When you open one can of honesty worms, you can be sure that others are going to start opening up as well. Do I even want to go there? Do I even want to bare myself like this? Sickenly, yes. I've always turned to writing to purge and to heal. I used to write a lot of poetry or pieces a while back and have over 200. Speaking to someone helps but I think we always hold back, there is safety in the written word. Though I must say putting up for all to read, well that is kinda scarey :) It a good way, if that makes any sense.
The next Honesty Worm was regarding a heart/love interest. He lives far far away (not in some disney kingdom), pretty much on the other side of the world. He knows how I feel. I have been super honest and open regarding it, BUT, it is just a dream, a desirous 'want'. I have to let him and that dream I hoped for go.
Before, I know I would have turned to food to block the hurt, I would have literally eaten that pain away till I felt numb. Being full of food would have dulled the ache in my heart. Again this journey is teaching me to face all sorts of pain head on and yes they hurt like a bitch (never understood that saying too much but it works right now), but it also brings relief, a great sense of peace and knowing you can let go (without turning to food).
Oh my God!!! I just had such a freaking lightbulb moment - I'm letting go of the pain body. I'm a reader of Eckhart Tolle, a spiritual writer and he speaks of The Pain Body and how we feed it, and that is exactly what I've been doing my entire life. I never lived in the NOW, I looked at the past or the future and didn't deal with what I was actually going through in that moment and by stuffing my face with food was in actual fact feeding my pain body, keeping it alive and real.
Okay, if you didn't understand any of that, it's okay, it was my moment!!!! ooooh I just got a delightful shiver and the hairs on the back of my neck stood up. WOW - big breakthrough for me. What all of that means is that now I don't have to stuff myself to full that void, I am free to feel the pain, acknowledge it and work through it. And through it all, I know the sun will set, night will come and she will arise another day. I close my eyes, take in a deep calming breath and as I release it, I know that I will be okay.
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Work is, well it's work. I'm not even sure how much I should put on my blog. What I can say is that I'm not 100% happy. I'm not in a situation to change it right now, plus I know that if I want to change it I have to go for interviews and soooo many people go on first impressions, that I wonder if a fatty stands a chance. So I sit it out for now. Look, I earn a decent salary (well only if you take into account my commission, otherwise I'd be in the dwang) There have been changes that I didn't and still don't like - for one I no longer run the advertising department, well not officially, it would be nice if it was official though, that always looks good on a CV. I know I have to truly let that go and I have made some peace about it, but I know it's not 100% peace. Plus I'm not happy with interference from above (not talking about God, lightning or magnetic pulses), and of course you have those very difficult clients. I guess that is to be expected with a great many jobs out there. So I mostly fly below the radar, don't ruffle too many feathers, nod my head and wave. If I can make a decision (yes if) then I make it wholeheartedly and move forward. If I had my own way, I'd run a successful coffee/snack shop, or write (preferably in a Tuscan Village in Italy, overlooking vinyards), or travel to unique and mysterious destinations.
Any unhappiness I felt was numbed with food. Food was my comforter. Food was my blocker, my friend, my supporter, my void filler. I no longer have that need for food to be that important in my life, and find that I need to look to myself for these things and to constantly keep aware of the moment I am in. I have to be able to lift myself up and encourage myself from the power that is me. It is a huge thing to realise and am grasping it little by little. Got to start with baby steps, they eventually add up to a whole lot of distance covered.
Yours in mental, physical and spiritual health!
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