For the very first time on this diet I felt low last night. I got home after visiting my mum and just, well hit a low. Small things during this week piled up on one another and just crushed me. I suffer from extremely bad hayfever. I've had tests done and so many things can trigger it off from ciggarette smoke, perfume to sunshine and trees. It is extremely frustrating and if you've never had extreme hayfever will not know what its like. If my nose is not blocked like it's packed with concrete, it's so runny I literally have to plug my with tissue or I sneeze so much, to the point of losing my breath. Then I have to deal with the itchyness - hell! The corners of my eyes and my eyeballs itch uncontrollably. My nose, inside and out itch. The sinuses itch. My lips, mouth, palate and throat itch. My inner ear and pina itch. My skin itches - it's pathetic and can push me to tears and outbursts. So there was that.
The second thing was my passport. I have turned my place upside down looking for it. I even went to the bank, the last place I remember using it and it wasn't there. The third thing is my car - the radiator gauge started climbing on Wednesday, so I've been keeping an eye on it and carrying water and filling the radiator as needed, don't know why the car is running hot as nothing has gone wrong.
Normally the above doesn't get to me and I'm always upbeat. Not so last night. I felt "weighed" down by it all. My normal habit, whenever I felt frustrated,irritated or low was to turn to food. I'd make myself something delicious - it numbed these feelings somewhat and I would generally 'feel better' - not that it did me any good you understand. So now that I'm breaking this habit, I was at war with myself last night. I knew I wasn't going to cheat - my will is such that only death will break it at this stage. The thought of cheating makes me physically ill - I would hate myself so much if I did that this time around. I knew this journey was going to be tough! So, here I had to turn away from doing what my usual habits dictate - it's like ripping myself in two and trust me, I do have the mental conversation going on, which at times does turn into verbalising.
I did have a cry, saying out loud "it's so hard" and "why does it have to be so hard". I didn't get to the 'why me' stage, I knew why already - my decisions lead me to where I am today. This then turned into questioning the universe, because now I didn't even feel like I'd lost any weight. I had a conversation with the universe that I'm walking this path, I'm putting in the effort and there is no way it was going to cheat me out of the results. This time it had to play fair with me. I had told the universe that it was very unfair in it's dealings, because the rich got richer, the poor poorer, the price of petrol is going up again, which of course will effect everything else, but lo and behold the universe wouldn't allow a decent pay increase. I also told the universe that it's mantra of putting out what you'd like to receive was bull shit and gave it the finger - literally. Anyway so I told the universe that it wasn't going to cheat me out of my reward - it's physics - so there!
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand this brings me to today! Today I can say I'm strong. This mountain will be moved. I will not give in. My phillosphy in life is to take something positive out of every situation. So what is the positive out of last nights craziness. I stuck to my guns. I held fast and I did not cheat. I did not numb my frustrations with food. I let them be, I faced them. I will get medication for my hayfever, I will have to get a new passport and I'll keep an eye on the radiator and if it continues to play up, will go get it checked out.
I started my morning with a scrambled egg mixed with 65g tomatoe, onion mushrooms and chilli. I wanted something warm as the day was cold and rainy. I also have made chicken and mushrooms and chilli for lunch, again, something warm and something a little more substantial than cheese and salad.
It's nearly weekend time again. I already have a braai to go to at a friends place. Another test of sticking it out I'm sure. Which means come Monday it will be day 21. That is my first goal - to reach 21 one days without a single cheat. I already know that I will achieve that goal - I feel it.
Go out and enjoy your time, your friends, your family. Make healthy decisions that ensure you will be here to continually enjoy those things that make you happy!
Hey Lou... Thumbs up to you for facing your demons! You have been so strong thus far!!! I know what it's like to turn to food for, well, pretty much everything... Eat when I am sad, bored, happy - you name it - if there is an emotion, there is a dish appropriate to it!
ReplyDeleteMy approach to getting rid of the weight this time round is different to all my previous attempts. I had this thing in my head that I couldn't do it if I wasn't paying money for it - the programme, the support, the weekly weigh-ins.
So I would pay over a couple of hundred rands, perhaps more... and get a huge rush out of the first few weigh-ins where I felt like a school kid receiving a gold star from a teacher.
But then I start to look better but I get bored, life happens which shakes me out of my groove, and I may miss a meeting or two. I start finding excuses for cheating and well... the diet train is derailed.
My weight stays relatively constant for a bit but I start to forget all the good eating habits I had gotten myself into. The weight starts creeping back up and I feel worse and worse with every additional kilogram added until I feel so awful that I can't continue any more and I resolve to lose weight... again.
Then I go into research mode - searching for some new miracle and at the same time go on a bit of a binge because "Eat now for tomorrow you shall be on diet". This last a few weeks until I commit to something and then... the whole thing starts again.
I was in research and "Eat now" mode just a few weeks ago and contemplating shelling out R 1500 a months for a session with some doctor and a daily hormone injection when I had something of an epiphany about my behaviour... So I decided to go it alone. This is about changing my lifestyle and joining something to lose 40 kilograms has clearly not worked thus far! I have discovered certain things about myself in my various diet endeavours like as much I love bread, it makes me feel shitty - so I am avoiding it. I feel better when I eat proteins, so I am going with that. Also, Xylitol is a fab subsitute for sugar, so I am using that in my hot drinks... I enjoy Tab, so I will just automatically opt for that instead of coke. Low fat milk tastes just the same as full cream, so I am buying LF instead. And portion sizes - I am making a point of dishing up small portions of each meal. Small changes which thus far seem to be making quite a difference. I also bought a scale, just to keep an eye on things, but I put it in a rarely used bathroom to avoid the temptation of hopping on it everytime I wee. I still need to work on my biscuit issues, but I have successfully resisted a slab of Cadbury's choc which is lying in my kitchen cupboard.
Hiya Boo. It is all those healthy choices that will make a difference and become part of your new lifestyle. Keep at it and keep resisting that choccie. Right now I need the structure and routine of a diet program. It's one less thing I need to think about. There will come a time when I have to put that aside though, that will be another chanllenge for another time. For now... to us! To healthier, slimmer us!!!
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