I should have written this at the beginning of the week, just after we celebrated Julismas, and if I have written about it - apologies - the cold is freezing my brain cells.
A group of us decided we were going to have a mini christmas in July. We put up the tree and lights. We bought little gifts (from one of those crazy chinese stores - R20 was the budget) Each person bought something to eat and we doned on our christmas hats.
Delimma in the form of food. What do I do? Do I sit out totally and make my own food? Do I partake? If I partake how do I balance it out?
I decided I would partake in the foodies, but in absolute moderation. I had a little bit of pork, a little bit of roast chicken, 1 table spoon of carrots, 1 table spoon cauliflower with a tiny lick of cheese sauce and 2 table spoons potatoe bake - please note these were not heaped spoons. I savored every bite slowly. I didn't have anything else to drink but my water, soda water or strong thermojetics tea. I also refused desert. I was greatly satisfied and though my eyes wanted to eat more, I listend to my tummy - it was satisfied and I was happy. This was a rich meal for me and I payed for it. I battled with cramps that night!!! Come Sunday it was back to the usual usual and life moves on. This little test proves that I can keep my cool around delicious foods and that I don't have to pig out on them. It's a great lesson in self control, I have the power not the food.
Had my now weekly weigh in. I can tell you that I get so nervous, I'm worried somehow t that the numbers on the scale won't move or god forbid go up. I breathed a sigh of relief when I dropped another 1.9kg this week bringing the total to 39.3kg. My viscal fat (stomach fat) also dropped a whole point from 16 to 15. My metabolic age remains high at 50 - working on getting that down to 18 *wink* My body fat dropped too which is fab and less flab. The scale I weigh on sends electronic pulses through your body and thus can give you all sorts of readings, % fat, % water, % muscle, % bone etc and then converts those to kg - FANTASTIC - very 22nd century.
My coastal city has been caught in an icey grip these past few days, snowing a mere 2 hours or less drive from here. Having less blubber, this shriking whale has been freezing! FREEZING MMMMY ASS OFF!!!! I mean that literally - more calories are burnt when your body shivers as it trys to keep warm, sometimes I can prance (using that broadly) around with a short sleeve shirt, my goosebumps visible from space, but most times I'm trying to stay as warm as I possibley can and like I said with 39.3kg less blubber to insulate me I'm putting on layers and go to bed with 2, yes 2 hot water bottles. BUT I hope the weather remains freezing so that I can go and see snow! I'll have to give you an update on that come Monday.
I do feel as this weight moves that my life is shifting. I know for one that I am going to put myself first with certain decisions, in certain areas, so that my goal is fully realised. It is my time now and I have to grab it and use it wisely. I do wonder if this journey will change my life in terms of career or finding a life partner. As I've mentioned I want to help/inspire others to battle their bulge, make it affordable, motivate them, write my book. I do feel a shift in that direction. Once I am the product of my success, beware world, you are my oyster.
I want to add in here - I hate insurance companies - I always feel ripped off somehow and sullied by them. A little off topic but bare with me. My car insurance upped my premium by 14.5 % and then try sell me some shit about why - all said shit is based on presumption - which I duely told them. I shall shop for new car insurance next week. I added that in because even something small like this can lead me down the path to a cheat - yeah believe it or not. Why you ask - simply put: it's linked to emotions. Frustration builds, want to have your fix, remember my preferred drug of choice is FOOD - so lemme grab something fattening and delicious to numb the frustration, except now of course I can't/won't do that. I got to face it and deal with it. Hopefully I will save some money next week.
Uncle Brian Update: He was moved to Hospice on Monday the 25th of July. He can't cope all that well being bed ridden. Think about it, every movement is painful, you're on your back 24/7, you even have to eat lying down, you have to clean yourself and you have to deal with not only a catheta but a stoma bag too and there is no one but your dear old trogen of a mother to help. He was welcomed to hospice, even though he was not on his "deathbed" (that is usually when they take patients in) He was helped into his room and settled in beautifully. The doctors & nurses were absolutely astounded at how my uncle has been treated - it has been disgusting, without dignity, that it makes your heart break. Now my uncle was being treated with care and concern, it truly warms my familys heart to have that kind of treatment for him now. Hospice have taken marvelous care of him. They have increased his morphine to manage the pain better, they feed him 3 healthy meals, they bath him. There are even 2 cats that visit - I love puuurtties (you got to purr as you say that) Very very comforting. He will stay there for at least 2 weeks (we hope) In the meantime we will sort his room out at home and try make it more accommodating to his needs.
I went to go visit him last night. It still breaks my heart because I remember how strong he was. He was a big man, and when I see him skinny, frail and in pain, it hurts in the core of my being. He was in great spirits and we chatted nicely. He again praised me for the weight I lost and said that I would show all those that have spoken nastily about me - and there have been a lot that have been nasty about my weight. Sure point out the obvious - hell it's there for the world to see - but to be nasty and malicious about it - ja that shows the character of a person. He is so proud of me - again, every ounce I have lost is thanks to my uncle, all dedicated to him. Thank you for inspiring me. Thank you for believing in me. Thank you thank you thank you. You have given me the greatest gift.
And so I leave it here. To all a good weekend.
Health is wealth.
Friday, 29 July 2011
Wednesday, 27 July 2011
Excuses, excuses.
There are so many diets on the market today. Many promise fabulous results without exercising or cutting out the bad foods. Stay clear of those - if they sound that good, you know that they are marketing to the gullible and rather just avoid buying into those products - they are out to make a quick buck off us that really are desperate to lose weight.
If you are desperate to lose weight you have to get honest with yourself. There is no easy way out. You have to cut back, you have to make much healthier choices and you will have to say no to a number of things. There are diets that are easier going and have a system that if you want to lose x amout, you follow plan A, B, C, D etc. Remember though that if you want to see huge results you'll have to go for the strictist of those choices. You cannot choose a plan designed to lose 0.5kg and expect more than that - you will be disappointed, disapointment leads to be being discouraged which leads to you falling off your plan.
