Over the weekend I went to my grans place to help her with a couple of things. I also got to see the little box (well not so little - but little enough) of ashes. That was all that remained of my uncle, a sealed pine box with ashes. It weighed about 4kg or so. The finality of it. The "this is what is left of him" hit me.
I pondered over his ashes, yes, I hear your thoughts "how very morbid". Let me explain a bit. I was brought up in a faith/belief system that taught when you die, you 'fall asleep' for a period of time and in due course you would be resurrected and re-united with your family and live forever on a paradise earth. This means you never make you peace with death - not really. My reality of death was screwed up from a young age. I broke free of that faith and have had to realign those belief, had to look within to see what made sense. I don't believe I'm going to be resurrected and live on a paradise earth any longer, but I also don't believe in fluffy clouds, a big God on a throne issuing commands to flying subjects - with or without wings. I belive more in the engery essence of things: living or not. We are all made up of energy, engery forms can change but they never die - anyway that is what makes more sense to my heart and mind.
Being faced with my uncle'd mortality and seeing and feeling the body, seeing and feeling the weight of the ashes got me thinking about my own death one day. Who would be there for me, who would wrap things up, get stuff sorted. I'm not married, I have no children and my friends - bless them - but well - I doubt they would do this kind of thing. Half my family is overseas and have their own lives. I know this won't make an ounce of a difference when I'm dead and gone, but it's being alive and thinking about that get's me a little emotional. It's also knowing that we each have to go through this. I know I will bury others - it's not a nice thought.
It's all my experiences in life: tough childhood, work, romance/lack of it, relgion, disappointments, being fat, really good times, just makes me realise how very important it is to LIVE LIFE. Not to just going through the motions of every day - though it's extremely easy to fall into the trap of waking up, going to work, eat, watch tv and sleep - I fall into that trap at times. I am also acutely aware of small things, small joys, simple joys, like having a great cup of coffee, of feeling the sunshine warm my inners and I can't help but smile. My life may not be perfect, I may not be at the weight I want to be right now...but I will get there and yes it's going to mad hard and I will have ups and downs but I will live and I will get there. I may not be as financially free but I will work at my work, do my best, try find other avenues and enjoy that I have work that puts money in the bank, food in my belly, a roof over my head and an op.
We all know the cliche's, we all repeat them often enough, we all know the good advice but how many of us stop, think about it, become aware of what it means and just be so awesomely thankful for a life, for a heart that beats on, for lungs that breathe, for eyes that see, for legs and arms that can move without difficulty. So though I know one day my heart will beat it's last beat, I am going to take my life, my gorgeous beautiful life and live it. I will use my resources, my mind, my love, my whatever I can to make it a good and happy life for me.
Of course I totally want that everybody does the same. We cannot solve the worlds problems - I've made my peace with that (corporations and bottome line will always win out), but we can make better choices, be kinder to one another.
Health is wealth.
No comments:
Post a Comment