Verbal Purge Of Note

Jeez, where do I even start........

Rewind to Wednesday evening last week - 2nd November 2011.  I visited my mother, may have had dinner and watched some telly.  Got home at about 10pm, got ready for bed, set the alarm for quite early as I had an important meeting in the morning.

Thursday morning 6 am: I woke up, had a bath, brushed the lint off my black skirt, got dressed, did my makeup and went to grab my bag to leave for work.  7:20am: I couldn't find my handbag and spent the next 10 minutes looking around in frustration.  I wondered if  I had left it at my mother's, but ruled that out as I had my cellphone and I carry that in my bag.  Did I leave it in the car?  Also very odd that I would do that.  Went to grab my car keys on the dresser in my lounge and that is when it hit - my keys (flat, car, gearlock and access buzzer) were gone, along with the spares!!!!!  Grabed the hidden spare to let myself out of the flat, looked at my parking and it was bare!  My car wasn't there.  You'll only know how I felt if you've ever had your car stolen.  Slow shock registered and I automatically phoned my mother - voicemail - phoned my brother and in a semi hysterical voice told my mother my car had gone.  **Cue - gutteral sobbing**  It came from my soul, I let it all out, I cried so hard, and in that moment I cried for my uncle and for myself and the position I found myself in.  Weeks of frustration/tension broke in that dam of tears and ripped from my core.

The freaky thing about this incident is that there was no forced entry!  I then started to doubt myself if I had locked up, or did I leave the keys hanging in front of the door - it drove me crazy.  So I was sleeping and unwelcome people were invading my space and stealing from me.  The enormity of that hit me - I had my life - it could have gone very ugly, horrifically wrong.

My bag with it's contents were taken: purse and some money +/-R200, ID, drivers license, credit/bank/store cards, 2 data sticks containing all my photos and other info (nothing too important), lipstick and perfume.  My original car keys with remote control to the alarm, house key, access buzzer and gearlock taken along with the spare set.  My car!

I phoned my boss and initially was told that it was understandable, but may send a car to pick me up...huh?  Next up, reporting it to the South African Police.  I dialled 10111 at 7:30 am - they rocked up after another 4 or 5 calls about about 9.  They took all my details and told me a detective would be assigned to the case.  I was so relieved it was a competent woman officer!

Next up all the phone calls started.  Cancelling various bank,credit and store cards - getting references.  Phoning my insurance and reporting the car stolen and requesting paperwork - all those phone calls by mobile will push up the phone bill drastically!

The first thing I had to do was make my home as secure as I could again.  Went and bought a new lock for the front door with new keys and my dad changed it there and then, had a mini argument with the super insisting I was not giving anyone a spare key until I moved out.  Shut up all windows, fed Belle, went to the bank to collect a new bank card and order new cards.  Tears would fall from my eyes, I had to just suck it up.

What do I do for a car.....of course I was anxious as now I found myself facing a huge debt - something I really didn't want to do and was looking for the best way to approach this.  Went to a reputable car auction place called Burchmore's.  Found a little TATA with 33 000 on the clock and put down a holding deposit.

2:30pm Met with Detective Z and his partner. Initially I didn't like the look of them as they didn't look like police and I asked for indentification before I let them up to my place.  What they came to detect was very UNclear as they literally walked in, looked at my window, looked at the door and asked me how the theives got in **shrug** I'm no detective - but I still gave my theories 1) came through the window on the portch:  since I'm on the first floor and it's highish up, I leave the window a little open for air, so in the dead of night they could've come with ladders and snuck in that way 2) they had a key to my flat and as my brother proved it's quite easy to slip the chain off if you have slim hands.  Once in it was easy access to my bag and keys.  They detected for about 10 minutes and left.  Later on that day I got a text from the police with my case number *check*

Well I was a mess and though I know these things happen to anybody I couldn't help but ask "why me", "what did I do that this happend to me".  I got a call from a friend to remind me that it was random, I wasn't singled out, it's just a material possession - all true and I totally agreed and still agree, BUT, I wanted to know why.  I am just human after all, and though a decent, pleasant, peace loving, hard working and general nice human being - it happend.....I think the Karma theory needs some work.

I needed to find my VESA certificate for insurance, I had the alarm fitted 9 years ago and knew I had the paperwork and yet no matter how hard and long I looked in my filing consitina, I couldn't find it.  That is when I totally and fabulously cracked....in a horrific scary way.  I clawed at my face and neck and proceeded to punch myself about the head screaming that I was a stupid bitch for losing the paper and that I wouldn't get paid out.  I dug my nails into my thighs, pulled a clump of my hair out and lost it on an epic scale.  I thought the best way out was for me to die.  To leave this world and all it's shit behind.  I didn't deserve this and had done nothing to bring this upon myself...I lost my reasoning mind....I walked into the kitchen and poured myself a full glass of jik kitchen cleaner and wondered if I drank it, would it poison me enough to die. I took one gulp, closed my eyes against the rising vomit as it hit my stomach.  It was disgusting! I could feel my lips and the back of my tongue go numb.  Nope I couldn't drink it all and poured it back into the bottle.  That is how desperate I felt in that moment.