That is why I chose the plan I'm on. I have a lot to lose and I WANT TO SEE THOSE RESULTS, thus the very strict plan. Many fat/overweight/obese people say "I can't do that, it's too strict" or "that is too little food and doesn't sound very healthy". All I hear are excuses. Sure, sure, I understand that right now they may not be in a place to tackle something like this, because it is a huge step and requires will of steal. I also understand that as they say that they don't hear it as an excuse, they hear it as a ligitimate argument. I'm begging those peeps to give it a one or two week try. If you don't like the results on the scale - move on. I wish I had someone to push and push me 10 years ago so that I could have beaten the battle of the bulge then.
Another excuse: I love my food! Yeah, so do I. I love eating it, I love cooking it and sharing it. THAT is why I am overweight, because I didn't work off what I ate or I had too much of the bad foods too often and now the bulge. What you have to do now is LOVE YOURSELF ENOUGH to give up those unhealthy oily foods. Very few people can eat what they like without putting on weight. If you are fat/overweight/obese you can't eat what you like and your love of food is going to kill you. So, love yourself enough to make a change. Love yourself enough to put yourself first and battle the bulge. Love yourself enough not to give up. Love yourself enough to stop the excuses and go for it.
I know that diets/plans and joining challenges or gyms can be expensive. When I am done I seriously want to inspire others to lose their weight and not rip them off. You don't need special pills or foods to be successful, you just need to know the right food combos. Gyms are so expensive/ trainers even more so, once I know the basics I want to help on the exercise side of it too. I know the basics, but want to increase my knowledge so that I can pass that on and share with those that want to become trimmer and healthier. I want to be able to offer a whole package - and I would be the proof that the package worked. You will know that I have gone before you and succeeded.
So for those of you that need that lil oomph or push in the right direction, start making healthier choices today. I started with the decision to tackle my weight 18 weeks ago - 4 and half months, and I'm down nearly 40kgs for it. WOW!!
Health is wealth
If you are desperate to lose weight you have to get honest with yourself. There is no easy way out. You have to cut back, you have to make much healthier choices and you will have to say no to a number of things. There are diets that are easier going and have a system that if you want to lose x amout, you follow plan A, B, C, D etc. Remember though that if you want to see huge results you'll have to go for the strictist of those choices. You cannot choose a plan designed to lose 0.5kg and expect more than that - you will be disappointed, disapointment leads to be being discouraged which leads to you falling off your plan.
That is why I chose the plan I'm on. I have a lot to lose and I WANT TO SEE THOSE RESULTS, thus the very strict plan. Many fat/overweight/obese people say "I can't do that, it's too strict" or "that is too little food and doesn't sound very healthy". All I hear are excuses. Sure, sure, I understand that right now they may not be in a place to tackle something like this, because it is a huge step and requires will of steal. I also understand that as they say that they don't hear it as an excuse, they hear it as a ligitimate argument. I'm begging those peeps to give it a one or two week try. If you don't like the results on the scale - move on. I wish I had someone to push and push me 10 years ago so that I could have beaten the battle of the bulge then.
Another excuse: I love my food! Yeah, so do I. I love eating it, I love cooking it and sharing it. THAT is why I am overweight, because I didn't work off what I ate or I had too much of the bad foods too often and now the bulge. What you have to do now is LOVE YOURSELF ENOUGH to give up those unhealthy oily foods. Very few people can eat what they like without putting on weight. If you are fat/overweight/obese you can't eat what you like and your love of food is going to kill you. So, love yourself enough to make a change. Love yourself enough to put yourself first and battle the bulge. Love yourself enough not to give up. Love yourself enough to stop the excuses and go for it.
I know that diets/plans and joining challenges or gyms can be expensive. When I am done I seriously want to inspire others to lose their weight and not rip them off. You don't need special pills or foods to be successful, you just need to know the right food combos. Gyms are so expensive/ trainers even more so, once I know the basics I want to help on the exercise side of it too. I know the basics, but want to increase my knowledge so that I can pass that on and share with those that want to become trimmer and healthier. I want to be able to offer a whole package - and I would be the proof that the package worked. You will know that I have gone before you and succeeded.
So for those of you that need that lil oomph or push in the right direction, start making healthier choices today. I started with the decision to tackle my weight 18 weeks ago - 4 and half months, and I'm down nearly 40kgs for it. WOW!!
Health is wealth
Friday, 22 July 2011
Goosebumps.
On my way home from work yesturday, I gave a motivational speech out loud to an imaginary crowd of people that needed to lose weight. I spoke about my struggles, the ups and downs and the fact that all of us in the room could relate. I had been there. Okay, I know that sounds a little looney but we've already established I'm not all that sane after all, so speaking to an imaginary crowd and picturing myself at my goal is so very normal for me.
The thing is - my speech gave me goosebumps, becuase as I was speaking I almost felt like it would be my future 'now', like I would one day be standing up and saying those words. I really do want to help people. I really want to motivate and inspire people to lose weight.
I've lost 37 kgs, suddenly I don't feel so overwhelmed, I mean I do still have a lot to go....but I feel like my goals are within reach and I will get there and that it's not too far off. That thought gave me goosebumps on goosebumps and I actually whoooped out loud and laughed. I know I'm going to get there, I believe in myself like I have never beleived in myself before. I know I've had some crazy moments but I can say right now I'm happier than I've been in a long time.
It is still not easy. Again last night - a thursday night nogal!!!! I had a desire to eat and eat. I was up till quite late so I got hungry. This time I wasn't going to let myself drive myself mad, so cut paper thin slices of cheese, 1 gerkin and stuck it on a cracker and consumed it very slowly. I do not consider this a cheat, as I am supposed to eat every 5 hours. I've just got to be aware about what I put into my mouth..
So many small things that are usually taken for granted by normal people fascinate me. My boobs are sticking out more because the fat tyre underneath is getting smaller. The feel of loose pants around my legs. I can wear a cancer band now, cos it fits and isn't squishing my wrist. I can fit a bit more comfortably and easier into one of those horrible devil white/green plastic chairs - those garden varieties - hated them for many many years!
