Slob comment :(

I went to go visit my uncle at the hospice on monday night.  They have upped his morphine to 9ml every 4 hours so most of the time he is zonked - out of it.  He looked at me and said that he was going to tell me something, but only because I've lost weight.  He said before I looked like a slob, people had said that to him.  Shew!!!  That kinda sucker punched me in the gut.

I know everyone has their definition of a slob, for me I never considered a fat person to be a slob, but I guess that's because I am fat.  I have always taken care of how I present myself to the world - more so because of my weight issue.  I'm mindful of the clothes I wear, that I have to make sure I'm groomed and presentable.  We all have our bad days for sure but I was and still am extra mindful of that.  The comment hurt.  I didn't show it.  I guess I've gotten so used to pushing those kind of comments (along with stares, gestures and all other things hurtful) to the back of my mind or eating until those feelings were numb.  I know I would have turned to food before, as a source of comfort.  I've just got to suck  it up now - deal with it without running to food.  I have endured things like that for as long as I can remember - you don't get used to people being nasty or saying nasty things.  Sure sure we all sang "sticks and stones may breal my bones, but words will never hurt me" ... That is a load of bull shit.  You can philosophise that words are just words and mean nothing.  Let me tell you a truth.  Words hurt! Words can cut you down and tear at your soul and make you cry.  How do you feel when someone says something horrible about you, something nasty, points and laughs at you?  Not very nice!

Yes I've lost weight but I still have a whole heap to go and know that I will still get those words whispered, I'll still get stared at for being overweight.  How I reason that today is I'm walking a very different path to what I was pre 21 March, but it's one that will get me healthier, one that I'll love not just my inner self but outer self too.  One that I embrace willingly every day.  I have no option but to succeed.  I don't want to be fat for the rest of my life.  I don't want people to judge me or sum me up on my outer appearance only, but the truth is that a great majority of people do.  They sum you up by looking at you.  Good looking slim people - accepted.  Ugly / fat /*____* not so - we have to work harder to prove ourselves.  If I want to help other people like me I have to be the product of my success.  I have to show everyone that I did it - and I will.

And so I fight another day.  It is a fight.  I'm fighting for my health.  I'm fighting with my mind and desires.  Every day is a battle and every day I gain more of the battle ground.  There will be a time in the future I'll have won the war.

For now....
Health is Wealth
Treasure it.