My lord! The last few days have been extremely blue for me. After my mental breakdown on Thursday, my weekend didn't improve all that much. I had taken Friday off to spend with my brother and that went pearshaped. I went home and slept. Stayed at home that night and was blue - I did however stick to my eating plan. It's like I've got to start all over again - 3 weeks/21 days. I'll do it! I have too. I've said many times, I don't want any other regrets.
Saturday was alright, got to spend it with some mates and they did lift my spirits. Sunday, spent it cleaning up my little home and my uncle. Had another afternoon sleep and then watched TV.
My thoughts have been depressed, I've been down and gloomy. Trying to figure it all out. Trying to break it down and figure out why there are times I feel empty and alone. It's not that I'm missing God in my life ( I believe in God and continually strive for a healthy relationship) It's not that I want financial riches - sure that would be nice but my happiness doesn't depend on it. It's not material things - I'm happy with my belongings. It's not a man - I'm happy without one and don't believe ones' happiness is dependent on another individual. So what is it....? I'm bored!!!!!!!! With Life!!!!! At the moment there is nothing that excites me, moves me. And it's not about taking up a new hobby. I need a huge change, and I know losing this weight is part of it, I feel like I'm on hold, in limbo and it's horrible. I know I don't want to stay in the industry I currently am in, but in saying that I know I have to lose the weight before going out and finding something else.
I also need to be more aware of my thoughts, how those thoughts can turn into reality. That is where it all starts isn't it - with a thought. I need to keep focused and live in the now. If I can master that I should be able to turn my thoughts from cheating. It's not about the food at the end of the day. I think anyone trying to give up or let go of a vice realises at some time it's not about that specific vise.
As I carve out my new reality I will have highs and lows. In this case a very low low, but out of the ashes a phoenix will arise and take flight. Out of struggle and suffering, greatness can immerge.
I'll hang on even if my fingernails. I will succeed.
Health is wealth!
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