More and more people I know are NOTICING I've shed weight.
This is a journey that I'm happy and willing to take. Each step is in the right direction and takes me closer to my goal. I'm keen to turn the next page :)
Health is wealth! It truly is!
The thing is - my speech gave me goosebumps, becuase as I was speaking I almost felt like it would be my future 'now', like I would one day be standing up and saying those words. I really do want to help people. I really want to motivate and inspire people to lose weight.
I've lost 37 kgs, suddenly I don't feel so overwhelmed, I mean I do still have a lot to go....but I feel like my goals are within reach and I will get there and that it's not too far off. That thought gave me goosebumps on goosebumps and I actually whoooped out loud and laughed. I know I'm going to get there, I believe in myself like I have never beleived in myself before. I know I've had some crazy moments but I can say right now I'm happier than I've been in a long time.
It is still not easy. Again last night - a thursday night nogal!!!! I had a desire to eat and eat. I was up till quite late so I got hungry. This time I wasn't going to let myself drive myself mad, so cut paper thin slices of cheese, 1 gerkin and stuck it on a cracker and consumed it very slowly. I do not consider this a cheat, as I am supposed to eat every 5 hours. I've just got to be aware about what I put into my mouth..
So many small things that are usually taken for granted by normal people fascinate me. My boobs are sticking out more because the fat tyre underneath is getting smaller. The feel of loose pants around my legs. I can wear a cancer band now, cos it fits and isn't squishing my wrist. I can fit a bit more comfortably and easier into one of those horrible devil white/green plastic chairs - those garden varieties - hated them for many many years!
More and more people I know are NOTICING I've shed weight.
This is a journey that I'm happy and willing to take. Each step is in the right direction and takes me closer to my goal. I'm keen to turn the next page :)
Health is wealth! It truly is!
Thursday, 14 July 2011
It's not about how fast I get there....35kg's on.
I'm not a huge Miley Cyrus fan - she's got a couple of good tunes, but we all have our taste in music. There is one song however that resonates with me. The Climb - here are the lyrics: I can almost see it, that dream I'm dreaming. But there's a voice inside my head saying "You'll never reach it". Every step I'm taking, Every move I make feels lost with no direction. My faith is shaking. But I gotto keep trying, gotto keep my head held high. There's always gonna be another mountain, I'm always gonna wanna make it move. Always gonna be an uphill battle, Sometimes I"m gonna have to lose. Aint about how fast I get there, aint' about whats waiting on the other side, It's the climb! The struggles I'm facing, The chances I'm taking, sometimes might knock me down, but no, I'm not breaking. I may not know it, but these are the moments that, I'm going to remember most - yeah, Just got to keep going. And I - I got to be strong, Just keep pushing on.(chorus x2 and sing it like you mean it) Keep on moving, Keep on climbing, Keep the faith - baby, It's all about it's all about the climb. Keep the faith, Keep your faith - whoa :)
That is what my journey is about. I'm climbing up my moutain, I'm going to face trials and tribulations, I might fall and hurt myself, but I got to keep on going, got to dust myself off, pick myself up and move forward. I am learning so much about myself: things that trigger my emotions, the crazy in me, the strength I have, the person that I'm evolving into, the determination I have. This is my journey, my life - I'm climbing all the way to the top and I know the view is going to take my breath away.
That being said, I can officially tell you I have lost 35kg's. Yup! I have a whole lot of little "weight" goals set and I have reached a couple of them so far. 4 months ago I started at my heaviest weight ever (still under wraps for now) The first goal was to reach what I was when I came back from London in 2005, the second was to reach my weight of when I fiiiiiiiiiiiiirst did Dr. Cohen. I have reached both of these. The third goal is to get to the same weight I was when I lost my 20 kgs' on the diet all those years ago. That is 11kg's away. The goal after that is to be the same weight when I was in matric and then std 8 - then I'm in virgin territory :) So the climb continues.
I don't know that I'll lose another 35kgs in the next 4 months but I will definitely be striving towards that goal. I won't recognise myself - that's kinda cool though.
I'm definitely feeling a hellofa lot better, more stable, more positive and happier.
Oh yes, last night I joined a Weight Loss Challenge group. You weigh and measure every week. The number is still not important to me but I think it'll be good to have a record - I'll be able to use that information later on to inspire others, that they too can lose any amount of weight if they put the mind, heart and soul into it.
Health is wealth.
That is what my journey is about. I'm climbing up my moutain, I'm going to face trials and tribulations, I might fall and hurt myself, but I got to keep on going, got to dust myself off, pick myself up and move forward. I am learning so much about myself: things that trigger my emotions, the crazy in me, the strength I have, the person that I'm evolving into, the determination I have. This is my journey, my life - I'm climbing all the way to the top and I know the view is going to take my breath away.
That being said, I can officially tell you I have lost 35kg's. Yup! I have a whole lot of little "weight" goals set and I have reached a couple of them so far. 4 months ago I started at my heaviest weight ever (still under wraps for now) The first goal was to reach what I was when I came back from London in 2005, the second was to reach my weight of when I fiiiiiiiiiiiiirst did Dr. Cohen. I have reached both of these. The third goal is to get to the same weight I was when I lost my 20 kgs' on the diet all those years ago. That is 11kg's away. The goal after that is to be the same weight when I was in matric and then std 8 - then I'm in virgin territory :) So the climb continues.
I don't know that I'll lose another 35kgs in the next 4 months but I will definitely be striving towards that goal. I won't recognise myself - that's kinda cool though.
I'm definitely feeling a hellofa lot better, more stable, more positive and happier.
Oh yes, last night I joined a Weight Loss Challenge group. You weigh and measure every week. The number is still not important to me but I think it'll be good to have a record - I'll be able to use that information later on to inspire others, that they too can lose any amount of weight if they put the mind, heart and soul into it.
Health is wealth.
Wednesday, 13 July 2011
Panties!
