Mistake - My Bad & Baby Showers!

I made a huge mistake, one that can thankfully be rectified. DO NOT use low fat cream cheese - it has 3 to 4 times more calories than smooth cottage cheese - I somehow thought they were the same, but they are worlds apart. No wonder it was soooo delicious. I threw the rest of the cream cheese out and have now got the regular smooth cottage cheese - this one is also from Woolies, I know it may not be as mind blowing yummy as the cream cheese version BUT I am hoping for a fraction of the delicious factor.  My bad people.

Before I would have felt absolutely gutted and guilt stricken about eating those 60g portions, but it's done and I've realised the mistake and can make a better decision next time.  Something small like this really would have derailed me in the past.  Perhaps because I've seen the big picture and just not to allow the guilt to grow and envelope me.

Today there was a baby shower at work.  Everyone bought a plate of eats and something to drink.  I whipped up my now famous cheesecake for the doo.  As it got to eating time, a number of people said "ah shame, you can't have any".  I expressed that it's my choice not to eat, that I have chosen to say no and to stick to my word.  Plus if I didn't, I'm sure they would think, "another diet failed, fat girl can't stick to a diet".  I've had enough of failure.  So I got my fruit, ate that, while everyone snacked on the cakes and savories,  then followed it with lunch.  Success!  I stayed strong.

I did a comparrison of my day 1 photo and a pic I took yesturday.  Shew!I can't believe how much fat I've lost around my face, neck and shoulders.  My body is taking on a shape, a smaller one at that.  That gives me all the extra motivation I need.  I can see this diet is working.  Sure I've still got a long way to go, but 3 and a half months have passed, if I can do it for this amount of time, I can do it for the next few months.  I know when I beat this (during winter too), nothing is impossible.

Being on a diet is tough.  Food is around us all the time, it is feul that we do need to move about.  There is never a time you can hide from it.  Life goes on, parties and braais happen.  I just got to bite down, I still want to mix with my friends and be social, I just need to keep saying no to the bad and to keep strong.

Stay healthy.

3 and a half months: Updates on bits and pieces.

The kind of cream cheese you use does become important when you're trying to keep your food tatesy and as free of spices/flavourants as possible.  It's fair enough if you're buying smoked salmon cream cheese, that's delicious on it's own and most brands will get it right.  Low fat plain cream cheese though can taste a little sour / off especially as you're only going to be having it with a salad (no dressing) or on crackers.  So the TYPE of cream cheese you buy is important.

I've gone few a variety of brands and I can honestly say have not finished one whole tub yet. I get sick of the taste and just don't want to put myself through it.   Salt and pepper only go so far. Since I want to stay on this diet for a while, I have to shop around and find the foods that will remain appealing for a long time.

I recommend the Woolworths, low fat, plain smooth cream cheese (never been a fan of cottage).   It is super delicious and I don't even use salt or pepper.  I wouldn't go as far as to get the fat free one.  Low fat is as low as I'm going.  If I had 10 thumbs, I'd give it that many.  Do yourselves a favour and get a tub - you won't regret it.

This weekend I did find myself in a bit of a pickle as I had left my little bit of meat on my home counter and I was at a friends' place for a braai - PANIC!!!!  I really didn't want to cheat and I didn't know what to do.  Thank goodness they did have a pack of fillet chicken and even better a scale - day saved!  I momentarily felt sick.  I wasn't going to cheat, so was quite prepared to just eat my 100g veggie and starve or drink gallons of water.  I also found the stash of provitas as I had left that at home too.  It's the cold.  It numbs my brain.

Fat rolls are definitely getting smaller!  Neck is getting more defined.  The difficult place to measure is the upper arms - yeah you know the spot, the saggy bits - ugh!  I know that the best way to sort that out is by doing 25000 arm kick backs - works the triceps wonderfully.  I'll get to that.  For now, I rub and massage :)  Don't know that it's helping anything but the circulation.

In about a month and a half or so I'm going to be joining a weightloss challenge group.  You meet once a week and you get weighed and measured.   I'll know exactly how much of lost by then, how much to go and will be able to see cms' lost.  I had joined this group last year sometime so they have all my measurements on record.  I'll then post the results.

