket. Though she has communicated once (at my insistant prompting) that she would pay....nothing has come through. It is a tedious, but little worry at the back of my mind and I don't particularly want to go to small claims court, but will take it there if she doesn't pay those medical bills. So that is always at the back of my mind. Sometimes people just annoy me because of the lack of humanity, their lack of responsibily etc.
The above 2 things have really just pushed me off track, because I have allowed it, yes, and because I just can't concentrate on weighing things and the extra effort. I know I've got to get my head around this soon otherwise I'll start picking up weight again - I don't want that. I can't focus 100% like before, I get it right for a couple of days and then lose it. I'm not feeling as bad as I did when I threw the cheese and really had a sickening breakdown of snot and tears, but I'm not happy about it either. I know though that I won't give up. I know that focus I had will come back to me and give me the oomph I need to continue. There are too many people that are rooting me on for me to fail. I don't want to disappoint myself or them.
I also realised that I just don't like getting weighed every week. I'd rather be weighed once a month or even once every three months - helps me keep my focus. I'd rather not know what I'm losing each week, so that I can keep to that high strict standard. Got to figure out how to make the weight loss challenge people understand that. It's my journey and I should be able tweak how and what I want to give me the best results.
I haven't even done an update on my pics yet. I will get to that too. I feel like I should have one of them flashing signs reading "I am experiencing technical problems, please be patient." :)
I won't give up, I will weather this storm better than in the past and I will be back on track 100% again. This I promise to myself and to you.
Stay well, stay strong and be healthy.
Health is wealth.
At the back of my mind is the whole cat incident. The woman in question of the demon cat is not taking my calls, emails and smses. This whole thing has cost me R2500 out of my own pocket. Though she has communicated once (at my insistant prompting) that she would pay....nothing has come through. It is a tedious, but little worry at the back of my mind and I don't particularly want to go to small claims court, but will take it there if she doesn't pay those medical bills. So that is always at the back of my mind. Sometimes people just annoy me because of the lack of humanity, their lack of responsibily etc.
The above 2 things have really just pushed me off track, because I have allowed it, yes, and because I just can't concentrate on weighing things and the extra effort. I know I've got to get my head around this soon otherwise I'll start picking up weight again - I don't want that. I can't focus 100% like before, I get it right for a couple of days and then lose it. I'm not feeling as bad as I did when I threw the cheese and really had a sickening breakdown of snot and tears, but I'm not happy about it either. I know though that I won't give up. I know that focus I had will come back to me and give me the oomph I need to continue. There are too many people that are rooting me on for me to fail. I don't want to disappoint myself or them.
I also realised that I just don't like getting weighed every week. I'd rather be weighed once a month or even once every three months - helps me keep my focus. I'd rather not know what I'm losing each week, so that I can keep to that high strict standard. Got to figure out how to make the weight loss challenge people understand that. It's my journey and I should be able tweak how and what I want to give me the best results.
I haven't even done an update on my pics yet. I will get to that too. I feel like I should have one of them flashing signs reading "I am experiencing technical problems, please be patient." :)
I won't give up, I will weather this storm better than in the past and I will be back on track 100% again. This I promise to myself and to you.
Stay well, stay strong and be healthy.
Health is wealth.
Thursday, 29 September 2011
I'm so SO tired of....
Negativity in my life! .... Political manoevering amongst friends/family/work! ... My complaining! Operations! I have truly had enough. I've got enough on my plate trying to stay focused on my road ahead without added stresses. I don't need fear added into the mix. By that I mean, fear of the finances, fear of my skin tissue, fear of how people will treat me differently. It all brings me down down down - to a VERY bad place, a place I don't like to be!
Please, I urge anyone who knows someone trying to lose weight or quit smoking or whatever it is - HELP THEM and you do that by building up!!! Encouraging!!!! Supporting!!!! Problem Solving!!!
I haven't blogged for a while because I haven't been inspired, I haven't felt strong, I veered off the path again.
This week has been better, definitely more focused! I've just got to keep my eye on the prize and deal with things as they come up. Right now I can't make certain decisions because I'm not at that bridge.
I'm doing the 21 days thing again. Found that was a really good foundation. 21 days to create a new habit. Get through that and you can manage quite easily again.
Health is wealth, look after yours.
Please, I urge anyone who knows someone trying to lose weight or quit smoking or whatever it is - HELP THEM and you do that by building up!!! Encouraging!!!! Supporting!!!! Problem Solving!!!
I haven't blogged for a while because I haven't been inspired, I haven't felt strong, I veered off the path again.
This week has been better, definitely more focused! I've just got to keep my eye on the prize and deal with things as they come up. Right now I can't make certain decisions because I'm not at that bridge.
I'm doing the 21 days thing again. Found that was a really good foundation. 21 days to create a new habit. Get through that and you can manage quite easily again.
Health is wealth, look after yours.
Friday, 16 September 2011
Happy updates
I know a number of my posts have been a bit dark of late. Please realise that the journey is such an emotional one and I will have my sunny fantastic days/weeks and then days that are purple, black and full of dispair.
After much consideration I think it is time for me to go and get a neutral voice to speak into this journey, and by that I mean a shrink. I do feel that I need to talk some things through and for that voice to provide a neutral opinion or just a different opinion.
Thankfully today I am much better. My mood did improve and though I do know in that moment that it is just that - a moment - it's difficult to see it and feel it. I was subdued over the weekend. Friday night I sat at my mums place with the little sausage dog - Estha - as company, she was also subdued. We watched telly together and had a snooze together. She was the perfect company I needed. Total acceptance of me.
Saturday was spanish and I took in absolutely nothing! I did have a fabulous fruit salad afterwards and joined the Youngs for a kiddies birthday. That lifted my spirits. Nothing like watching kiddies stuff their face with sweets, flitter around with wings and plaster blush on their cheeks and armpits! Kyle told the little birthday girl,
Doone Bug, that the stuff you put on your face also goes on your armpits, and without even thinking about this, she promply applied a layer of blush to her armpits, pulled out her bling bling mirror and had a squiz to make sure the application was just so. She is 4! How can that not put a smile on your dial.
Sunday was another little kiddies party - this time lil Kayla - only turning a whole 1 this year and had mini wings. The rest of the day was spent smoking hubbly and watching SA idols and chilling.
Monday I had a fantastic work out at taibo. It was really a go go go session that was going to go on for two hours. We only did an hour and 10 because I have to get home, make dinner and be ready for Surviver.
Tuesday - oooh drama night. Though it didn't start out as such. I had an very enjoyable evening completing my gecko mosaic project and a couple of other mosaic projects: Pics are here....
The drama came about when I arrived home. There is a cat in our building which is quite aggressive and always spits and hisses and tries to claw you. I usually make sure I have something that can act as a barrier, usually my bag, when I walk past the cat....just in case. Well this cat, name = Ninja (don't laugh), came for me and swiped my leg, and as I tried to shoo him away with my bag, literally launched himself at me, jumped on my right arm and bit and clawed me quite badly. Okay the photos are taking forever to load - you can view the album on facebook "Ninja Cat Attack" So now I'm on a course of rabies injections, because he hasn't had his vaccines and just the extreme aggression he displayed.
Of course this drama put me in a little bit of a spin as I just didn't feel emotionally strong enough to handle it. I am happy to say that it didn't make me spiral into that dark place. I accepted it for what it was, knew that paying the R2500 in total was worth my life.
Now to fabulous news. Lost the weight I put on last week and then some. 2.7kg down! down down down. I reckon taibo is helping and so is the walking. Had a fantastic work out, eating healthy, allow myself a little healthy treat now and again and am not beating myself up about it.
I have to thank my friends, both online and here for all their support and encouragement.
Health is wealth.
After much consideration I think it is time for me to go and get a neutral voice to speak into this journey, and by that I mean a shrink. I do feel that I need to talk some things through and for that voice to provide a neutral opinion or just a different opinion.
Thankfully today I am much better. My mood did improve and though I do know in that moment that it is just that - a moment - it's difficult to see it and feel it. I was subdued over the weekend. Friday night I sat at my mums place with the little sausage dog - Estha - as company, she was also subdued. We watched telly together and had a snooze together. She was the perfect company I needed. Total acceptance of me.
Saturday was spanish and I took in absolutely nothing! I did have a fabulous fruit salad afterwards and joined the Youngs for a kiddies birthday. That lifted my spirits. Nothing like watching kiddies stuff their face with sweets, flitter around with wings and plaster blush on their cheeks and armpits! Kyle told the little birthday girl,
Doone Bug, that the stuff you put on your face also goes on your armpits, and without even thinking about this, she promply applied a layer of blush to her armpits, pulled out her bling bling mirror and had a squiz to make sure the application was just so. She is 4! How can that not put a smile on your dial.