Perhaps I shouldn't be airing out the unmentionables online and with y'll BUT when they are the small ones that you've never worn because you couldn't pull them up your thighs when you first bought them.....why not. So that was one good start to my day. I can actually start wearing stuff that has never fitted before. Does give me the motivation to continue on my quest. Besides I have smaller ones to get into.
It's been one hellofa emotional week. I literally had to set myself 4 small goals on Monday and made sure that I addressed the whole 4 of them and then literally and emphatically ticked each one 'em off - the proof is on my calenda pad - each goal got two big ticks. Accomplished! My mind could rest and I move onto something else. Sometimes that is what I have to do - especially after a mental splat (picture one of them paint splats, because that is how I felt - in a midnight blue) Set small goals, accomplish them, tick them off, move on.
Wednesdays - always have been and hopefully always will continue to be a great day for me. In the past I used to start a diet on a Wednesday, it's mid week, closer to the weekend and just a good day. It was another good day today. Got quite a bit done in the office - check. Got back money from SARS - check cheque ka-ching!! Paid out half the money from SARS into credit card - check. Booked movie tickets to watch Harry Potter - Deathly Hallows Part 2 - check. Healthy bank balance - check. PLUS I had my monthly pedicure.
Pedicures are pure heaven for me. I love having my feet exfoliated, massaged and then toenail polish applied. It is my little indulgence - rather that than hit the chocolate gnache again. I am over the episode and can now look back to last Thursday and have a little chuckle - oh the craziness that is me. Even without analysing this or that, my journey is entertaining. I'm amazed at little things that I've forgotten that will surface and prick me, how small demons arise to be huge towering giants that scare the bejesus out of me, the highs that make me feel I'm walking on air, the compliments, the self awareness, the lows. Life - is amazing.
My uncle always says it's the small little things that make life so beautiful. He is so right! The free things: looking at delicate flowers, hugging an imovable tree, listening to a giggling brook, warming yourself in the winter sun, laughing with mates, philosophysing over a hubbly, singing out of tune in the shower. All those cost nothing or very very little and us humans at the heart of it all are happy. My uncle had one decent day and since then has gone downhill. He also had a "friend" steal from him, the chap that was helping him out 3 days a week, stole from my helpless uncle! #*@!*#@! Disgusting! Steal from my uncle, you're stealing from me and I'll deal with him when I come across him again.
My uncle is honest with me - he can't take this pain much longer, he doesn't want to endure greater pain. I urge him to hold on, to not do anything stupid until my cousins come from the UK to visit him. I know he wants to see them - perhaps for the last time. It gives him something to fight for. The champion in him is fighting with every ounce of little strength he has. He tells me he feels the end is close. At that time it's very difficult to maintain my composure, that is when I just want to put my head down and cry. I'll ask how he feels on the inside or tell him that after he eats he'll feel better.
For now we continue on the path of healthy eating. My mind is right, my resolve is there and I walk the talk.
Health is wealth!
It's been one hellofa emotional week. I literally had to set myself 4 small goals on Monday and made sure that I addressed the whole 4 of them and then literally and emphatically ticked each one 'em off - the proof is on my calenda pad - each goal got two big ticks. Accomplished! My mind could rest and I move onto something else. Sometimes that is what I have to do - especially after a mental splat (picture one of them paint splats, because that is how I felt - in a midnight blue) Set small goals, accomplish them, tick them off, move on.
Wednesdays - always have been and hopefully always will continue to be a great day for me. In the past I used to start a diet on a Wednesday, it's mid week, closer to the weekend and just a good day. It was another good day today. Got quite a bit done in the office - check. Got back money from SARS - check cheque ka-ching!! Paid out half the money from SARS into credit card - check. Booked movie tickets to watch Harry Potter - Deathly Hallows Part 2 - check. Healthy bank balance - check. PLUS I had my monthly pedicure.
Pedicures are pure heaven for me. I love having my feet exfoliated, massaged and then toenail polish applied. It is my little indulgence - rather that than hit the chocolate gnache again. I am over the episode and can now look back to last Thursday and have a little chuckle - oh the craziness that is me. Even without analysing this or that, my journey is entertaining. I'm amazed at little things that I've forgotten that will surface and prick me, how small demons arise to be huge towering giants that scare the bejesus out of me, the highs that make me feel I'm walking on air, the compliments, the self awareness, the lows. Life - is amazing.
My uncle always says it's the small little things that make life so beautiful. He is so right! The free things: looking at delicate flowers, hugging an imovable tree, listening to a giggling brook, warming yourself in the winter sun, laughing with mates, philosophysing over a hubbly, singing out of tune in the shower. All those cost nothing or very very little and us humans at the heart of it all are happy. My uncle had one decent day and since then has gone downhill. He also had a "friend" steal from him, the chap that was helping him out 3 days a week, stole from my helpless uncle! #*@!*#@! Disgusting! Steal from my uncle, you're stealing from me and I'll deal with him when I come across him again.
My uncle is honest with me - he can't take this pain much longer, he doesn't want to endure greater pain. I urge him to hold on, to not do anything stupid until my cousins come from the UK to visit him. I know he wants to see them - perhaps for the last time. It gives him something to fight for. The champion in him is fighting with every ounce of little strength he has. He tells me he feels the end is close. At that time it's very difficult to maintain my composure, that is when I just want to put my head down and cry. I'll ask how he feels on the inside or tell him that after he eats he'll feel better.
For now we continue on the path of healthy eating. My mind is right, my resolve is there and I walk the talk.
Health is wealth!
Monday, 11 July 2011
Let me sing the blues.
My lord! The last few days have been extremely blue for me. After my mental breakdown on Thursday, my weekend didn't improve all that much. I had taken Friday off to spend with my brother and that went pearshaped. I went home and slept. Stayed at home that night and was blue - I did however stick to my eating plan. It's like I've got to start all over again - 3 weeks/21 days. I'll do it! I have too. I've said many times, I don't want any other regrets.
