Writing is cathartic. It's a verbal purge that eleviates some of the blockage - a very good thing. I got home feeling very down and depressed, I sat in darkness and, oh lord, I watched a soapie. I could even force a smile, I cried during Oprah and was just miserable. I didn't feel like eating and wasn't going too, but realised that was just stupid as I would wake up ravenous and that would just throw Tuesday off.
So I shuffled to the kitchen and made dinner half heartedly, ate it without much gusto and sat. I sat and thought about life, love, children, work, money, things on my to do list. The one thing that truly bought me the most comfort - my diet! Yeah, hard to believe I know, but I took comfort knowing I wasn't going to cheat, knowing what food was to follow and the routine of it - I didn't have to think about it.
I did a bit of reading and fell asleep, only to be wide awake at 2:30 in the morning with a heavy heart and crying my eyes out. Pathetic! Sure! It's like Donkey said in Shrek "layers" I'm peeling back so many layers and uncovering past hurts/upsets that are showing their ugly head. The first thing I would have done in the past is to head to the fridge and whip up something delicious and eat that pain back down. Now ... well I can't do that any more because the problem does't get solved.
I don't expect people to understand or even be sympathetic - this is my journey and my demons that I have to face. Eish! I know there will be a couple of more tough times, life isn't always about smooth saying.
So at about 4 am I 'talked' things out in my head about what I had to do and get done, I put the stress and problems aside and let myself drift back into sleep. Although I wouldn't be as fresh as a daisy on awaking, I would have got some rest - which is important.
Yeah when I feel like this, even the simplest things seem extremely overwhelming and I feel those walls come closing in and I can't breathe. I wish futile wishes and withdraw. The best way for me to tackle my problems, is to take one thing at a time and complete it, then move onto the next. If a task cannot be completed because I have to rely on someone else, I do a follow up and make a note of when I would like a response by and make a note, then onto the next. Yes, I take small, shakey baby steps, and that by the end of the day (like today) makes me feel a bit better.
I'm fortunate in that I'm not one for really getting stuck in for a long haul wallow. This doesn't mean that I'm all smiles and laughter today, it means I'm not as bad as yesturday. This wobble also happens to be over "that time" which has definately contributed to the severity of the wobble. I hate that my hormones can wack me like this. I'm please though that I don't automatically turn to food - a small battle won!
If you get down in the dumps, hang in there, it will pass. If you're on diet or trying to give up smoking or some other habit don't automatically turn to that vice when times get tough. Stick it out. When you make it through one tough time, you can make it through the next. Accept that some things are out of your control, but that your health is in your hands. Treasure it.
So that is all today folks. A less blue Lou today.
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