Sunday was another little kiddies party - this time lil Kayla - only turning a whole 1 this year and had mini wings. The rest of the day was spent smoking hubbly and watching SA idols and chilling.
Monday I had a fantastic work out at taibo. It was really a go go go session that was going to go on for two hours. We only did an hour and 10 because I have to get home, make dinner and be ready for Surviver.
Tuesday - oooh drama night. Though it didn't start out as such. I had an very enjoyable evening completing my gecko mosaic project and a couple of other mosaic projects: Pics are here....
The drama came about when I arrived home. There is a cat in our building which is quite aggressive and always spits and hisses and tries to claw you. I usually make sure I have something that can act as a barrier, usually my bag, when I walk past the cat....just in case. Well this cat, name = Ninja (don't laugh), came for me and swiped my leg, and as I tried to shoo him away with my bag, literally launched himself at me, jumped on my right arm and bit and clawed me quite badly. Okay the photos are taking forever to load - you can view the album on facebook "Ninja Cat Attack" So now I'm on a course of rabies injections, because he hasn't had his vaccines and just the extreme aggression he displayed.
Of course this drama put me in a little bit of a spin as I just didn't feel emotionally strong enough to handle it. I am happy to say that it didn't make me spiral into that dark place. I accepted it for what it was, knew that paying the R2500 in total was worth my life.
Now to fabulous news. Lost the weight I put on last week and then some. 2.7kg down! down down down. I reckon taibo is helping and so is the walking. Had a fantastic work out, eating healthy, allow myself a little healthy treat now and again and am not beating myself up about it.
I have to thank my friends, both online and here for all their support and encouragement.
Health is wealth.
Friday, 09 September 2011
Wild Rollercoaster Ride!
I really don't know how much of this emotional ride I can take. I change like 4 seasons in one day. Yesturday I was strong as ox, the world was my oyster I was focused, I was walking, I was positive and in charge. This morning I woke up shivering, depressed, burst into tears, had the uncontrollable urge to eat, wanted to crawl under my covers and give up. I literally pulled the covers over my head and balled my eyes out.
This is playing absolute havoc with my physce (sp) I feel that I'm going insane and I'm aware of it. Ah to fall asleep and wake up in 5 months time and be done with this weightloss. It's so fustrating not knowing where my emotions are going to be at. I have never been on a more up and down journey in my life. Words cannot truly get to the core of how I feel. If I try describe it, I'll sound loony......because while the moods are swinging like tarzaan, my body is restless, I'm feeling itchy, like I've got a bazillion ants patrolling the inners of my being - not pleasant at all.
I know so many of you will tell me to stay positive and be strong, trust me, I tell myself that every day. Sometimes it works, other times it means sweat blow all and no amount of positive talk is going to sink it. My mind is making me suffer. I know that there is no reason to suffer, I'm getting good healthy food into my body, I'm doing my body a fantastic service by feeding it with healthy foods, but it's because I can't have my own way and that is my suffering. One thing I can say is "at least I am aware of that". The suffering is in my mind, but boy oh boy hmmmm eish the mind is a strong thing.
I had no choice but to pull myself out of bed, get ready for work and face the day. I analysed the thoughts in my mind from a distance. Breathed in huge amounts of air to force me relax and calm down. Once I had calmed down, I was okay again.
This is not only a very natural journey as in I'm physically losing weight and my actual body is changing. This is also a deeply spiritual and transcendial journey for me. It's forcing me to be very aware of my thoughts and the power they hold. Forcing me to be conscious of now. Forcing me to see my ego and deal with it.
I want this so much that I'm choosing to stay on this rollercoaster ride. God help my sanity.
Health is wealth and mental peace of mind.
This is playing absolute havoc with my physce (sp) I feel that I'm going insane and I'm aware of it. Ah to fall asleep and wake up in 5 months time and be done with this weightloss. It's so fustrating not knowing where my emotions are going to be at. I have never been on a more up and down journey in my life. Words cannot truly get to the core of how I feel. If I try describe it, I'll sound loony......because while the moods are swinging like tarzaan, my body is restless, I'm feeling itchy, like I've got a bazillion ants patrolling the inners of my being - not pleasant at all.
I know so many of you will tell me to stay positive and be strong, trust me, I tell myself that every day. Sometimes it works, other times it means sweat blow all and no amount of positive talk is going to sink it. My mind is making me suffer. I know that there is no reason to suffer, I'm getting good healthy food into my body, I'm doing my body a fantastic service by feeding it with healthy foods, but it's because I can't have my own way and that is my suffering. One thing I can say is "at least I am aware of that". The suffering is in my mind, but boy oh boy hmmmm eish the mind is a strong thing.
I had no choice but to pull myself out of bed, get ready for work and face the day. I analysed the thoughts in my mind from a distance. Breathed in huge amounts of air to force me relax and calm down. Once I had calmed down, I was okay again.
This is not only a very natural journey as in I'm physically losing weight and my actual body is changing. This is also a deeply spiritual and transcendial journey for me. It's forcing me to be very aware of my thoughts and the power they hold. Forcing me to be conscious of now. Forcing me to see my ego and deal with it.
I want this so much that I'm choosing to stay on this rollercoaster ride. God help my sanity.
Health is wealth and mental peace of mind.
Wednesday, 07 September 2011
It's difficult...
It's very difficult to stay in a positive frame of mind when you are brought down in other aspects of your life - mine at the moment is work. That pushes stress up, unhappiness can creep in and of course food hangs itself in fron t of you like a freaking carrot. I'm literally gritting my teeth to stay 100% this week. There are times I feel like I just want to give up, walk out on my job, on the diet and resign myself to a life of whatever.
I am reading books about letting go of the ego, of making peace and being at peace. It's difficult. For me all this just makes me want to eat eat eat. I'm in a struggle of keeping my mind body and soul focused.
I also wonder why when the chips are down something else comes around to give you a kick in the stomach - just for good measure. Light my candle, focus, come back to the now (though that is a 'problem' in itself, I don't want to be where I am now.....don't know how to solve that one).
**insert huge huge sigh and shake of my head** I want things to be simple. I don't want accolades and fame and glory, I just want .... okay, pause a momet. In these 2 lines and including this one I've used *I* 5 times. Time to stop and just let it go. As humans we attached worth to *I*, *me* mine* and define ourselves by it "what do people think of me? why don't they value my opinion? Don't touch what is mine? etc and 9 times out of 10 measure/define ourselves up against that. I am not sure if this is what is happening in my current work situation but I am aware of it.
Back to my diet. I started taibo on Monday night and my leg muscles, especially my thighs, are still sore! I was hoping to do another session on Thursday but at this rate won't be able to keep up. In between I am walking - it's great to keep the legs warm and work those muscles. Eventually it would be great to work up to 3 workouts a week.
Taking the work situation out of the picture I am feeling pretty good. I've been 100% on the program so far this week and can feel the changes already. I may be boardering on the obsessive in my desire to succeed. I have too. I will not/cannot accept failure. I keep reminding myself of where I was, where do I want to be, this could help me break free of work bonds. At the same time I don't want to put too much pressure on myself because then I beat myself up mentally. One day, baby steps **deep breath**
My desire to succeed outweighs everything else right now.
Health is wealth.
I am reading books about letting go of the ego, of making peace and being at peace. It's difficult. For me all this just makes me want to eat eat eat. I'm in a struggle of keeping my mind body and soul focused.
I also wonder why when the chips are down something else comes around to give you a kick in the stomach - just for good measure. Light my candle, focus, come back to the now (though that is a 'problem' in itself, I don't want to be where I am now.....don't know how to solve that one).
**insert huge huge sigh and shake of my head** I want things to be simple. I don't want accolades and fame and glory, I just want .... okay, pause a momet. In these 2 lines and including this one I've used *I* 5 times. Time to stop and just let it go. As humans we attached worth to *I*, *me* mine* and define ourselves by it "what do people think of me? why don't they value my opinion? Don't touch what is mine? etc and 9 times out of 10 measure/define ourselves up against that. I am not sure if this is what is happening in my current work situation but I am aware of it.
Back to my diet. I started taibo on Monday night and my leg muscles, especially my thighs, are still sore! I was hoping to do another session on Thursday but at this rate won't be able to keep up. In between I am walking - it's great to keep the legs warm and work those muscles. Eventually it would be great to work up to 3 workouts a week.