Saturday was alright, got to spend it with some mates and they did lift my spirits. Sunday, spent it cleaning up my little home and my uncle. Had another afternoon sleep and then watched TV.
My thoughts have been depressed, I've been down and gloomy. Trying to figure it all out. Trying to break it down and figure out why there are times I feel empty and alone. It's not that I'm missing God in my life ( I believe in God and continually strive for a healthy relationship) It's not that I want financial riches - sure that would be nice but my happiness doesn't depend on it. It's not material things - I'm happy with my belongings. It's not a man - I'm happy without one and don't believe ones' happiness is dependent on another individual. So what is it....? I'm bored!!!!!!!! With Life!!!!! At the moment there is nothing that excites me, moves me. And it's not about taking up a new hobby. I need a huge change, and I know losing this weight is part of it, I feel like I'm on hold, in limbo and it's horrible. I know I don't want to stay in the industry I currently am in, but in saying that I know I have to lose the weight before going out and finding something else.
I also need to be more aware of my thoughts, how those thoughts can turn into reality. That is where it all starts isn't it - with a thought. I need to keep focused and live in the now. If I can master that I should be able to turn my thoughts from cheating. It's not about the food at the end of the day. I think anyone trying to give up or let go of a vice realises at some time it's not about that specific vise.
As I carve out my new reality I will have highs and lows. In this case a very low low, but out of the ashes a phoenix will arise and take flight. Out of struggle and suffering, greatness can immerge.
I'll hang on even if my fingernails. I will succeed.
Health is wealth!
Saturday was alright, got to spend it with some mates and they did lift my spirits. Sunday, spent it cleaning up my little home and my uncle. Had another afternoon sleep and then watched TV.
My thoughts have been depressed, I've been down and gloomy. Trying to figure it all out. Trying to break it down and figure out why there are times I feel empty and alone. It's not that I'm missing God in my life ( I believe in God and continually strive for a healthy relationship) It's not that I want financial riches - sure that would be nice but my happiness doesn't depend on it. It's not material things - I'm happy with my belongings. It's not a man - I'm happy without one and don't believe ones' happiness is dependent on another individual. So what is it....? I'm bored!!!!!!!! With Life!!!!! At the moment there is nothing that excites me, moves me. And it's not about taking up a new hobby. I need a huge change, and I know losing this weight is part of it, I feel like I'm on hold, in limbo and it's horrible. I know I don't want to stay in the industry I currently am in, but in saying that I know I have to lose the weight before going out and finding something else.
I also need to be more aware of my thoughts, how those thoughts can turn into reality. That is where it all starts isn't it - with a thought. I need to keep focused and live in the now. If I can master that I should be able to turn my thoughts from cheating. It's not about the food at the end of the day. I think anyone trying to give up or let go of a vice realises at some time it's not about that specific vise.
As I carve out my new reality I will have highs and lows. In this case a very low low, but out of the ashes a phoenix will arise and take flight. Out of struggle and suffering, greatness can immerge.
I'll hang on even if my fingernails. I will succeed.
Health is wealth!
The Craziness of Thursday 7 July.
Last week Thursday I had a total mental breakdown, my demons rose up big and strong and I felt so extremely overwhelmed and out of control. I didn't have access to my blog so went on face book and "vomited" my words onto my little cellphone....
I may be having a mental breakdown. I vowed to be honest with my weight loss journey and so far I have been.
Tonight, I deliberately sabataged (spelling) myself and it has pushed my mental stability to the brink. I was baking muffins and made chocolate ganache. Iced all the muffins and I went ahead and finished (as in ate) the ganache like a disgusting pig. I tried to stop but I couldn't, I couldn't. I asked out loud what I was doing and tired reasoning this thing out! It didn't work. I was and still am flooded with feelings of disgust, remorse, failure! I then went for the cheese, I wanted to just eat it all up, out of disgust I threw it away from me, sobbing like a little kid.
I feel so overwhelmed again and that I've fallen to the very bottom of my dirty pit! God, I've failed my dying uncle, I've failed myself. I can't even physically purge it out of my system, so I have to purge it out on the mental field or using my words.
I felt and still can feel the crazyness, it wants to totally envelope me. I've been literally sobbing for 2 hours, I've called myself every disgusting name under the sun, I even slapped myself, I want to hurt myself physically to help ease this pain I feel inside.
Like I said, the crazy is lurking, and it's taking every ounce of my soul to keep somewhat sane. Why? Why did I do it? I don't know, really. I didn't even want the chocolate. Perhaps under all these layers I still believe I'll fail.Perhaps I still don't believe I deserve this, or that I'm not worth it. I'm still shaking, the dry sobs, pathetic I know. It's not even that time of the month.
God help me because right now I've got nothing. Whatever has come before this now means absolutely nothing. I have to start from day one again. Going to have to find that resolve again. I'm scared, terrified my resolve has snapped. All I have now, in the very moment I write this are my words and the vow of honesty I made.
I may be having a mental breakdown. I vowed to be honest with my weight loss journey and so far I have been.
Tonight, I deliberately sabataged (spelling) myself and it has pushed my mental stability to the brink. I was baking muffins and made chocolate ganache. Iced all the muffins and I went ahead and finished (as in ate) the ganache like a disgusting pig. I tried to stop but I couldn't, I couldn't. I asked out loud what I was doing and tired reasoning this thing out! It didn't work. I was and still am flooded with feelings of disgust, remorse, failure! I then went for the cheese, I wanted to just eat it all up, out of disgust I threw it away from me, sobbing like a little kid.
I feel so overwhelmed again and that I've fallen to the very bottom of my dirty pit! God, I've failed my dying uncle, I've failed myself. I can't even physically purge it out of my system, so I have to purge it out on the mental field or using my words.
I felt and still can feel the crazyness, it wants to totally envelope me. I've been literally sobbing for 2 hours, I've called myself every disgusting name under the sun, I even slapped myself, I want to hurt myself physically to help ease this pain I feel inside.