Update on my uncle:  I have made an effort to visit my uncle and I know that he appreciates those times.  Our discussions distract him from the pain and illness for a while.  He gets to talk about the "good 'ol days" and though I've heard the stories so many times, he tells them with such joy that I can't help but indulge him one more time.  I definitely feel that I'm in the right frame of mind too.  Digging deep and taking an honest look at myself has helped me make improvements and adjustments where needed.  He is failing though!  Every day. Yesturday he spoke about feeling strong to make it through the week.  Today when I spoke to him, I could hear defeat in his voice and he told me had a very bad night.  I don't want to go into his personal details.  He did ask that my aunt and I try get him into hospice.  It is a hard thing to hear that because he said he knows once he goes in, he doubts he'll come out again.

I'm also so pissed off at the public health system.  I know they are pushed to their limits.  I appreciate all they do.  BUT, they do fall short in some places.  They don't listen to my uncle when he speaks about his catheta problems, they don't solve it, they don't make plans to help.  He has to leave the hospital in as bad a state as he went in.  Very few in the public health profession show kindness, when you do come across someone that actually gives you 5min, it blows you away.  There is a definate lack of compassion in this field.  These patients look to their doctors and nurses for help, explainations and advise.  They fall short and leave you in the dark.  It baffles and angers me and I'm not ill.  I wonder how my dear uncle feels.

Let those that you love, know you love them.
Yours in health!

Honesty Worms.

When you open one can of honesty worms, you can be sure that others are going to start opening up as well.  Do I even want to go there?  Do I even want to bare myself like this?  Sickenly, yes.  I've always turned to writing to purge and to heal.  I used to write a lot of poetry or pieces a while back and have over 200.  Speaking to someone helps but I think we always hold back, there is safety in the written word.  Though I must say putting up for all to read, well that is kinda scarey :)  It a good way, if that makes any sense.

The next Honesty Worm was regarding a heart/love interest.  He lives far far away (not in some disney kingdom), pretty much on the other side of the world.  He knows how I feel.  I have been super honest and open regarding it, BUT, it is just a dream, a desirous 'want'. I have to let him and that dream I hoped for go.
Before, I know I would have turned to food to block the hurt, I would have literally eaten that pain away till I felt numb.  Being full of food would have dulled the ache in my heart.  Again this journey is teaching me to face all sorts of pain head on and yes they hurt like a bitch (never understood that saying too much but it works right now), but it also brings relief, a great sense of peace and knowing you can let go (without turning to food).

Oh my God!!! I just had such a freaking lightbulb moment - I'm letting go of the pain body.  I'm a reader of Eckhart Tolle, a spiritual writer and he speaks of The Pain Body and how we feed it, and that is exactly what I've been doing my entire life.  I never lived in the NOW, I looked at the past or the future and didn't deal with what I was actually going through in that moment and by stuffing my face with food was in actual fact feeding my pain body, keeping it alive and real.

Okay, if you didn't understand any of that, it's okay, it was my moment!!!!  ooooh I just got a delightful shiver and the hairs on the back of my neck stood up.  WOW - big breakthrough for me.   What all of that means is that now I don't have to stuff myself to full that void, I am free to feel the pain, acknowledge it and work through it.  And through it all, I know the sun will set, night will come and she will arise another day.  I close my eyes, take in a deep calming breath and as I release it, I know that I will be okay.

-------

Work is, well it's work.  I'm not even sure how much I should put on my blog.  What I can say is that I'm not 100% happy.  I'm not in a situation to change it right now, plus I know that if I want to change it I have to go for interviews and soooo many people go on first impressions, that I wonder if a fatty stands a chance.  So I sit it out for now.  Look, I earn a decent salary (well only if you take into account my commission, otherwise I'd be in the dwang)  There have been changes that I didn't and still don't like - for one I no longer run the advertising department, well not officially,  it would be nice if it was official though, that always looks good on a CV.  I know I have to truly let that go and I have made some peace about it, but I know it's not 100% peace.  Plus I'm not happy with interference from above (not talking about God, lightning or magnetic pulses), and of course you have those very difficult clients.  I guess that is to be expected with a great many jobs out there. So I mostly fly below the radar, don't ruffle too many feathers, nod my head and wave.  If I can make a decision (yes if) then I make it wholeheartedly and move forward. If I had my own way, I'd run a successful coffee/snack shop, or write (preferably in a Tuscan Village in Italy, overlooking vinyards), or travel to unique and mysterious destinations.