Taking the work situation out of the picture I am feeling pretty good. I've been 100% on the program so far this week and can feel the changes already. I may be boardering on the obsessive in my desire to succeed. I have too. I will not/cannot accept failure. I keep reminding myself of where I was, where do I want to be, this could help me break free of work bonds. At the same time I don't want to put too much pressure on myself because then I beat myself up mentally. One day, baby steps **deep breath**
My desire to succeed outweighs everything else right now.
Health is wealth.
Monday, 05 September 2011
A healthy step - mentally.
I had done a fine job of doing a new post and of course as cyber world would have it, lost all the info. It was a good post too. I'll have to get down the basic idea, but I know it's just not going to rock as well as my first draft.
Being a leader is not about being in a position of superiority or power or instilling fear. That just makes you higher up the ladder. The position or pay cheque itself does not make you a leader. I am not in a corporate leader postion - I sell advertising and we have a team of 5 that completes the sales team. It's made up of another sales lady, 2 layout ladies and 1 accounts lady. I am not their boss or manager. I do however feel a sense of responsibilty for them, I'll sometimes speak up on behalf of the group, take the initiative etc. That is in my nature.
A leader is someone (in my humble opinion) that can pull themselves out of the mire and encourage the troops when things are not going so well. To lift their spirits and to show them that there is in fact light at the end of the tunnel. It is to pull them up when they can't do it themselves. To lead by example I call the rest of the ladies on 'my' team as 'my ladies'. I was in no position to lift them out of the dirt last week as I was down there with them, and I couldn't figure out how to pull myself out of the pit, let alone them. After giving myself mental slaps and chats this weekend I came into the office fortified. I know that though I cannot control outside forces I can control myself. Since I've decided to pull myself toward myself again with my diet, I feel control in other aspects too. Plus I had my little candle of light. Even in the darkest places, light can shine through and cut the blackness.
I lit my little candle, breathed in the little bit of warmth it created and got into "being" mode. Just be. In that mode there is a delicious quiteness of the mind, it's rich, it's golden and it's powerful. It resonates in every fibre and every living cell. You know in that mode that all is possible. I drew my strength from that spoke encouraging words to my ladies. Do the best job you can do while on the job, do it with a smile, give of your best because "they" cannot take that away from you, don't let them point figures and say that you didn't do you job well.
By being in control again of myself it can
filter into other aspects and slowly, one step by one step I can take more
control of those other aspects
All health is wealth!
Being a leader is not about being in a position of superiority or power or instilling fear. That just makes you higher up the ladder. The position or pay cheque itself does not make you a leader. I am not in a corporate leader postion - I sell advertising and we have a team of 5 that completes the sales team. It's made up of another sales lady, 2 layout ladies and 1 accounts lady. I am not their boss or manager. I do however feel a sense of responsibilty for them, I'll sometimes speak up on behalf of the group, take the initiative etc. That is in my nature.
A leader is someone (in my humble opinion) that can pull themselves out of the mire and encourage the troops when things are not going so well. To lift their spirits and to show them that there is in fact light at the end of the tunnel. It is to pull them up when they can't do it themselves. To lead by example I call the rest of the ladies on 'my' team as 'my ladies'. I was in no position to lift them out of the dirt last week as I was down there with them, and I couldn't figure out how to pull myself out of the pit, let alone them. After giving myself mental slaps and chats this weekend I came into the office fortified. I know that though I cannot control outside forces I can control myself. Since I've decided to pull myself toward myself again with my diet, I feel control in other aspects too. Plus I had my little candle of light. Even in the darkest places, light can shine through and cut the blackness.
I lit my little candle, breathed in the little bit of warmth it created and got into "being" mode. Just be. In that mode there is a delicious quiteness of the mind, it's rich, it's golden and it's powerful. It resonates in every fibre and every living cell. You know in that mode that all is possible. I drew my strength from that spoke encouraging words to my ladies. Do the best job you can do while on the job, do it with a smile, give of your best because "they" cannot take that away from you, don't let them point figures and say that you didn't do you job well.
All health is wealth!
A new day.
This past week I have been frustrated with finance - future finances that is. I have been thwaked for a six when it comes to work: it amazes me how some bosses think they are the be all and end all, the comander in chief - even when there are the "big shots" above them. I have been pulled down by family stress. This all of course affects my mood, my emotions, which in turn affect my diet.
I fell off the rails this past week. I turned back into the emotional eater I was, not as bad as before, but I knew it for what it was. I knew I was trying to numb myself, to push things to the back of my mind and not face them head on. I felt out of control, felt lost, alone, and very much unhappy.
I spoke it out as much as I could and have had to pull myself back into the "be aware" frame of mind, concentrate on the now and what is happening in that moment. That I can still have control over. That thought stilled the madness - mostly.
So what have I decided? Finance - This is a future financial 'worry'. I want to have an operation that will cut away excess skin and fix boob deflation. The cost is substantial and at the moment I'm getting into a good financial situtation - in that my debts are getting paid off. However with this op, I'll be back where I started. My decision on this is to save what I can, continue to lose weight and to train. Once I'm ready for the op, make decisions then based on that time frame. Work: I can control myself. I cannot control my boss, I do not expect the bosses attitude to change, continue to work my time in and do my best in that time. To put my feelers out there and go for interviews and see what comes of it. Family: hmm family is always tricky even when all the members are healthy and communicating openly. Having a sick member of the family is taxing, when communication isn't that clear or open, all this can start taking it's toll. Feelings of appreciation or lack of appreciation, you get told one thing, hear another and at the end of it all don't know head or tale about what is going on. Diet: Pull myself towards myself and get back on track. As of today I will make sure that I am prepared. I came to a major realisation last night that this next phase is me. The first phase was promted because my uncle was ill and though that got me on my journey, isn't enough to sustain me. Now it's me. Now I have to want this badly for myself and I do. I don't want to be fat for the rest of my life. I have to go back to living each day 100%, but living for that day and not for tomorrow. I have to carry on walking this path, so that it leads me to a healthy, happier future. My now determines my future.
That is where I am at today. A healthier place than I was yesturday.
I do want to be healthy today, tomorrow and for the rest of my days.
Join me if you haven't started your healthy journey - we can encourage each other.
Health is wealth.
I fell off the rails this past week. I turned back into the emotional eater I was, not as bad as before, but I knew it for what it was. I knew I was trying to numb myself, to push things to the back of my mind and not face them head on. I felt out of control, felt lost, alone, and very much unhappy.
I spoke it out as much as I could and have had to pull myself back into the "be aware" frame of mind, concentrate on the now and what is happening in that moment. That I can still have control over. That thought stilled the madness - mostly.
So what have I decided? Finance - This is a future financial 'worry'. I want to have an operation that will cut away excess skin and fix boob deflation. The cost is substantial and at the moment I'm getting into a good financial situtation - in that my debts are getting paid off. However with this op, I'll be back where I started. My decision on this is to save what I can, continue to lose weight and to train. Once I'm ready for the op, make decisions then based on that time frame. Work: I can control myself. I cannot control my boss, I do not expect the bosses attitude to change, continue to work my time in and do my best in that time. To put my feelers out there and go for interviews and see what comes of it. Family: hmm family is always tricky even when all the members are healthy and communicating openly. Having a sick member of the family is taxing, when communication isn't that clear or open, all this can start taking it's toll. Feelings of appreciation or lack of appreciation, you get told one thing, hear another and at the end of it all don't know head or tale about what is going on. Diet: Pull myself towards myself and get back on track. As of today I will make sure that I am prepared. I came to a major realisation last night that this next phase is me. The first phase was promted because my uncle was ill and though that got me on my journey, isn't enough to sustain me. Now it's me. Now I have to want this badly for myself and I do. I don't want to be fat for the rest of my life. I have to go back to living each day 100%, but living for that day and not for tomorrow. I have to carry on walking this path, so that it leads me to a healthy, happier future. My now determines my future.
That is where I am at today. A healthier place than I was yesturday.
I do want to be healthy today, tomorrow and for the rest of my days.
Join me if you haven't started your healthy journey - we can encourage each other.
Health is wealth.
Wednesday, 31 August 2011
A blow!
I came into work after 2 days rest feeling so happy with life, feeling like all that I invision for my weightloss journey will coming to pass, that with lots of saving, help from my mother and father and a loan I'd be able to have the surgery I would need after this weightloss. I know I will need surgery on my stomach and boobs because of the excess skin.
I decided to be proactive and get various quotes now.
Well the quotes I have received so far have literally floored me, and it's not the surgeons fees it is hospitilasation. R 70 000 - that is not with the surgeons fee of R40 000, the anethitest of R14 000 and the assistant fee of R6000 - grand total is R130 000 - I was hoping for something in the region of R80 000, but bad luck for me.