Like I said, the crazy is lurking, and it's taking every ounce of my soul to keep somewhat sane. Why? Why did I do it? I don't know, really. I didn't even want the chocolate. Perhaps under all these layers I still believe I'll fail.Perhaps I still don't believe I deserve this, or that I'm not worth it. I'm still shaking, the dry sobs, pathetic I know. It's not even that time of the month.
God help me because right now I've got nothing. Whatever has come before this now means absolutely nothing. I have to start from day one again. Going to have to find that resolve again. I'm scared, terrified my resolve has snapped. All I have now, in the very moment I write this are my words and the vow of honesty I made.
Thursday, 07 July 2011
The Day After.
Madam Zingara's was a blast. The show was extravagent and glitzy. The group I went with looked lovely and we had a lot of fun.
As mentioned I was a little nervous about the food. Even though I knew I was going to break my diet for this night I didn't want to overboard.
Let me take you through the menu and how I handled the food on my plate. Starters: 2 Mini mugs of a spinach and ricotta, herb soup. Bread, dips, mini cheese, nuts and olives. These were to be shared amongst 2 people. The serving was small and very tastey. I made a point in not grabbing the bread as soon as we were seated. I let others eat most of it and literally took a little piece to put a bit of humus on. Ante pasta: a mini crepe stuffed with creamed spinach served on napolina sauce and rocket with grated parmisan. Again a very small dish. So far I was absolutely enjoying all the various flavors, I have gotten so used to my food that it was a taste explosion. Mains: I ordered the 200g fillet served with dark chilli chocolate sauce and deep fried angel noodles. I put the noodles aside as I wasn't interested in that. I enjoyed the steak - it could have used a little bit of cracked salt to bring out the chocolate flavour more (that is the secret of chocolate acutally). Dessert: We were given 3 mini deserts. Malva puding, lemon infused creme brule' and strawberry yoghurt mosse. I went for the malva pudding first. My first taste litterally gave me goosebumps. It was extremely delicious and left me wanting more. I only had half. I had 1 spoon of the strawberry mouse - didn't fancy that so moved onto the creme' brule'. Creme brule' happens to be my favorite dessert. I at that lil pot up! Delish!!!
The only thing about my feast last night is that today I'm hungry. Last nights' feast is the most food I've eaten in 4 months. I thouroughly enjoyed it, but now it's back to my diet and back to being strict. I didn't go overboard and took my time in eating and savouring each dish. I feel good about the whole thing.
Here are some pics from the evening:
Yes, I am committed to stick to my plan and continue losing weight. I know I will reach my goal, I'm that focused.
Tomorrow my brother turns 18! Wow! I'm baking mini cupcakes for him and taking the day off to pretty much do whatever he wants. Being on diet during times like this can be tough because I want to also enjoy the cake and a meal if we go out, but these are the sacrifices I'm willing to make at this time.
Thank goodness lunch time has rolled around. I'm ready to have my brussel sprouts and chicken.
Stay warm, stay healthy.
As mentioned I was a little nervous about the food. Even though I knew I was going to break my diet for this night I didn't want to overboard.
Let me take you through the menu and how I handled the food on my plate. Starters: 2 Mini mugs of a spinach and ricotta, herb soup. Bread, dips, mini cheese, nuts and olives. These were to be shared amongst 2 people. The serving was small and very tastey. I made a point in not grabbing the bread as soon as we were seated. I let others eat most of it and literally took a little piece to put a bit of humus on. Ante pasta: a mini crepe stuffed with creamed spinach served on napolina sauce and rocket with grated parmisan. Again a very small dish. So far I was absolutely enjoying all the various flavors, I have gotten so used to my food that it was a taste explosion. Mains: I ordered the 200g fillet served with dark chilli chocolate sauce and deep fried angel noodles. I put the noodles aside as I wasn't interested in that. I enjoyed the steak - it could have used a little bit of cracked salt to bring out the chocolate flavour more (that is the secret of chocolate acutally). Dessert: We were given 3 mini deserts. Malva puding, lemon infused creme brule' and strawberry yoghurt mosse. I went for the malva pudding first. My first taste litterally gave me goosebumps. It was extremely delicious and left me wanting more. I only had half. I had 1 spoon of the strawberry mouse - didn't fancy that so moved onto the creme' brule'. Creme brule' happens to be my favorite dessert. I at that lil pot up! Delish!!!
The only thing about my feast last night is that today I'm hungry. Last nights' feast is the most food I've eaten in 4 months. I thouroughly enjoyed it, but now it's back to my diet and back to being strict. I didn't go overboard and took my time in eating and savouring each dish. I feel good about the whole thing.
Here are some pics from the evening:
Yes, I am committed to stick to my plan and continue losing weight. I know I will reach my goal, I'm that focused.
Tomorrow my brother turns 18! Wow! I'm baking mini cupcakes for him and taking the day off to pretty much do whatever he wants. Being on diet during times like this can be tough because I want to also enjoy the cake and a meal if we go out, but these are the sacrifices I'm willing to make at this time.
Thank goodness lunch time has rolled around. I'm ready to have my brussel sprouts and chicken.
Stay warm, stay healthy.
Wednesday, 06 July 2011
Madam Z Night!
It has finally arrived. Madam Zingar! I knew when I started this diet nearly 4 months ago that I would have this cheat night. That would be Madam Z night. It is an over the top show, show casing some amazing talet and food.
I am nervous! Perhaps a little scared. I'm going to be faced with 'normal food' for the first time in 4 months. Things pop into my head: * will my stomach handle it * will I dive in and stuff myself like a pig * what to choose * is this wise *
I have made up my mind that I will sample what foods they have on offer. I already know I am not going to eat it all. I don't want to make myself feel sick nor do I want to overdo it. A little taster from each course should suffice. Besides there is something so much better happening than the food.
NEW JEANS! Yes I haven't worn the pair I'll be wearing tonight out yet. Simply because, though they fitted, they were still quite tight. Did do a try on earlier in the week, and the jeans fit and are comfy. I've bought new red shoes and will definitely be playing dressup.