Any unhappiness I felt was numbed with food.  Food was my comforter. Food was my blocker, my friend, my supporter, my void filler.  I no longer have that need for food to be that important in my life, and find that I need to look to myself for these things and to constantly keep aware of the moment I am in.  I have to be able to lift myself up and encourage myself from the power that is me.  It is a huge thing to realise and am grasping it little by little.  Got to start with baby steps, they eventually add up to a whole lot of distance covered.

Yours in mental, physical and spiritual health!

Ugly Honesty.

I mentioned that at the end of my blog the other day.  Ugly honesty and ugly truth - ugly because sometimes when you search the very depths of your being you find things there that simply are not nice ... and they have to do with you.  Facing that ugliness takes strength, honesty, resolve and muchness.  (For interests sake the deepest part of your physical body is your kidneys - the place you are cleansed of toxins) 

As I walk my weight loss journey, I'm finding out it's not just about weight loss.  It's about my lifes' journey, mistakes I can learn from, new pearls of wisdom to find and use, all in all, to achieve my personal nivana and live my best life - a term thrown around by Oprah, but really, I do want to live my best life.

I have pondered these 2 nights about my ugly truths.  Some of course have to do with my weight problem, some have to do with work, some with love and even, and this is the hard one to admit to, my ill uncle! I will lay my ugliness here because I have nothing to hide anymore.  I have been hard with him at times, when I went to clean up his room the other day and he couldn't get up, I believed he was being difficult and thought "he has gotten up and moved so many other times before, why not now, I'm trying to help him".  I have complained about him at times, or moaned about driving out and seeing him.  Ugly - yes!  My uncle is dying, who the bloody hell am I to judge this man!  He is riddled with pain that I cannot even fathom, who the bloody hell am I to tell him to get up and move!  He has got nothing to look forward too in life, why the hell am I not visiting him more often to help brighten up his day!!!!!  I am so grateful I uncovered this ugliness about me and have been honest about it with myself.

I can do something to rectify it too. If that was me lying in bed dying, how would I like to be treated.  I do love my uncle and I will only serve to help him in ways that he needs from now on.  It's not too much effort to visit every second night, regardless of extra effort and petrol - he is worth it.  It's not too much effort to gather a few photos of my brother playing football, he wishes he could be there for real.  It's not too much effort visiting and distracting his attention from the pain, he treasures those moments.

So off I went last night.  I got him a few treats, packed the photo loaded laptop and went to visit.  I went in an uplifted state and with the hope of giving my uncle a bit of encouragement.  We chatted for 2 hours or so.  He congratulated me on my weightloss so far and told me with absolute wonderment on his face that I am beautiful and that I'm going to only be more so when I reach my goal.  He held his hand up in a victory salute and said he knew I could do it.  I went there to encourage him and lift his spirits and he did the very same thing for me.  As he told me to leave (jokingly) I hoped that he would get some rest, I realised just how important those visits are.  I know nothing, absolutely nothing with get me off this weight loss path.  Every kg lost is in dedication of my uncle.

Yeah, facing that particular ugly was painful, but in doing it with an open heart and with honesty, I could rectify it and change.

To others, no matter your vice you are trying to give up, stay the course.  Don't fall off, or if you do, get back on quickly and continue, you will only have yourself to blame if you fail again.  The vice is not important, your life and well being are.

Yours in health.

I just came to say Hello :)

Hello, hello oh oh oh.  That is the song playing on the radio today.  A happy song, guaranteed to put me in a good mood no matter what.

This morning I was up before the sun, not that that is really early in winter :) The sun rises a little later these days, I rose at 6 am (the earliest I've been up this year) in order to go pick my granny up and take her to the hospital.  She cut a lonely frail figure as she made her way to the entrance of the public hospital.  My heart filled with sudden sadness and tears came to my eyes.  My poor lil gran, trying so hard to make it through a day.  She really does try her best to help him, she stays awake at night and watches over her dying son.  She tries to cook his meals as best as she can. 