Let me tell you how this effects me. I burst into tears. All the hard work I have put into this whole thing and all the hard work I will have to put into it still will mean nothing. I will still hate my body, perhaps even more because now it's really going to look ugly and I will have no choice but to live with it. I'll never want to be intimate with anyone every again because for a woman if you don't feel good about yourself, well that's it, it's not going to happen......If I hate myself still, how do I help and give hope to others.
I'm upset. I can feel bad feelings of being overwhelmed and getting sucked into a black hole arising.
What is the point of continuing trying to lose weight if I'm just going to hate myself anyway at the end of it all.
So that is where I'm at today. My dream shattered. No way of finding a solution to this because I simply cannot afford it and even with help from my parents can't. I will have to find a way of just accepting this, making my peace with it and put it aside. There really is nothing else I can do.
You may wonder why this is effecting me so hugely. My whole life I have lived for others, my whole life I have put myself far down the list, my whole life or most of it I have been overweight, my whole life I have never ever liked the body I live in - I don't want to live like that anymore. I want to be fit, slim, healthy and enjoy being in my body, when something like that is taken away by a quote - well there really aren't proper words to describe how I feel, how do you put into words seeing your dreams, aspirations and all that you hoped drift away from you and there is nothing nothing nothing you can do about it.
I guess from today I have to make peace that it's not meant for me.
I decided to be proactive and get various quotes now.
Well the quotes I have received so far have literally floored me, and it's not the surgeons fees it is hospitilasation. R 70 000 - that is not with the surgeons fee of R40 000, the anethitest of R14 000 and the assistant fee of R6000 - grand total is R130 000 - I was hoping for something in the region of R80 000, but bad luck for me.
Let me tell you how this effects me. I burst into tears. All the hard work I have put into this whole thing and all the hard work I will have to put into it still will mean nothing. I will still hate my body, perhaps even more because now it's really going to look ugly and I will have no choice but to live with it. I'll never want to be intimate with anyone every again because for a woman if you don't feel good about yourself, well that's it, it's not going to happen......If I hate myself still, how do I help and give hope to others.
I'm upset. I can feel bad feelings of being overwhelmed and getting sucked into a black hole arising.
What is the point of continuing trying to lose weight if I'm just going to hate myself anyway at the end of it all.
So that is where I'm at today. My dream shattered. No way of finding a solution to this because I simply cannot afford it and even with help from my parents can't. I will have to find a way of just accepting this, making my peace with it and put it aside. There really is nothing else I can do.
You may wonder why this is effecting me so hugely. My whole life I have lived for others, my whole life I have put myself far down the list, my whole life or most of it I have been overweight, my whole life I have never ever liked the body I live in - I don't want to live like that anymore. I want to be fit, slim, healthy and enjoy being in my body, when something like that is taken away by a quote - well there really aren't proper words to describe how I feel, how do you put into words seeing your dreams, aspirations and all that you hoped drift away from you and there is nothing nothing nothing you can do about it.
I guess from today I have to make peace that it's not meant for me.
Wednesday, 24 August 2011
Ouch!
It's been over a year since my uncle was diagnosed with cancer, over a year since my cousins' marriage in the Uk and over a year since I did regular physical excercise.
The program I've been on does mention that you shouldn't excercise too excessively - simply because you are not eating enough fuel. Saying that though, I've recently been feeling like my arms and legs have ants in them. I call this nervous energy and I know why - I have a lot going on, my uncle is getting worse, I'm not focusing like before and I need to burn this energy up.
I started walking. Remember, no regular physical exercise for over a year. So I decided to start off with an easy walk around my local racecourse. It's about 3km - 3.5km around the whole racecourse. I started this past Monday, not gunhoe, but a reasonable pace to elevate my heart rate and get me flushed. I will walk every day (at least 5 times a week), I will then increase to twice around the course. Cardio fitness is my aim for now. I don't want to launch into gyming and weights straight away, because I know how my body works and this time around I'm listening to my body, and will give it what it needs and what it can handle. I don't want to push any trigers that will throw me off course.
I'm due for my 3rd walk tonight and man I can feel all those unused muscles protesting. My shins, my glutes, my thighs and even my lats (I don't know how that figures in it, perhaps the swager of the walk) - all of them are creaking, moaning and paining. It feels great! I'm moving again - moving with intent. Moving towards my goal, aiding my weightloss plan and at a healthy pace.
My passion for health, fitness and good nutritian is growing with every day, to the extent that I want to make a career change and go into this full time and really help overweight people. They will get heartfelt, excellent advice from someone that DID IT! Not some Barbie or Ken that has never battled with weight (in saying this I know there are trainers out there that do care, again though you have never been in "our" shoes). People will know that I did it and if I did it, so can they, I can provide them with healthy tools to get them on their way. I'll be enrolling in the Health and Fitness Professional Association of South Africa next year July.
For now regardless of aches and pains, my mind is on track. I feel focused again. Worked off a lot of negativity and iffiness I'd been carrying for the last 10 days or so. The walk gave me that extra needed oomph, and it stilled my 'ants'.
I have also finally completed my little mosaic handbag - for those of you that didn't know, I have been going to mosaic classes. I find it so theraputic to think about nothing else but little tiles and sticking them down for three hours. It's a type of meditation for me. In those 3 hours a week I don't have to think about illnesses, work, diets, bills - just my tiles and my project at hand. I will take a pic of the complete mosic bag and put it up. My second project is for my friends mum - she has a gecko wall. Well I've called it her gecko wall. There are families of geckos living on that wall along with a mirror, wire and candle gecko. I'm doing a bright mosaic one for her - tadaa. Proud to say I drew the gecko freehand and that it's come along very nicely - that too will be showcased. Yes - I do take on work - so if you want something done - contact me.
In other good news, my cousins are coming down from the UK. First one arrives today and the second with wifey arrives on friday. I haven't seen them for nearly a year. It's going to be awesome. They will get to spend time with their uncle and have their serious, fun and sad moments. My little family will be together and we'll help each other through this. My uncle has gotten a lot worse and we don't think he's going to last too much longer. I'm so happy he has gotten to see me at least start this journey, he has seen that I mean business and I know that he is so proud of me. He knew I could do it, I knew I could do it - here I am people...doing it every day. I will carry on until I have reached my goal, and I will continue to maintain and help all that I can.
From me to you - health is wealth, treasure it.
The program I've been on does mention that you shouldn't excercise too excessively - simply because you are not eating enough fuel. Saying that though, I've recently been feeling like my arms and legs have ants in them. I call this nervous energy and I know why - I have a lot going on, my uncle is getting worse, I'm not focusing like before and I need to burn this energy up.
I started walking. Remember, no regular physical exercise for over a year. So I decided to start off with an easy walk around my local racecourse. It's about 3km - 3.5km around the whole racecourse. I started this past Monday, not gunhoe, but a reasonable pace to elevate my heart rate and get me flushed. I will walk every day (at least 5 times a week), I will then increase to twice around the course. Cardio fitness is my aim for now. I don't want to launch into gyming and weights straight away, because I know how my body works and this time around I'm listening to my body, and will give it what it needs and what it can handle. I don't want to push any trigers that will throw me off course.
I'm due for my 3rd walk tonight and man I can feel all those unused muscles protesting. My shins, my glutes, my thighs and even my lats (I don't know how that figures in it, perhaps the swager of the walk) - all of them are creaking, moaning and paining. It feels great! I'm moving again - moving with intent. Moving towards my goal, aiding my weightloss plan and at a healthy pace.
My passion for health, fitness and good nutritian is growing with every day, to the extent that I want to make a career change and go into this full time and really help overweight people. They will get heartfelt, excellent advice from someone that DID IT! Not some Barbie or Ken that has never battled with weight (in saying this I know there are trainers out there that do care, again though you have never been in "our" shoes). People will know that I did it and if I did it, so can they, I can provide them with healthy tools to get them on their way. I'll be enrolling in the Health and Fitness Professional Association of South Africa next year July.
For now regardless of aches and pains, my mind is on track. I feel focused again. Worked off a lot of negativity and iffiness I'd been carrying for the last 10 days or so. The walk gave me that extra needed oomph, and it stilled my 'ants'.
I have also finally completed my little mosaic handbag - for those of you that didn't know, I have been going to mosaic classes. I find it so theraputic to think about nothing else but little tiles and sticking them down for three hours. It's a type of meditation for me. In those 3 hours a week I don't have to think about illnesses, work, diets, bills - just my tiles and my project at hand. I will take a pic of the complete mosic bag and put it up. My second project is for my friends mum - she has a gecko wall. Well I've called it her gecko wall. There are families of geckos living on that wall along with a mirror, wire and candle gecko. I'm doing a bright mosaic one for her - tadaa. Proud to say I drew the gecko freehand and that it's come along very nicely - that too will be showcased. Yes - I do take on work - so if you want something done - contact me.
