The Craziness of Thursday 7 July.

Last week Thursday I had a total mental breakdown, my demons rose up big and strong and I felt so extremely overwhelmed and out of control.  I didn't have access to my blog so went on face book and "vomited" my words onto my little cellphone....

I may be having a mental breakdown. I vowed to be honest with my weight loss journey and so far I have been.

Tonight, I deliberately sabataged (spelling) myself and it has pushed my mental stability to the brink. I was baking muffins and made chocolate ganache. Iced all the muffins and I went ahead and finished (as in ate) the ganache like a disgusting pig. I tried to stop but I couldn't, I couldn't. I asked out loud what I was doing and tired reasoning this thing out! It didn't work. I was and still am flooded with feelings of disgust, remorse, failure!  I then went for the cheese, I wanted to just eat it all up, out of disgust I threw it away from me, sobbing like a little kid.

I feel so overwhelmed again and that I've fallen to the very bottom of my dirty pit! God, I've failed my dying uncle, I've failed myself. I can't even physically purge it out of my system, so I have to purge it out on the mental field or using my words.

I felt and still can feel the crazyness, it wants to totally envelope me. I've been literally sobbing for 2 hours, I've called myself every disgusting name under the sun, I even slapped myself, I want to hurt myself physically to help ease this pain I feel inside.

Like I said, the crazy is lurking, and it's taking every ounce of my soul to keep somewhat sane. Why? Why did I do it? I don't know, really. I didn't even want the chocolate. Perhaps under all these layers I still believe I'll fail.Perhaps I still don't believe I deserve this, or that I'm not worth it. I'm still shaking, the dry sobs, pathetic I know. It's not even that time of the month.

God help me because right now I've got nothing. Whatever has come before this now means absolutely nothing. I have to start from day one again. Going to have to find that resolve again. I'm scared, terrified my resolve has snapped. All I have now, in the very moment I write this are my words and the vow of honesty I made.