Looking at her I was reminded of another reason why I'm on the health mission.  When I get to the ripe old age of 76 I want to be strong.  To do that, I have to look after myself now.  I have to build up that muscle and bone density now.  Yes, I have the weight to lose first, but will be employing the services of a personal trainer to whip me into shape and then to provide an ongoing program that I can follow. 

An update on my uncle:  He is extremely ill, and we know that the treatment is no longer working.  He hardly has any good moments - I can't say days, because he never has a good day.  I know he is proud of me and what I've accomplished so far. It's because of him that I got this major wake up call and I know he won't be here to share in it in the end.  Ah man, it's so bitter sweet.  Sometimes in life though, it takes tragedy for us to wake up.

I'm not a fan of the camera, any fat person will probably admit to that.  There is either too much cheek or tripple chins, or bulges bumps and a dozen other flaws we will pic up instantly.  When you're with thin/slim people in the pick, ya just feel even more fat.  You just never look nice. I'll get in front of it now and again and hit a pose.  Even taking pics for my photographic journal is a mission - I look horrid standing in tights and a vest, that I kinda get discouraged and don't wanna.  I haven't even taken my 3 month pic yet.  I'll take one at 3.5 months. Such unflattering photos but this is the journey I'm taking, so will suck it up and put on the vest and tights.

This is, at times, a journey of being ugly honest with myself - I have got to see the truth and sometimes the truth isn't pretty, what it does though, is make me stronger, fortifies my will.  I will get to my goal, no matter what I have to sacrifice along the way.

A quote from one of my favorite stories:

Frodo: I can’t do this, Sam.
Sam: I know. It’s all wrong. By rights we shouldn’t even be here. But we are. It’s like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn’t want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn’t. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something.

I will keep going.  I will not turn back!  This I promise to myself and to my uncle!  I will NOT give up.

Weekend Time Again

What a rollercoaster of a week.  From the blackest blue Monday to a relatively pleasant happy Friday.  Hormones are a b*tch (scuz the french dharlings) but really they are, you become a litte demented and can't control yourself 100%.  All in all I am feeling a gazillion times better, I can actually put on a smile. 

I've kept myself occupied and slowly worked through the things I needed too.  I cannot control my HR though, I wish I could, or I wish I could zap them with magic wand and actaully get them to sort out my questions. 

Through this turbulent week, food has not been my comforter.  I didn't turn to it once.  As a matter of fact I wasn't even interested in eating, it would be that I had to eat to keep myself from passing out.  It's a relief that that habit has been broken.  If I need comfort I can turn to friends and I really thank them for being there, to my family who have provided a ton of encouragement and they let me know that they loved me and to stay strong.

Sometimes it was just putting the radio on and singing along that made me feel better. 

Another successful week.  3 months have gone by and I am doing well.  I can see that I have shrunk quite a bit and I must celebrate that, even though I have a long way to go - it's a great accomplishment so far.  I'm also getting more shape, which is always a plus.  I definately don't want to be skinny and boney, more Nigella for me.  I think a curvey Lou will suit me just fine.

If you're trying to lose weight as well and are having a bad day, don't turn to food to solve the problem.  It's like the alcoholic that tries to drown his sorrows - they will still be there when he sobers up.  Walk through the bad day, acknowlege it hasn't been the best of days and then try find solutions or a way to sort out what needs sorting.  Put the stress down at the end of the day, have a good nights' sleep and pick yourself up and give it your best shot the next day.

I get to play pirate tonight at my friends' birthday.  I'll be whipping up a cheesecake for this event (the healthiest option of cake - yeah it's true), tomorrow I'm making butternut soup and anything else I'm inspired to do. Through all this though I'll be sticking to my own food.  How empowering is that!!!!

Stay healthy, stay warm and be well.

Another Day.

Writing is cathartic.  It's a verbal purge that eleviates some of the blockage - a very good thing. I got home feeling very down and depressed, I sat in darkness and, oh lord, I watched a soapie.  I could even force a smile, I cried during Oprah and was just miserable.  I didn't feel like eating and wasn't going too, but realised that was just stupid as I would wake up ravenous and that would just throw Tuesday off.

So I shuffled to the kitchen and made dinner half heartedly, ate it without much gusto and sat.  I sat and thought about life, love, children, work, money, things on my to do list.  The one thing that truly bought me the most comfort - my diet!  Yeah, hard to believe I know, but I took comfort knowing I wasn't going to cheat, knowing what food was to follow and the routine of it - I didn't have to think about it.