I'll be taking photos for my journal and may put up a couple up here.
Now something a bit more serious: When giving up a vice: eg bad eating habits (or whatever it is), one can transfer that bad habit into another area. So though you are succeeding in losing weight, another area in your life becomes infected. I don't want that to happen with me. I do think my personality type may have a tendency to lean towards that transferral. I will have to just keep my eye on one or two areas to make sure that I'm not transferring my feelings/emotions into something that could be just as distructive.However if I'm going to put that extra energy into playing tennis - different story.
Tennis - I so loved this game when I was younger. Eish regret right there!!!! And swimming. I definitely had natural talent when younger and just never developed it for religious reasons and obviously later on in life, I was too overweight to make that dream a reality. If only I had someone that pushed and pushed and then pushed some more - yeah that is another reason why I'm so gunhoe about this weightloss journey, I don't want to have any other regrets in my life. That is why I'll stand behind my brother and support his dreams - whether or not they come to fruition - he's got to know someone is in his corner. So back to tennis, I've been checking out some rackets, prices range from your cheap crapadilo to top of the range pro prices. Since I'm no Nadal, I shan't be aiming for those pro rackets .... yet :) I definitely want to get back into playing. I'm looking forward to creating a strong, healthy, fit Lou. It's so exciting.
I'm happy to say that I've now shared my diet with 4 other people. Some have a bit to lose, some not too much, but I want to let them know that though it is a strict plan, you see the results. This is not one of those plans that don't deliver. I'm living proof it delivers. I had 2 people tell me I'm fading away today and that the weightloss is really noticable. So, stick to the plan and the kgs will fall off!!!!!!
Visited with my uncle last night. It's good to visit and chat with him, he always says he feels so much better after a visit and that makes me feel like I'm helping him. Most times I feel at such a loss on how to comfort him, but it's good to know that just being there distracts him. He talks on a variety of things, the good 'ol soccer days, how his mother is his champion (and she is, at 76 or 77 still doing so much for her son), his father - though a crabby grumpy man, still holds him dear, his nephews and nieces - how proud he is of them that they have come so far. We sit and watch re-runs of Fraiser and I know that one day I'll look on these times as very special - I alreayd know they are. He still has a joke for me and we have a laugh - he went as far as to predict that I, Louise Maxwell will be married by the close of 2 years - this will be interesting. I've always maintained that I'm not the marrying kind - but hey if Nadal had to drop his gorgeous girlfriend and ask me to marry him - I'd consider:)
Treasure the ones you love. Health is wealth.
I am nervous! Perhaps a little scared. I'm going to be faced with 'normal food' for the first time in 4 months. Things pop into my head: * will my stomach handle it * will I dive in and stuff myself like a pig * what to choose * is this wise *
I have made up my mind that I will sample what foods they have on offer. I already know I am not going to eat it all. I don't want to make myself feel sick nor do I want to overdo it. A little taster from each course should suffice. Besides there is something so much better happening than the food.
NEW JEANS! Yes I haven't worn the pair I'll be wearing tonight out yet. Simply because, though they fitted, they were still quite tight. Did do a try on earlier in the week, and the jeans fit and are comfy. I've bought new red shoes and will definitely be playing dressup.
I'll be taking photos for my journal and may put up a couple up here.
Now something a bit more serious: When giving up a vice: eg bad eating habits (or whatever it is), one can transfer that bad habit into another area. So though you are succeeding in losing weight, another area in your life becomes infected. I don't want that to happen with me. I do think my personality type may have a tendency to lean towards that transferral. I will have to just keep my eye on one or two areas to make sure that I'm not transferring my feelings/emotions into something that could be just as distructive.However if I'm going to put that extra energy into playing tennis - different story.
Tennis - I so loved this game when I was younger. Eish regret right there!!!! And swimming. I definitely had natural talent when younger and just never developed it for religious reasons and obviously later on in life, I was too overweight to make that dream a reality. If only I had someone that pushed and pushed and then pushed some more - yeah that is another reason why I'm so gunhoe about this weightloss journey, I don't want to have any other regrets in my life. That is why I'll stand behind my brother and support his dreams - whether or not they come to fruition - he's got to know someone is in his corner. So back to tennis, I've been checking out some rackets, prices range from your cheap crapadilo to top of the range pro prices. Since I'm no Nadal, I shan't be aiming for those pro rackets .... yet :) I definitely want to get back into playing. I'm looking forward to creating a strong, healthy, fit Lou. It's so exciting.
I'm happy to say that I've now shared my diet with 4 other people. Some have a bit to lose, some not too much, but I want to let them know that though it is a strict plan, you see the results. This is not one of those plans that don't deliver. I'm living proof it delivers. I had 2 people tell me I'm fading away today and that the weightloss is really noticable. So, stick to the plan and the kgs will fall off!!!!!!
Visited with my uncle last night. It's good to visit and chat with him, he always says he feels so much better after a visit and that makes me feel like I'm helping him. Most times I feel at such a loss on how to comfort him, but it's good to know that just being there distracts him. He talks on a variety of things, the good 'ol soccer days, how his mother is his champion (and she is, at 76 or 77 still doing so much for her son), his father - though a crabby grumpy man, still holds him dear, his nephews and nieces - how proud he is of them that they have come so far. We sit and watch re-runs of Fraiser and I know that one day I'll look on these times as very special - I alreayd know they are. He still has a joke for me and we have a laugh - he went as far as to predict that I, Louise Maxwell will be married by the close of 2 years - this will be interesting. I've always maintained that I'm not the marrying kind - but hey if Nadal had to drop his gorgeous girlfriend and ask me to marry him - I'd consider:)
Treasure the ones you love. Health is wealth.
Tuesday, 05 July 2011
VITAMINS.
Right, so I've been on this diet now for 15 weeks - wow - the time has flown and I'm so happy that I started when I did (wish it was sooner). With us in the middle of winter I wanted to take something to help ward off any little flu bugs that might want to take advantage of me.
