I see it and I feel it! Honestly a few weeks back I wanted to end my life on this earth. I felt like I couldn't bare another day, another hurt, another blow. I was at my lowest that I have ever been in my 35 + years on this planet. Even when I left my religion and family of 30 years - it wasn't as bad as recent events.
Hindsight is a marvelous thing. Human determination and courage is another, more specifically (without tooting my own horn) my courage and determination! It is a monstorous task to haul oneself out of the mire when you are neck deep and no one is sight to lasoo you out. There were times I wanted to given in and put my head under, but there was something in me that wouldn't quit. It was that essense of something greater than mere flesh, greater than our little minds can comprehend - the divine. It was aware and watchful and let my egoic mind war with itself. When I surrended to that quite place, THAT is when peace filled the void and anshakeable resolution to 'get right'!
I'm definitely in a much better place. I"M BACK ON DIET!!! BACK to eating HEALTHY, NUTRITIOUS meals. I'm happy with that decision. I had let myself go while wallowing in pity and eaten whatever I wanted to numb what I was feeling, all it did was put on a bit of weight and make me hate myself even more. I take comfort knowing that it hasn't taken me 5 years to get back on track. Got it down to 2 months!
I'm also going to be trying something a little different. I'm going to do vegan one day and then a bit of animal protein the next. I watched an amazing doccie called Forks over Knives and it details the effect animal products and general crap have on the human body and how in fact it encourages cancer growth and heart attacks and strokes. It made my heart sore. I saw the pits my uncle had fallen into, the food myths we all believe as it's been drummed into us from young. Meat for protein, milk for calcium etc. As with anything, changing the mindset is difficult and initally we want to go against it. Trust me I know all about hitting my head. So I'm embracing this new information and will be incorporating more protein rich beans/lentils into my diet and see how that goes for me. I do still have chicken in my freeze and will use that up (thus the one day vegan one day very lean animal product) I do still have that goal of being fit and healthy and baby I'm back! It feels so wonderful to be in control again.
The lunch I had today was brown lentils, that had been boiled with a bit of salt, garlic and curry powder. Boiled to perfection. I had that with some chopped up cherry tomatoes, mushrooms and red chilli. Mixed all together - delicious. Tonight's dinner is going to be 35g dry soy mince - soaked (when soaked the soy mince triples in it's weight) I'm going to curry the soy mince and add a bit of garlic and ginger! Seasoning is very important with soy products. I'll be eating that with a bit of braised cabbage and onion. Don't turn your noses up - it's not half bad.....well I hope not :)
Another aspect that is now more in my control - my job. I mentioned I resigned, I'm greatly looking forward to leaving the old behind me and to take on new challenges. I'm so confident that I'm going to succeed that I'm munching at the bit to get out there and enjoy my new career with new people that want to see me succeed! Viva Braby's Creative. I know that even though I'm initially going to be earning less, I'm going to be much much happier and that already is fantastic.
Still do have a couple of things that need sorting out. My car needs a good check up. It hasn't been the same since it was stolen. It will get sorted.
I can feel myself starting to smile from the inside again - for me that is a good measure on how I am doing. I'm looking forward to my last day, I'm looking forward to hanging out with a great mate that is coming to visit. Starting to look forward to christmas.
To those that are going through hard times and I know there are those out there - be it financial, relationship, religion, personal, whatever really......hang in there, reach out to those around you and let them know that you are in fact not okay - be truthful about that. Find one little thing that can make you smile a little - mine was preggie Esther - she knew something was up and would sleep with me and let me rub her little tummy and love her. Hang in there. We are all stronger than we know - I know that now. I made it and so can you.
Be well.
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