Thursday night:  I couldn't sleep even though I had taken some tranquilisers/calmets to help me relax and a sleeping pill. I laid on the couch with Esther ( my mom's preggie sausage dog ), my hand rubbing her bulging tummy (very comforting feeling) and just thinking and staring and thinking and zoning out.  Eventually I got some sleep.

Friday:  I got a phone call from a guy named George: He had found my car in Illovo Township, down southcoast way.  He went over the car and by the sound of it there was no significant damage.  Relief! At least now I didn't have to get into debt for a car.  I phoned the detective at 8:30 am and told him the news, I asked him to contact the civilian and organise to go collect the car.  As far as I know that Detective Z still hasn't called George.  I made sure though that I phoned the police station where the case had been opened up. George and his mate drove the car right through to my local police station becuase of the bad reputation of Toti station and the Isipigo Pound (yes the cops are corrupt too and once your car is in the pound can get stripped and you'll be lucky to see your car again).  I sat at the police station for nearly 5 hours.  Detective Z was no longer on the case and I had Detective UMG.  Detective UMG didn't know a thing about the case. I spoke to 3 other Detectives, 1 lieutenant, 2 Captains and had the number of the Major in charge of the detectives and had to threaten to phone him and make a case against Detective UMG before UMG showed up.  No fingerprints were taken as the civilians had compromised the evidence, not that it would have helped much.  Eventually I had to drive my car all the way to Isipingo so that they could check that the engine and chassy hadn't been tampered with.  5 min and that was done, and another drive back to the berea police station to do the hand over, write the statement and sign off.  Detective UMG didn't know what paper work needed filling in and had to repeatedly call on other officers.  Once it was all done, he got up and walked out the office, leaving me and all the paperwork.  I thought he had gone to get something.  30 mins passed and I was still sitting waiting.  Went to the officers working and asked where Detective UMG was.  They phoned him - he had walked out the room, forgotten about me and the papers and driven off.

Though a hellishly long day - I got my car!

Everything still felt like too much effort!  I now had to phone the insurance people and change the claim from stolen to putting in a claim. Had to get 3 various quotes etc.  My excess is R2500.  After phoning around it was clear that I could get it done for about R1700 - by it I mean, changing the locks, remote, wiring, alarm and windown.  So I opted for that and have reported to the insurance company that I would fix the car up.  This saves a claim and my insurance from going up.

The weekend was a daze of anxiety, sleeping pills and just trying to keep my mind quiet.  In all of this I wouldn't have made it through without my mother.  She has been so absolutely amazing.  Helped with insurance, with taking charge when I crumbled or couldn't make a decision.  She really was my rock!

I was relieved that this hiccup though bad and freaky was done. I could move my stuff out asap and get on with living.  No, no, no, life seemed to think I haven't had enough shit and piled another huge pile on me when I walked into the office.  Work, well put it mildly - is not going well again.  I am more than 2 weeks behind in my contracts, I cannot send out rates, I cannot give quotes, I cannot actually do the job I am paid to do, I cannot make a move until the bigger powers let me.  Plus they want to touch my money - I'll do anything anyone wants me too, just don't mess around with my salary, especially if it's going to impact me negatively!  I've shed a few tears today and the anxiety has reared it's head again and though I tell myself to cross the bridge when I get to it, that worry sits at the back of my mind.

To top it off - the cat lady hasn't paid me anything except R200.  I'm still owed R2245 from that episode.  Looks like I will have to start small claims court proceedings.  I've given her 7 days to pay me out.

I made the decsion to move out of my flat so that I could become financially free and healthy, yet since that decision things have not gone that way. Yeah, I don't feel good about myself.  I'm finding it hard to see the light at the end of the road. I feel lost, I feel betrayed, I feel sad.  I know all of these things just effect the ego and the true I cannot suffer anything, but the ego mind, well it is warring a bit and I am trying to surrender, but finding it so hard to do so.  I feel like if I surrender I die.  Perhaps that is what is actually needed.  I do need to die and when I say *I* I'm talking about the ego *I*.

This body of mine is tired.  My head is sore. My heart is heavy.  I'm looking for the light but right now all I see and feel is darkness enveloping me, suffocating me.  I need to remind myself to breathe.