A blow!

I came into work after 2 days rest feeling so happy with life, feeling like all that I invision for my weightloss journey will coming to pass, that with lots of saving, help from my mother and father and a loan I'd be able to have the surgery I would need after this weightloss.  I know I will need surgery on my stomach and boobs because of the excess skin.

I decided to be proactive and get various quotes now.

Well the quotes I have received so far have literally floored me, and it's not the surgeons fees it is hospitilasation. R 70 000 - that is not with the surgeons fee of R40 000, the anethitest of R14 000 and the assistant fee of R6000 - grand total is R130 000 - I was hoping for something in the region of R80 000, but bad luck for me.

Let me tell you how this effects me.  I burst into tears.  All the hard work I have put into this whole thing and all the hard work I will have to put into it still will mean nothing.  I will still hate my body, perhaps even more because now it's really going to look ugly and I will have no choice but to live with it.  I'll never want to be intimate with anyone every again because for a woman if you don't feel good about yourself, well that's it, it's not going to happen......If I hate myself still, how do I help and give hope to others.

I'm upset. I can feel bad feelings of being overwhelmed and getting sucked into a black hole arising.

What is the point of continuing trying to lose weight if I'm just going to hate myself anyway at the end of it all.

So that is where I'm at today. My dream shattered.  No way of finding a solution to this because I simply cannot afford it and even with help from my parents can't.  I will have to find a way of just accepting this, making my peace with it and put it aside.  There really is nothing else I can do.

You may wonder why this is effecting me so hugely.  My whole life I have lived for others, my whole life I have put myself far down the list, my whole life or most of it I have been overweight, my whole life I have never ever liked the body I live in - I don't want to live like that anymore.  I want to be fit, slim, healthy and enjoy being in my body, when something like that is taken away by a quote - well there really aren't proper words to describe how I feel, how do you put into words seeing your dreams, aspirations and all that you hoped drift away from you and there is nothing nothing nothing you can do about it.

I guess from today I have to make peace that it's not meant for me.