In other good news, my cousins are coming down from the UK. First one arrives today and the second with wifey arrives on friday. I haven't seen them for nearly a year. It's going to be awesome. They will get to spend time with their uncle and have their serious, fun and sad moments. My little family will be together and we'll help each other through this. My uncle has gotten a lot worse and we don't think he's going to last too much longer. I'm so happy he has gotten to see me at least start this journey, he has seen that I mean business and I know that he is so proud of me. He knew I could do it, I knew I could do it - here I am people...doing it every day. I will carry on until I have reached my goal, and I will continue to maintain and help all that I can.
From me to you - health is wealth, treasure it.
Thursday, 18 August 2011
Regrets......
I have a couple of regrets: 1 - didn't lose weight sooner 2 - didn't leave the JW religion sooner 3 - didn't do the sports I wanted too: tennins & swimming (due to 1 & 2) I have to accept those regrets, make peace with them and then choose to live a life that I believe I am worthy of.
In saying that though I am taking back control of my life and will from now on live without regret, so that when I get to my death bed I will look back on my life and know it was a good life. People are telling me that I can't do certain things - I'm going to do things that make me happy and if I want to give up work for a year and travel at the age of 35 or 40 - I will make plans to do just that!
I've read this below a number of times and want to share it with those that perhaps have not come across it. It is so true! I challenge all of you to live a life without regrets, starting from today. It truly is in your control.
Top Five Regrets: by By Bronnie Ware
For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives.
People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learned never to underestimate someone's capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them. When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:
1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
This was the most common regret of all. When people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people have had not honored even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.
It is very important to try and honor at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realize, until they no longer have it.
2. I wish I didn't work so hard.
This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence. By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.
3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.
Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result. We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
Often they would not truly realize the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying. It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realize until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.
When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying. Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness. *end*
The above does seems very obvious doesn't it, but ask yourself if you honestly get it. We all let the little every day worries get us down trodden and we lose our way. We all have the power not to be the victim, we all have the power to pull ourselves up out of the rut and move forward and upward to the life we want for ourselves. I know we all believe that if we had more money we'd be happy, sure more money makes certain things easier, but you can be financially wise with your money if you are working and make healthier decisions in that area too - you'll realise then that money isn't everything.
God I really just want to inject some positiveness into your minds, your hearts, your lives. Life is what we make of it. Live yours to the very best you can. I've started living mine.
All types of health: mental, financial, love, physical are the true wealth of this world
In saying that though I am taking back control of my life and will from now on live without regret, so that when I get to my death bed I will look back on my life and know it was a good life. People are telling me that I can't do certain things - I'm going to do things that make me happy and if I want to give up work for a year and travel at the age of 35 or 40 - I will make plans to do just that!
I've read this below a number of times and want to share it with those that perhaps have not come across it. It is so true! I challenge all of you to live a life without regrets, starting from today. It truly is in your control.
Top Five Regrets: by By Bronnie Ware
For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives.
People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learned never to underestimate someone's capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them. When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:
1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
This was the most common regret of all. When people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people have had not honored even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.
It is very important to try and honor at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realize, until they no longer have it.
2. I wish I didn't work so hard.
This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence. By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.
3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.
Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result. We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
Often they would not truly realize the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying. It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realize until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.
When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying. Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness. *end*
The above does seems very obvious doesn't it, but ask yourself if you honestly get it. We all let the little every day worries get us down trodden and we lose our way. We all have the power not to be the victim, we all have the power to pull ourselves up out of the rut and move forward and upward to the life we want for ourselves. I know we all believe that if we had more money we'd be happy, sure more money makes certain things easier, but you can be financially wise with your money if you are working and make healthier decisions in that area too - you'll realise then that money isn't everything.
God I really just want to inject some positiveness into your minds, your hearts, your lives. Life is what we make of it. Live yours to the very best you can. I've started living mine.
All types of health: mental, financial, love, physical are the true wealth of this world
Head Space.
I haven't been in the best head space lately. Feeling a little blue and it could be for a number of reasons: the cold weather is getting to me, I've been feeling so nauseous, a bit snotty, my uncle, nothing fits me anymore and just out of sorts. In order to combat the nauseous I've been having heavier food - more starch, but all that has done is bring me down even more, so from today I'm just going to go back to my eating plan and hopefully this icky feeling will pass (it's been over a week).
I feel stuck in a rut, with work and with the diet. I'm a little bored. A little irritated with one or two mates and I don't feel like I want to reach out and make contact. I pretty much feel that if you don't make the effort, don't expect me too either.
So yeah, just blue. I could do with a cup of comfort tea = Rooibos with milk and sugar.
On the positive side I'm going to send my CV to a company, just want to put my feelers out there. I also want to start walking...perhaps that what all the above is about. I want to get a bit more active and release those good endorphines. Nothing hectic just a couple laps around the local racecourse - about a 3.4km walk around. Once summer comes I'm definitely going to going for a few lengths in the swimming pool.
What I got to do right now though is pull myself out of the funk. Bring myself back into line and focus. I keep telling myself that it's not like anything bad is happening or that I've lost control. Just not functioning at my optimum.
The good thing is that I'm aware of this state and can see it and work in a direction that will lift me up. I'm going to have some energy tea, my vitamins and put a smile on my dial.
When down, got to pick myself up and not allow myself to wallow.
Mental & Physical health is true wealth.
I feel stuck in a rut, with work and with the diet. I'm a little bored. A little irritated with one or two mates and I don't feel like I want to reach out and make contact. I pretty much feel that if you don't make the effort, don't expect me too either.
So yeah, just blue. I could do with a cup of comfort tea = Rooibos with milk and sugar.
On the positive side I'm going to send my CV to a company, just want to put my feelers out there. I also want to start walking...perhaps that what all the above is about. I want to get a bit more active and release those good endorphines. Nothing hectic just a couple laps around the local racecourse - about a 3.4km walk around. Once summer comes I'm definitely going to going for a few lengths in the swimming pool.
What I got to do right now though is pull myself out of the funk. Bring myself back into line and focus. I keep telling myself that it's not like anything bad is happening or that I've lost control. Just not functioning at my optimum.
The good thing is that I'm aware of this state and can see it and work in a direction that will lift me up. I'm going to have some energy tea, my vitamins and put a smile on my dial.
When down, got to pick myself up and not allow myself to wallow.
Mental & Physical health is true wealth.
Wednesday, 10 August 2011
Lately I just don't want to eat....
That is true! I just don't want to prepare the food and eat it. Being on this diet is labour entensive. You have to get whatever it is you want out of the fridge, weigh and measure and 9 times out of 10 - cook it, don't forget you then got to get your herbs out and garlic in order to make it taste decent. After an hour of squatting, vacuuming and dusting, the last thing I want to is cook.
Okay rewind: Let me give you a brief summary of my weekend! Friday night was off to friends to go over spanish and, well that was it, go over spanish. Slept over and since I was planning on sleeping over the following night had to make sure that I was super prepared and get all meals ready - weighed and measured.
Saturday popped up and had a quick breakie of scrambled egg with onion and tomatoe while Jaryd ran around and got ready for spanish. Shot off for a 2 hour spanish class - which was SUPER CONFUSING!!! Verbs ending in AR, ER, IR have differnt endings if it is first person, second person, female, male, singular, plural - mind blowing stuff. After that 2 hour episode I could have done with a glass of wine to soothe the brain, but alas couldn't have that, so next best thing was puppies and fruit salad. Yay! I didn't have to prepare the fruit salad, I could choose the fruit I wanted and eat it. Joy!
Jaryd and I spent the rest of the afternoon working on his spanish assignment - I reckon we rocked it and am hoping for a good mark! Saturday night we had friends over for a braai, I had to make my own mince dish of course, which again = labour entensive, but I've got to do what I got to do. We rocked out on guitar hero and sing star till about 4:30 am - I had 2 little cuts of beef in this time as I was jumping around and after 5 hours got hungry again.
Woke up late on Sunday, had a quick breakie of scrambled egg again and didn't have time to make my lunch. I was taking my gran out for the day, which included lunch and didn't want to eat at a restaurant. Shot off picked up the gran and headed off to visit my uncle. Fast forward to lunch, my brother had joined us, which was a blessing as I might have had something more fattening than I did - he keeps a very strict eye on me, so I ended up having the chicken salad with feta and avo. I only ate half of the salad and know that I didn't exceed the protein quota at all because the chicken was only 4 measely thin strips, I am allowed feta and again definitely not enough to cover the protein quote. I did enjoy the avo!!!! - you get an eye for quantity on this diet. Gave the rest of the salad to my gran and brother - R55 for half a salad! Staying on track - priceless.