I decided to go and find myself a multivitamin. And I did. Formula V vm-2000. A multinutrient system for the 21st Century - exactly what I need as a woman of the 21st Century. These tablets are the size of bombs - massive - so best drunk with a large glass of water. Now this is going to be an overshare, but the first couple of days my pee was neon yellow - it looked rather alien.
What I have to say about these multivitamins is that they really do give me a boost that lasts the whole day. I have got so much extra energy, I just want to go go go. I want to play tennis again, gym, I want to bake (did make 3 cakes in one day actuall) and pretty much take over the world! I have even joked about becoming a tennis champion - could I do that at 36? With the right training...........
So yes, I'm bouncing around. My mood is where is should be - balanced, and now that I think back, those dips I had could have been due to a lack of vitamins in my system - you know to keep everything well and balanced.
If you are going to be dieting or gyming or even just for balanced health, go out and look for a good multivitamin to give you that extra bit of oomph.
I posted a new pic up on facebook - I want to thank everyone for all the lovely comments. I am amazed at the response actually - didn't realise that I had changed that much. All I can say is that there will be more change to come.
To the future and to health!
I decided to go and find myself a multivitamin. And I did. Formula V vm-2000. A multinutrient system for the 21st Century - exactly what I need as a woman of the 21st Century. These tablets are the size of bombs - massive - so best drunk with a large glass of water. Now this is going to be an overshare, but the first couple of days my pee was neon yellow - it looked rather alien.
What I have to say about these multivitamins is that they really do give me a boost that lasts the whole day. I have got so much extra energy, I just want to go go go. I want to play tennis again, gym, I want to bake (did make 3 cakes in one day actuall) and pretty much take over the world! I have even joked about becoming a tennis champion - could I do that at 36? With the right training...........
So yes, I'm bouncing around. My mood is where is should be - balanced, and now that I think back, those dips I had could have been due to a lack of vitamins in my system - you know to keep everything well and balanced.
If you are going to be dieting or gyming or even just for balanced health, go out and look for a good multivitamin to give you that extra bit of oomph.
I posted a new pic up on facebook - I want to thank everyone for all the lovely comments. I am amazed at the response actually - didn't realise that I had changed that much. All I can say is that there will be more change to come.
To the future and to health!
Friday, 01 July 2011
1st of July
.....and STILL on diet. Not a bad thing at all. People try kid themselves that it's a "lifestyle".... NOPE - this is a diet, this is constructed to make me lose weight. The lifestyle part comes afterwards.
I wasn't going to put anything up before the weekend as I don't really have much to add this week, or to say. Then I got a message from an online friend. She would also like to lose weight and has difficulty believing she can do it.
Wow! How many times have I been down that road. How many times have I come face to face with the truth about me and I felt that I just could not face being on a diet again. Let me be honest with you, I felt defeated BEFORE I even began. I have felt so overwhelmed by the amount of weight that I had to lose that I didn't know where to start and starting a diet, for some reason didn't make sense to me again, because in my minds' eye I just saw all the failed attempts, I saw myself failing again......so what would be the point of attempting yet again. Fatty Lou would just disappoint again. Could I face that again!!!!!!!!
I had too. There was no other choice. It was do or die for me. I have to lose this weight, not only for my uncle, but for me. I can't carry on my life being obese. I have too much stuff I want to do, I want to look back when I'm 85, sitting on my porch, and have no regrets, knowing I can move on to the next adventure.
This plan has gotten a lot easier, but there are days I find it hard, days I'm hungry, days I'm angry at myself for doing this to myself, days I want to give up. I have to dig deep, really deep to make that day successful. Gone are the excuses. This is me, all me. Failure is NOT AN OPTION. I don't care what I have to sacrifice in food terms to get to my goal. Hear me when I say that - I don't care! I will do it. It's a war! I'm fighting against my body, my mind, the years of being fat, the years of eating what I wanted when I wanted and how I wanted. I will not lose again. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of being fat. I don't want to be fat any more. And so I fight on.
Sheez! Ja! I will get there.
As I walk this path, I'm realising just how passionate I am about weightloss and helping others. I honestly will help anyone who needs encouragement, who needs assistance with what to eat - I've got the low down on healthy eating.
So, to a healthy weekend! Health is wealth.
I wasn't going to put anything up before the weekend as I don't really have much to add this week, or to say. Then I got a message from an online friend. She would also like to lose weight and has difficulty believing she can do it.
Wow! How many times have I been down that road. How many times have I come face to face with the truth about me and I felt that I just could not face being on a diet again. Let me be honest with you, I felt defeated BEFORE I even began. I have felt so overwhelmed by the amount of weight that I had to lose that I didn't know where to start and starting a diet, for some reason didn't make sense to me again, because in my minds' eye I just saw all the failed attempts, I saw myself failing again......so what would be the point of attempting yet again. Fatty Lou would just disappoint again. Could I face that again!!!!!!!!
I had too. There was no other choice. It was do or die for me. I have to lose this weight, not only for my uncle, but for me. I can't carry on my life being obese. I have too much stuff I want to do, I want to look back when I'm 85, sitting on my porch, and have no regrets, knowing I can move on to the next adventure.
This plan has gotten a lot easier, but there are days I find it hard, days I'm hungry, days I'm angry at myself for doing this to myself, days I want to give up. I have to dig deep, really deep to make that day successful. Gone are the excuses. This is me, all me. Failure is NOT AN OPTION. I don't care what I have to sacrifice in food terms to get to my goal. Hear me when I say that - I don't care! I will do it. It's a war! I'm fighting against my body, my mind, the years of being fat, the years of eating what I wanted when I wanted and how I wanted. I will not lose again. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of being fat. I don't want to be fat any more. And so I fight on.
Sheez! Ja! I will get there.
As I walk this path, I'm realising just how passionate I am about weightloss and helping others. I honestly will help anyone who needs encouragement, who needs assistance with what to eat - I've got the low down on healthy eating.
So, to a healthy weekend! Health is wealth.
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