Update....still a bit sad.

I haven't got much to say these days, not because I don't have any emotional turmoil, work stress or diet stress. I just feel pap / deflated / a little stuck perhaps.It's been just over two weeks since my uncle died, whew and que the tears. I haven't properly grieved, perhpas because it hasn't really sunk in yet or no, pehaps because I haven't had a chance to miss him yet.  I know it will happen though.

My granny phoned the other day. She expressed that she was soooo very alone.  Then she got all chocked up and started crying, saying that she misses him already.  It is cricket season in SA (The ozzies are here for ODI) and her and Brian would watch together and boo the Ozzies and shout for their favorite batsmen (Boucher or Kalis) She doesn't have that anymore.  When my granny cries, well I can't help but let the tears fall though I try keep my voice steady and strong.

I know that there will be the firsts - the first christmas without him - fuck (yeah cos that is how I feel and sometimes that is the best word to use!) I can't believe that last christmas was his last and even then he was in so much pain back then.  The first birthdays...ja, no matter how much you prepare for a person's death, you can't and don't fully grasp it until they have died.

My speech at my uncle's funeral:

The very first thing I know Brian would want me to do (this is where I looked down to my gran and cousin and saw them both crying, that got me started and I had to take a deep deep breath, nod my head, dig my heel in and go on)... is thank his mother, Helmar Maxwell.  She has been an absolute trogen and though a little on in years and seemingly frail has shown extreme fortitude during his illness.

Brian had some brilliant good times, there were the hard times too, but he took everything in his stride.  He hussled and bussled his way though life, helping many people along the way, be it financially or providing a place to sleep, everyone knew they could count on Brian Maxwell.

He saw himself as a gentle man and a champion, the best at everything he put his mind too.  Especially on the sports field, which at times was front yard at grans’ place.  Many a world cup was held there between Brian, Cliffy and the boys “Warren, Graham & Mark” along with Jonty, our german shepherd.  Those were awesome days.  Good lessons of sportsmanship were learnt.

It was about a year and half ago that Brian found out he had this serious illness.   It shook to us all and he fought the best he could.  He braved tests, operations and journeys to the hospital that would have undid all of us a long time ago.  His mind remained sharp. Through most of it he had a joke for the nurses, laughed with his family and showed true staying power.

To Mark, Warren, Graham and Kath (this time it was looking at my brother that got me started and again I had to take my time) Brian would want you to know that you are sitting on his shoulders, the shoulders of a champion and that whatever you want to achieve is yours to achieve.

I know he would want me all to wish his family and friends to live their best life…treat people kindly, let those around you know that you love them, be healthy, look after yourself and appreciate the little things in life. ** end **

It may seem I am spending a lot of time writing about this, but know that writing is very therapeutic for me.  This is my journey, a way that I can find healing.  You are still welcome to share in it with me.

I've been saying every day I've got to get back on track with my diet, it's been so hard to focus again.  I know it will come.  I can't fail.

So have a great weekend, love those close to you, be kind and treasure your health.