Monday = day off and lazed around.
Tuesday went to clean my uncles bedroom. It needed to have a good clean, move things out (like the bed) so that we can get a hospital bed into the room and just create more space for when he returns from hospice. Since my gran's vacuum cleaner doesn't stand up you have to lunge and then squat and vacuum, great for those leg and glutius maxiumus muscles! So come lunch time, I cut a quick 45g cheese and two crackers - didn't even feel like the veggies - so I didn't. Tuesday night I really didn't want to eat anything that I had to cook. Not that I want to pig out on pizza or anything like that. I could have done with cereal! or egg on toast. Something quick and simple with as little effort as possible. That can get frustrating - the fact that I can't just whip up something other than protein and veg, which inevitably has to be cooked. **sigh** Such is the life of a dieter.
I do feel thinner, in that I can feel my bones more, definately around my elbows, knees, chest and neck. I am getting tired (a bit) of the same foods, but I know I just got to hang in a little while longer. Got to see this to the end and can't give up. I give myself little inspirational talks every day. I have to remind myself about the baby steps: one step / one day at a time.
I really want to get to the gym so that I can start working out and toning, but I know right now it's about the bulk - get the bulk off first, do the "reintroductory foods" programme and then hit the gym with a proper eating plan to help me tone and sculpt. I've been looking at the "Body For Life" programme - there have been fantastic results and I know it takes hard work - I'm happy to put in those hours at the gym!
For now......back to baby steps.
Health is wealth.
Okay rewind: Let me give you a brief summary of my weekend! Friday night was off to friends to go over spanish and, well that was it, go over spanish. Slept over and since I was planning on sleeping over the following night had to make sure that I was super prepared and get all meals ready - weighed and measured.
Saturday popped up and had a quick breakie of scrambled egg with onion and tomatoe while Jaryd ran around and got ready for spanish. Shot off for a 2 hour spanish class - which was SUPER CONFUSING!!! Verbs ending in AR, ER, IR have differnt endings if it is first person, second person, female, male, singular, plural - mind blowing stuff. After that 2 hour episode I could have done with a glass of wine to soothe the brain, but alas couldn't have that, so next best thing was puppies and fruit salad. Yay! I didn't have to prepare the fruit salad, I could choose the fruit I wanted and eat it. Joy!
Jaryd and I spent the rest of the afternoon working on his spanish assignment - I reckon we rocked it and am hoping for a good mark! Saturday night we had friends over for a braai, I had to make my own mince dish of course, which again = labour entensive, but I've got to do what I got to do. We rocked out on guitar hero and sing star till about 4:30 am - I had 2 little cuts of beef in this time as I was jumping around and after 5 hours got hungry again.
Woke up late on Sunday, had a quick breakie of scrambled egg again and didn't have time to make my lunch. I was taking my gran out for the day, which included lunch and didn't want to eat at a restaurant. Shot off picked up the gran and headed off to visit my uncle. Fast forward to lunch, my brother had joined us, which was a blessing as I might have had something more fattening than I did - he keeps a very strict eye on me, so I ended up having the chicken salad with feta and avo. I only ate half of the salad and know that I didn't exceed the protein quota at all because the chicken was only 4 measely thin strips, I am allowed feta and again definitely not enough to cover the protein quote. I did enjoy the avo!!!! - you get an eye for quantity on this diet. Gave the rest of the salad to my gran and brother - R55 for half a salad! Staying on track - priceless.
Monday = day off and lazed around.
Tuesday went to clean my uncles bedroom. It needed to have a good clean, move things out (like the bed) so that we can get a hospital bed into the room and just create more space for when he returns from hospice. Since my gran's vacuum cleaner doesn't stand up you have to lunge and then squat and vacuum, great for those leg and glutius maxiumus muscles! So come lunch time, I cut a quick 45g cheese and two crackers - didn't even feel like the veggies - so I didn't. Tuesday night I really didn't want to eat anything that I had to cook. Not that I want to pig out on pizza or anything like that. I could have done with cereal! or egg on toast. Something quick and simple with as little effort as possible. That can get frustrating - the fact that I can't just whip up something other than protein and veg, which inevitably has to be cooked. **sigh** Such is the life of a dieter.
I do feel thinner, in that I can feel my bones more, definately around my elbows, knees, chest and neck. I am getting tired (a bit) of the same foods, but I know I just got to hang in a little while longer. Got to see this to the end and can't give up. I give myself little inspirational talks every day. I have to remind myself about the baby steps: one step / one day at a time.
I really want to get to the gym so that I can start working out and toning, but I know right now it's about the bulk - get the bulk off first, do the "reintroductory foods" programme and then hit the gym with a proper eating plan to help me tone and sculpt. I've been looking at the "Body For Life" programme - there have been fantastic results and I know it takes hard work - I'm happy to put in those hours at the gym!
For now......back to baby steps.
Health is wealth.
Thursday, 04 August 2011
Stay strong, stay true.
That is my motto I've written on my calender in my bedroom. This calender tracks my progress. After breaking the 40 kg mark I realised this is the time for me to get SERIOUS. I can't lose focus now. Time for me to lock my gaze on the goal and keep looking at it.
As I started typing this my boss handed me a black "People" bikini - my first bikini. Right now they look like little bits of dental floss and I cannot imagine squeezing myself into it - I doubt it would cover any wobbly bits at all - BUT - I will fit into this and I will take a picture and I will put it up for all to see :) ... once I've lost the weight of course, as I wouldn't want you to have nightmares.
So yes I have to stay strong and stay true. The war is not over. I've come far, but still have far to go.
I'm so happy that others have seen my story or read about my journey and are now trying to lose weight themselves. Do it!!!! Reach for that goal and take steps that will ensure your success. If you do have a bad day, forgive yourself and get back on the horse straight away, don't take a week or two to figure it out, by then all the work you've done would be in vain and you have to start all over again. Give yourself mental talks, hell, even speak out loud if that helps. I do. I've already gone over my food a number of times for the next few days, especially this coming saturday as I have braai at a friends place and then on Sunday I'm taking my gran out for lunch. I have to make sure I'm prepared, that I put effort into my food so that it is tastey and I have no reason to cheat. Talking it out kinda makes me feel I've committed to it. I've committed to the healthy food, it's just a matter of getting to that day and eating it. Yeah I still feel that I'm missing out, not all the time, just now and again. It's a reality I have to face on birthdays, special occassions, however NOTHING TASTES BETTER THAN LOSING WEIGHT.
I'm taking this coming monday off so I've got a nice long weekend. Long weekends can be rather tough if you are not busy, simply because temptations can arise. I might go for a long leisurely walk along the prominade or go to movies and play games. Get out of the house and into the warm sunshine.
To staying strong and true!
Health is wealth.
As I started typing this my boss handed me a black "People" bikini - my first bikini. Right now they look like little bits of dental floss and I cannot imagine squeezing myself into it - I doubt it would cover any wobbly bits at all - BUT - I will fit into this and I will take a picture and I will put it up for all to see :) ... once I've lost the weight of course, as I wouldn't want you to have nightmares.
So yes I have to stay strong and stay true. The war is not over. I've come far, but still have far to go.
I'm so happy that others have seen my story or read about my journey and are now trying to lose weight themselves. Do it!!!! Reach for that goal and take steps that will ensure your success. If you do have a bad day, forgive yourself and get back on the horse straight away, don't take a week or two to figure it out, by then all the work you've done would be in vain and you have to start all over again. Give yourself mental talks, hell, even speak out loud if that helps. I do. I've already gone over my food a number of times for the next few days, especially this coming saturday as I have braai at a friends place and then on Sunday I'm taking my gran out for lunch. I have to make sure I'm prepared, that I put effort into my food so that it is tastey and I have no reason to cheat. Talking it out kinda makes me feel I've committed to it. I've committed to the healthy food, it's just a matter of getting to that day and eating it. Yeah I still feel that I'm missing out, not all the time, just now and again. It's a reality I have to face on birthdays, special occassions, however NOTHING TASTES BETTER THAN LOSING WEIGHT.
I'm taking this coming monday off so I've got a nice long weekend. Long weekends can be rather tough if you are not busy, simply because temptations can arise. I might go for a long leisurely walk along the prominade or go to movies and play games. Get out of the house and into the warm sunshine.
To staying strong and true!
Health is wealth.