I did a bit of reading and fell asleep, only to be wide awake at 2:30 in the morning with a heavy heart and crying my eyes out.  Pathetic! Sure!  It's like Donkey said in Shrek "layers"  I'm peeling back so many layers and uncovering past hurts/upsets that are showing their ugly head.  The first thing I would have done in the past is to head to the fridge and whip up something delicious and eat that pain back down.  Now ... well I can't do that any more because the problem does't get solved. 

I don't expect people to understand or even be sympathetic - this is my journey and my demons that I have to face.  Eish!  I know there will be a couple of more tough times, life isn't always about smooth saying. 

So at about 4 am I 'talked' things out in my head about what I had to do and get done, I put the stress and problems aside and let myself drift back into sleep.  Although I wouldn't be as fresh as a daisy on awaking, I would have got some rest - which is important.

Yeah when I feel like this, even the simplest things seem extremely overwhelming and I feel those walls come closing in and I can't breathe.  I wish futile wishes and withdraw.  The best way for me to tackle my problems, is to take one thing at a time and complete it, then move onto the next.  If a task cannot be completed because I have to rely on someone else, I do a follow up and make a note of when I would like a response by and make a note, then onto the next.  Yes, I take small, shakey baby steps, and that by the end of the day (like today) makes me feel a bit better.

I'm fortunate in that I'm not one for really getting stuck in for a long haul wallow.  This doesn't mean that I'm all smiles and laughter today, it means I'm not as bad as yesturday.  This wobble also happens to be over "that time" which has definately contributed to the severity of the wobble. I hate that my hormones can wack me like this.  I'm please though that I don't automatically turn to food - a small battle won!

If you get down in the dumps, hang in there, it will pass.  If you're on diet or trying to give up smoking or some other habit don't automatically turn to that vice when times get tough.  Stick it out.  When you make it through one tough time, you can make it through the next.  Accept that some things are out of your control, but that your health is in your hands. Treasure it.

So that is all today folks.  A less blue Lou today. 

Not a good day today.

 My weekend wasn't the best and I've been battling with myself to carry on the path. This Monday is the bluest, most frustrating and unhappy Monday I have faced on this diet and this year.  I feel very alone and extremely down.  I knew that there were going to be ups and downs I'd have to face on this journey.  Plus no matter how I go on this diet, I cannot control anything else out there, I can only control little bits - the diet.

Emotional stresses flung at me. Romantic "dreams" (of sort) hanging by a thread and hardly has a chance to  grow and just feeling lonely.  I haven't felt lonely in 6 years.  That is how I felt this weekend and it hasn't improved by any measure today.

I'm trying to find the silver lining in the small things right now.  Fitting into my bath very comfortably and being able to reach over and wash my feet is as about as good as it gets - such a small thing everyone takes for granted and then I am hit with how I allowed myself to get to this state and I sink into dark dispare.  It's sickening that I ate myself to being obese.  I hate the way I look and feel today.  I'm overwhelmed with the distance I still have to go where I can say to myself "WOW, now *I* can see how far I've come".  That is still a long way off and I know it's not going to be easy going.  Even my dreams mock me, I dreamt I cheated and ate a chocolate covered ice-cream and felt so guilty. Then dreamt I was at a buffet and my one aunt told me I was going to put all the weight back on.

Yeah, not a good day.  I've tears in my eyes as I type this and a lump in my throat.  I have no choice but to stick to my diet, it's the only thing right now that I can cling too. To get thinner, and even then I know how much work has to go into shaping the thinner me and working out whatever new problems face me then - when will it end?

I don't really have anyone I can rely on, or rather I choose not too rely on.  Must be built into me that the only person I can truly depend on is myself.  Others out there may mean well and offer support, but really when I look back on my life and ponder what support I really got......it's always been me that has been the constant rock, perhaps that is not a bad thing.  It makes me stronger, makes me realise I cannot wallow in this state for long, makes me pick myself off and fight on. 

That will be the positive thing I speak of today - rely on yourself, make yourself strong and you can do anything you set your mind too.

Oh and it's three months today!

