My weekend wasn't the best and I've been battling with myself to carry on the path. This Monday is the bluest, most frustrating and unhappy Monday I have faced on this diet and this year. I feel very alone and extremely down. I knew that there were going to be ups and downs I'd have to face on this journey. Plus no matter how I go on this diet, I cannot control anything else out there, I can only control little bits - the diet.
Emotional stresses flung at me. Romantic "dreams" (of sort) hanging by a thread and hardly has a chance to grow and just feeling lonely. I haven't felt lonely in 6 years. That is how I felt this weekend and it hasn't improved by any measure today.
I'm trying to find the silver lining in the small things right now. Fitting into my bath very comfortably and being able to reach over and wash my feet is as about as good as it gets - such a small thing everyone takes for granted and then I am hit with how I allowed myself to get to this state and I sink into dark dispare. It's sickening that I ate myself to being obese. I hate the way I look and feel today. I'm overwhelmed with the distance I still have to go where I can say to myself "WOW, now *I* can see how far I've come". That is still a long way off and I know it's not going to be easy going. Even my dreams mock me, I dreamt I cheated and ate a chocolate covered ice-cream and felt so guilty. Then dreamt I was at a buffet and my one aunt told me I was going to put all the weight back on.
Yeah, not a good day. I've tears in my eyes as I type this and a lump in my throat. I have no choice but to stick to my diet, it's the only thing right now that I can cling too. To get thinner, and even then I know how much work has to go into shaping the thinner me and working out whatever new problems face me then - when will it end?
I don't really have anyone I can rely on, or rather I choose not too rely on. Must be built into me that the only person I can truly depend on is myself. Others out there may mean well and offer support, but really when I look back on my life and ponder what support I really got......it's always been me that has been the constant rock, perhaps that is not a bad thing. It makes me stronger, makes me realise I cannot wallow in this state for long, makes me pick myself off and fight on.
That will be the positive thing I speak of today - rely on yourself, make yourself strong and you can do anything you set your mind too.
Oh and it's three months today!
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