Wednesday, 03 August 2011
Slob comment :(
I went to go visit my uncle at the hospice on monday night. They have upped his morphine to 9ml every 4 hours so most of the time he is zonked - out of it. He looked at me and said that he was going to tell me something, but only because I've lost weight. He said before I looked like a slob, people had said that to him. Shew!!! That kinda sucker punched me in the gut.
I know everyone has their definition of a slob, for me I never considered a fat person to be a slob, but I guess that's because I am fat. I have always taken care of how I present myself to the world - more so because of my weight issue. I'm mindful of the clothes I wear, that I have to make sure I'm groomed and presentable. We all have our bad days for sure but I was and still am extra mindful of that. The comment hurt. I didn't show it. I guess I've gotten so used to pushing those kind of comments (along with stares, gestures and all other things hurtful) to the back of my mind or eating until those feelings were numb. I know I would have turned to food before, as a source of comfort. I've just got to suck it up now - deal with it without running to food. I have endured things like that for as long as I can remember - you don't get used to people being nasty or saying nasty things. Sure sure we all sang "sticks and stones may breal my bones, but words will never hurt me" ... That is a load of bull shit. You can philosophise that words are just words and mean nothing. Let me tell you a truth. Words hurt! Words can cut you down and tear at your soul and make you cry. How do you feel when someone says something horrible about you, something nasty, points and laughs at you? Not very nice!
Yes I've lost weight but I still have a whole heap to go and know that I will still get those words whispered, I'll still get stared at for being overweight. How I reason that today is I'm walking a very different path to what I was pre 21 March, but it's one that will get me healthier, one that I'll love not just my inner self but outer self too. One that I embrace willingly every day. I have no option but to succeed. I don't want to be fat for the rest of my life. I don't want people to judge me or sum me up on my outer appearance only, but the truth is that a great majority of people do. They sum you up by looking at you. Good looking slim people - accepted. Ugly / fat /*____* not so - we have to work harder to prove ourselves. If I want to help other people like me I have to be the product of my success. I have to show everyone that I did it - and I will.
And so I fight another day. It is a fight. I'm fighting for my health. I'm fighting with my mind and desires. Every day is a battle and every day I gain more of the battle ground. There will be a time in the future I'll have won the war.
For now....
Health is Wealth
Treasure it.
I know everyone has their definition of a slob, for me I never considered a fat person to be a slob, but I guess that's because I am fat. I have always taken care of how I present myself to the world - more so because of my weight issue. I'm mindful of the clothes I wear, that I have to make sure I'm groomed and presentable. We all have our bad days for sure but I was and still am extra mindful of that. The comment hurt. I didn't show it. I guess I've gotten so used to pushing those kind of comments (along with stares, gestures and all other things hurtful) to the back of my mind or eating until those feelings were numb. I know I would have turned to food before, as a source of comfort. I've just got to suck it up now - deal with it without running to food. I have endured things like that for as long as I can remember - you don't get used to people being nasty or saying nasty things. Sure sure we all sang "sticks and stones may breal my bones, but words will never hurt me" ... That is a load of bull shit. You can philosophise that words are just words and mean nothing. Let me tell you a truth. Words hurt! Words can cut you down and tear at your soul and make you cry. How do you feel when someone says something horrible about you, something nasty, points and laughs at you? Not very nice!
Yes I've lost weight but I still have a whole heap to go and know that I will still get those words whispered, I'll still get stared at for being overweight. How I reason that today is I'm walking a very different path to what I was pre 21 March, but it's one that will get me healthier, one that I'll love not just my inner self but outer self too. One that I embrace willingly every day. I have no option but to succeed. I don't want to be fat for the rest of my life. I don't want people to judge me or sum me up on my outer appearance only, but the truth is that a great majority of people do. They sum you up by looking at you. Good looking slim people - accepted. Ugly / fat /*____* not so - we have to work harder to prove ourselves. If I want to help other people like me I have to be the product of my success. I have to show everyone that I did it - and I will.
And so I fight another day. It is a fight. I'm fighting for my health. I'm fighting with my mind and desires. Every day is a battle and every day I gain more of the battle ground. There will be a time in the future I'll have won the war.
For now....
Health is Wealth
Treasure it.
Monday, 01 August 2011
Pants to the Ground!
After 4 and a half months of watching every morsal that goes into my mouth I am proud to say that I'm starting to pack away some very fat clothes. I have about 6 pairs of pants (jeans/smart/cargos) and a couple of skirts and shirts that I can no longer wear. Most of these were very tight on me to begin with, so much so that sitting down in one pair of them (my pirate pants) was in danger of poping the zip. I couldn't decide what to wear to a friends' place and pulled on the pirate pants and they were extremely lose and with a little bit of a wiggle... - Pants to the Ground!!!! whooo hooo Even the pants that I couldn't even pull up my thighs at the beginning of this journey are getting a bit too baggy for me. Once they become the 'fat pants' I'm going to have to go do a bit of shopping otherwise I will not have any clothes that I can fit in too.
I'm not complaining!
The cold has been playing havoc with my stomach. I'm definiately a lot more hungry these days and my stomach growls in protest. In order not to be too miserable and then totally lose the plot I will at times have an extra cracker or two with a little bit of cheese. I don't want to get to a mentally unstable place and then pig out on whatever I can get my hands on - so nope still not easy. The routine has become old hat and I know my food measurements off by heart, but the follow through every day is still a bit hard. I still am tempted. I still desire a lekka plate of curry and rice. Every day I choose not too give in. The end result is firmly established in my mind's eye and I desire to succeed much more than my desire to eat.
I'm looking forward to keeping to the plan and seeing how many kgs I will shed this month. I have about 7 or 8 kgs to go before I reach my next goal. It would be awesome to reach that by the close of August, but if not shortly there-after.
I'm happy that I decided on the 21st of March 2011 to change my life. It took one small step, then another, then another, then.....I can look back at those baby steps now and see that they have amounted to a good few huge leaps. I will continue with my baby steps - they are changing my life every day!
Health is Wealth.
I'm not complaining!
The cold has been playing havoc with my stomach. I'm definiately a lot more hungry these days and my stomach growls in protest. In order not to be too miserable and then totally lose the plot I will at times have an extra cracker or two with a little bit of cheese. I don't want to get to a mentally unstable place and then pig out on whatever I can get my hands on - so nope still not easy. The routine has become old hat and I know my food measurements off by heart, but the follow through every day is still a bit hard. I still am tempted. I still desire a lekka plate of curry and rice. Every day I choose not too give in. The end result is firmly established in my mind's eye and I desire to succeed much more than my desire to eat.
I'm looking forward to keeping to the plan and seeing how many kgs I will shed this month. I have about 7 or 8 kgs to go before I reach my next goal. It would be awesome to reach that by the close of August, but if not shortly there-after.
I'm happy that I decided on the 21st of March 2011 to change my life. It took one small step, then another, then another, then.....I can look back at those baby steps now and see that they have amounted to a good few huge leaps. I will continue with my baby steps - they are changing my life every day!
Health is Wealth.
Friday, 29 July 2011
Julismas
I should have written this at the beginning of the week, just after we celebrated Julismas, and if I have written about it - apologies - the cold is freezing my brain cells.
A group of us decided we were going to have a mini christmas in July. We put up the tree and lights. We bought little gifts (from one of those crazy chinese stores - R20 was the budget) Each person bought something to eat and we doned on our christmas hats.
Delimma in the form of food. What do I do? Do I sit out totally and make my own food? Do I partake? If I partake how do I balance it out?
I decided I would partake in the foodies, but in absolute moderation. I had a little bit of pork, a little bit of roast chicken, 1 table spoon of carrots, 1 table spoon cauliflower with a tiny lick of cheese sauce and 2 table spoons potatoe bake - please note these were not heaped spoons. I savored every bite slowly. I didn't have anything else to drink but my water, soda water or strong thermojetics tea. I also refused desert. I was greatly satisfied and though my eyes wanted to eat more, I listend to my tummy - it was satisfied and I was happy. This was a rich meal for me and I payed for it. I battled with cramps that night!!! Come Sunday it was back to the usual usual and life moves on. This little test proves that I can keep my cool around delicious foods and that I don't have to pig out on them. It's a great lesson in self control, I have the power not the food.
Had my now weekly weigh in. I can tell you that I get so nervous, I'm worried somehow t that the numbers on the scale won't move or god forbid go up. I breathed a sigh of relief when I dropped another 1.9kg this week bringing the total to 39.3kg. My viscal fat (stomach fat) also dropped a whole point from 16 to 15. My metabolic age remains high at 50 - working on getting that down to 18 *wink* My body fat dropped too which is fab and less flab. The scale I weigh on sends electronic pulses through your body and thus can give you all sorts of readings, % fat, % water, % muscle, % bone etc and then converts those to kg - FANTASTIC - very 22nd century.