Oh for pie's sake, you didn't?

Last night, after finally remembering to take my recipe book home, I made a my chocolate pie.  I hear you ask why would I consider putting myself through something like that, knowing I can't eat it?  Simply put - I'm no longer afraid of the food AND I won't cheat, therefore can work confidently with all types of foods now and just let it be.

It also feels so powerful NOT to give into something when I've made it.  It makes me stronger, makes me want to forge on ahead.  So again, no longer afraid of food gives me such freedom.

My brother, who is my number one Tester Taster of Lou's Kitchen gave the pie 2 thumbs up. I'll be whipping another one of these babies up next week, along with other treats for my friends.  I'll have my own food and fruit close by so I have no excuses.

I know we are all tempted, but remember that with every NO you utter, your willpower grows, you are closer to your goal.  Food doesn't have to rule your thoughts/time and emotions.

Pics of the pie:

I want to stress again how important it is to always be prepared, to always have your food with you, so that you can have no excuse to cheat!  If you are sincere about losing weight, don't wait for Monday to start eating healthy - you're just going to gorge over the weekend and make it more difficult to start!  Take a leaf out of my book - I wish I had started years ago, that I had stuck to this eating plan years ago and not robbed myself.  Of course I'm so happy that I'm now on the plan and going strong.  I will no longer rob myself of my best life and health.

Yours in health

Health is wealth.

Cold and Hungry.

That is how I felt last night and I did not get a good nights' sleep. As a matter of fact, I was up the whole night. My stomach was gnawing on my spine and I couldn't stomach water or anything else.  Perhaps it's the cold weather, the burning of extra calaries to stay warm, but I'm definately feeling  more hungry.

My stomach kept growling and for the first time I was tempted to go dig in the fridge and cheat, not even with unhealthy food, with 2 crackers and a little wedge of cheese - a healthy cheat.  I knew however that I just couldn't - it's tough in those moments.  I have no one else to be true too bar for myself.  I know no one else would know.....but I can't, I just can't fall back into those habits, and right now I can't afford to add anything extra to my meal plan - that will come in due course but right now I have to stay on track.  So it was a very difficult night last night, I made it though. I stayed the course - that makes me proud, that in my moment of weakness I held on.

Breakfast went down like a home sick mole!  I went about making my favorite:  Onions, tomatoe, chilli on 2 crackers with melted cheese.  I savoured every single bite.  And it was delicious and satisfactory.

Right now it's about staying the course.  My head is down, my arms tucked in and I'm making my way through this cold and a bit difficult winter on small quantities of food.  Yeah, my mind, my will has got to stay strong.

Yours in health.

Inspiration!

Something that you have to be to overcome anything is inspired.  That thing that drives you to your goal, to stick to the path.  I have found inspiration from many places, from those who have gone before me and accomplished their goal weight and the most fantastic metamophises to being an inspiration to others.  Don't forget all the other titbits along the way, like fitting into clothes, compliments you get.  It all helps keep on the straight and narrow.

Today I got a compliment from a little old lady, my "super" as a matter of fact.  The poor old dear said that I looked sexy today - hey I'm going to take a compliment like that from anyone, doesn't matter who.  It may have had to do with the messy bed hair look, or the lovely bottle green top I had on - hey I ain't complaining.

My resolve has strengthend over these last 10 weeks.  My will is cast in iron and I will continue to surge forward. I do still have little doubts that cross my mind, but I'll reason them out logically - the one that does surface is "will this diet continue to work?"  I get sceintific about it - If I stick to the plan there is no reason why it shouldn't.

I also don't get as overwhelmed as I used too - sooo much to lose, how will I ever.  I take it day by day.  Each day I go out to make it 100%.  When that day is complete, I literally tick it off my calender.  Another good day. So yes it creates a conscious awareness of being in the now moment and not getting caught up in the fact that I have to stay on this diet till whenever.

I also find that when I do get into a bit of a funk or a bit low or emotional - I'm not automatically turning to food for comfort.  I'm figuring out why I get into those lows, was it something someone said, was it something I said or did? I then look for the solution. Before, it would be stuffing my face to try push that emotion/ feeling down or away - not that they ever get pushed down or go away, not unless you address the issue.

So the journey continues...
Yours in health!