My coastal city has been caught in an icey grip these past few days, snowing a mere 2 hours or less drive from here. Having less blubber, this shriking whale has been freezing! FREEZING MMMMY ASS OFF!!!! I mean that literally - more calories are burnt when your body shivers as it trys to keep warm, sometimes I can prance (using that broadly) around with a short sleeve shirt, my goosebumps visible from space, but most times I'm trying to stay as warm as I possibley can and like I said with 39.3kg less blubber to insulate me I'm putting on layers and go to bed with 2, yes 2 hot water bottles. BUT I hope the weather remains freezing so that I can go and see snow! I'll have to give you an update on that come Monday.
I do feel as this weight moves that my life is shifting. I know for one that I am going to put myself first with certain decisions, in certain areas, so that my goal is fully realised. It is my time now and I have to grab it and use it wisely. I do wonder if this journey will change my life in terms of career or finding a life partner. As I've mentioned I want to help/inspire others to battle their bulge, make it affordable, motivate them, write my book. I do feel a shift in that direction. Once I am the product of my success, beware world, you are my oyster.
I want to add in here - I hate insurance companies - I always feel ripped off somehow and sullied by them. A little off topic but bare with me. My car insurance upped my premium by 14.5 % and then try sell me some shit about why - all said shit is based on presumption - which I duely told them. I shall shop for new car insurance next week. I added that in because even something small like this can lead me down the path to a cheat - yeah believe it or not. Why you ask - simply put: it's linked to emotions. Frustration builds, want to have your fix, remember my preferred drug of choice is FOOD - so lemme grab something fattening and delicious to numb the frustration, except now of course I can't/won't do that. I got to face it and deal with it. Hopefully I will save some money next week.
Uncle Brian Update: He was moved to Hospice on Monday the 25th of July. He can't cope all that well being bed ridden. Think about it, every movement is painful, you're on your back 24/7, you even have to eat lying down, you have to clean yourself and you have to deal with not only a catheta but a stoma bag too and there is no one but your dear old trogen of a mother to help. He was welcomed to hospice, even though he was not on his "deathbed" (that is usually when they take patients in) He was helped into his room and settled in beautifully. The doctors & nurses were absolutely astounded at how my uncle has been treated - it has been disgusting, without dignity, that it makes your heart break. Now my uncle was being treated with care and concern, it truly warms my familys heart to have that kind of treatment for him now. Hospice have taken marvelous care of him. They have increased his morphine to manage the pain better, they feed him 3 healthy meals, they bath him. There are even 2 cats that visit - I love puuurtties (you got to purr as you say that) Very very comforting. He will stay there for at least 2 weeks (we hope) In the meantime we will sort his room out at home and try make it more accommodating to his needs.
I went to go visit him last night. It still breaks my heart because I remember how strong he was. He was a big man, and when I see him skinny, frail and in pain, it hurts in the core of my being. He was in great spirits and we chatted nicely. He again praised me for the weight I lost and said that I would show all those that have spoken nastily about me - and there have been a lot that have been nasty about my weight. Sure point out the obvious - hell it's there for the world to see - but to be nasty and malicious about it - ja that shows the character of a person. He is so proud of me - again, every ounce I have lost is thanks to my uncle, all dedicated to him. Thank you for inspiring me. Thank you for believing in me. Thank you thank you thank you. You have given me the greatest gift.
And so I leave it here. To all a good weekend.
Health is wealth.
A group of us decided we were going to have a mini christmas in July. We put up the tree and lights. We bought little gifts (from one of those crazy chinese stores - R20 was the budget) Each person bought something to eat and we doned on our christmas hats.
Delimma in the form of food. What do I do? Do I sit out totally and make my own food? Do I partake? If I partake how do I balance it out?
I decided I would partake in the foodies, but in absolute moderation. I had a little bit of pork, a little bit of roast chicken, 1 table spoon of carrots, 1 table spoon cauliflower with a tiny lick of cheese sauce and 2 table spoons potatoe bake - please note these were not heaped spoons. I savored every bite slowly. I didn't have anything else to drink but my water, soda water or strong thermojetics tea. I also refused desert. I was greatly satisfied and though my eyes wanted to eat more, I listend to my tummy - it was satisfied and I was happy. This was a rich meal for me and I payed for it. I battled with cramps that night!!! Come Sunday it was back to the usual usual and life moves on. This little test proves that I can keep my cool around delicious foods and that I don't have to pig out on them. It's a great lesson in self control, I have the power not the food.
Had my now weekly weigh in. I can tell you that I get so nervous, I'm worried somehow t that the numbers on the scale won't move or god forbid go up. I breathed a sigh of relief when I dropped another 1.9kg this week bringing the total to 39.3kg. My viscal fat (stomach fat) also dropped a whole point from 16 to 15. My metabolic age remains high at 50 - working on getting that down to 18 *wink* My body fat dropped too which is fab and less flab. The scale I weigh on sends electronic pulses through your body and thus can give you all sorts of readings, % fat, % water, % muscle, % bone etc and then converts those to kg - FANTASTIC - very 22nd century.
My coastal city has been caught in an icey grip these past few days, snowing a mere 2 hours or less drive from here. Having less blubber, this shriking whale has been freezing! FREEZING MMMMY ASS OFF!!!! I mean that literally - more calories are burnt when your body shivers as it trys to keep warm, sometimes I can prance (using that broadly) around with a short sleeve shirt, my goosebumps visible from space, but most times I'm trying to stay as warm as I possibley can and like I said with 39.3kg less blubber to insulate me I'm putting on layers and go to bed with 2, yes 2 hot water bottles. BUT I hope the weather remains freezing so that I can go and see snow! I'll have to give you an update on that come Monday.
I do feel as this weight moves that my life is shifting. I know for one that I am going to put myself first with certain decisions, in certain areas, so that my goal is fully realised. It is my time now and I have to grab it and use it wisely. I do wonder if this journey will change my life in terms of career or finding a life partner. As I've mentioned I want to help/inspire others to battle their bulge, make it affordable, motivate them, write my book. I do feel a shift in that direction. Once I am the product of my success, beware world, you are my oyster.
I want to add in here - I hate insurance companies - I always feel ripped off somehow and sullied by them. A little off topic but bare with me. My car insurance upped my premium by 14.5 % and then try sell me some shit about why - all said shit is based on presumption - which I duely told them. I shall shop for new car insurance next week. I added that in because even something small like this can lead me down the path to a cheat - yeah believe it or not. Why you ask - simply put: it's linked to emotions. Frustration builds, want to have your fix, remember my preferred drug of choice is FOOD - so lemme grab something fattening and delicious to numb the frustration, except now of course I can't/won't do that. I got to face it and deal with it. Hopefully I will save some money next week.
Uncle Brian Update: He was moved to Hospice on Monday the 25th of July. He can't cope all that well being bed ridden. Think about it, every movement is painful, you're on your back 24/7, you even have to eat lying down, you have to clean yourself and you have to deal with not only a catheta but a stoma bag too and there is no one but your dear old trogen of a mother to help. He was welcomed to hospice, even though he was not on his "deathbed" (that is usually when they take patients in) He was helped into his room and settled in beautifully. The doctors & nurses were absolutely astounded at how my uncle has been treated - it has been disgusting, without dignity, that it makes your heart break. Now my uncle was being treated with care and concern, it truly warms my familys heart to have that kind of treatment for him now. Hospice have taken marvelous care of him. They have increased his morphine to manage the pain better, they feed him 3 healthy meals, they bath him. There are even 2 cats that visit - I love puuurtties (you got to purr as you say that) Very very comforting. He will stay there for at least 2 weeks (we hope) In the meantime we will sort his room out at home and try make it more accommodating to his needs.
I went to go visit him last night. It still breaks my heart because I remember how strong he was. He was a big man, and when I see him skinny, frail and in pain, it hurts in the core of my being. He was in great spirits and we chatted nicely. He again praised me for the weight I lost and said that I would show all those that have spoken nastily about me - and there have been a lot that have been nasty about my weight. Sure point out the obvious - hell it's there for the world to see - but to be nasty and malicious about it - ja that shows the character of a person. He is so proud of me - again, every ounce I have lost is thanks to my uncle, all dedicated to him. Thank you for inspiring me. Thank you for believing in me. Thank you thank you thank you. You have given me the greatest gift.
And so I leave it here. To all a good weekend.
Health is wealth.
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