Day 3.

I've reached day three, just now it will be 7, then 14 then 21 - habit formed :) The goal is to maintain this for at least 6 months.  I am happy about this little milestone.

My joy though is robbed by friday the 13th blues.  Yup!  First up, as you'll know I'm temping, now the agency I go through didn't read my timesheet properly so today I sit with less money paid to me than what I should get. Now it's a whole issue for them to pay it through.....NO ONE BOTHERS TO FOLLOW UP!

Next up, I requested to meet with the sale manager of another local newspaper and asked if I could meet with her and discuss the possibilty of me temping for their staff.  She mentioned they have an advertising admin position available, but because I havehave an aunt that works there she would have to check the nepotism laws.  This aunt can in no way swing the favor in my direction as she is not in a senior position....that was 10 days ago.  I take the innitiative and follow up asking if I could then apply for that position IF it was allowed.  The response was that she hadn't checked with the Human Resources yet and that I cannot apply for a position that hasn't been advertised yet........**eyeroll**

These kind of things set me on edge - all I want to do is comfort myself with food.  I've just gotten myelf out of a hole and don't want to get back into it.  My mental state just keeps getting tested over and over and over again.  I just can't let it fall to pieces and have to try my best.  Jesus it's hard.

Next option is to apply for a job in Pretoria - an advertising sales position has come up. I don't really want to move to Pretoria, but right now I don't see that I have too much of a choice.  May just have to suck it up and go.

At least I celebrate day 3.

Cold Turkey

And that is not referring to actual cold turkey - which, if done correctly and with the right seasoning is delicious.

Cold turkey here means just doing it without easing yourself into it.  That is how I have to approach any diet.  I can't still have the coffee with milk and sugar, otherwise it will lead me down the path to a muffin that begs "eat me".  That means today is black coffee and since there is no sweetner around...bitter black coffee.  It's like drinking tequilla really, *sip* pull face, shiver inside and go in again.

This morning was a rush. I've been out of practise preparing my food that I nearly burnt my rashions.  I didn't have time to wolf down yoghurt so bought one at work - it wasn't plain but it was low fat.  I bought, what looking like a delicious juicy orange, but that turned into dry sour disappointment - I ate it though!  Eating an orange for me it quite an ordeal.  Peel it, plith it and then pull the capsules apart and eat the cells only.  I don't like the capsule if you will. Only the goodies inside, and as mentioned that was a let down.

Since I still have some canned goods and soya in my cupboard that I don't want to go to waste - stuff like chickepeas, beans, lentils, soya.  All very high in protein and low in fat. This means there will be many days that I'll be eating purely as a vegitarian and 96% vegan.    Today is chickpea curry.  I use the term curry here very lightly.  I have merely added a bit of chilli, garlic, dhana and curry powder - there are no other things thrown in to fortify this into a ligitimate curry.  Tis alright.

I'm excited and content to get back to eating healthy.  There is nothing under the sun I haven't tried or tested.

Doing this for me!  I know though, that when I reach my goal, and if there is a place where we go when we die, my uncle will be nodding and saying "knew you could do it all along.  Always had faith you would!"

To Life. To Feeling Better. To Health.

I'm baaaaaaaaaaack *in a sing songy type voice - not the creepy kind*

I can feel the tug of my consciousness.  It’s been tugging at me for a little while now but I just didn’t have the strength needed to act on it. 

My tight jeans that got lose on me are back to being tight and uncomfortable.

Yes I have put on a lot of the weight I lost.  I have to accept it and move on. I can’t keep wallowing.  Yes I have had an absolutely shit year!  God have I ever!  I have to accept it and move on.  All in all, rather put on weight from depression that taking my life.  I can still loose the weight.  If I had taken my life, well, you can’t come back from that one.

I’ve been guilting myself over putting on the weight.  I’ve been eating myself ‘happy’, and all through it, know that it won’t work.  After all the crap I’ve been through, the food was so comforting.  It was the only good / enjoyable thing I had to look forward too – and that is the truth.  I couldn’t face the day.  I was so depressed.

I know I’m not out of the woods just yet.  I’m still looking for a permanent job, but thank goodness for old contacts and my work ethic, I have survived these past months.  I can say that I am able to see the wood for the trees or visa versa – however that saying goes.

I’m in a place that I feel strong enough to act again.  Food doesn’t have to be my crutch any longer. I used that crutch but I’ve got to pull on my inner reserves.

I made a promise over a year ago, to my dying uncle, and though I have back tracked, I am determined as then to fulfill it.  *insert swearing* If only I had kept on track.

Where does this leave me…not quite back at square one, but I’ve got to summon up all that I have to get into action.  My start date is 11 July. By the 5^th of October, a year since my uncles’ death – I hope to be back at where I was before he died. 

I know weight loss should be for yourself and your own personal reasons.  I agree, to a point that is.  I’ve always been goal driven.  Meet this deadline, meet that deadline, and reach this or that target.  My goal right now is my health. At the end of every blog I always put Health Is Wealth.  And it really is.  Without your health you can be as rich as an oil sheik and it means absolutely nothing.

I am ready.  I can feel it mentally.  I can embrace this journey once again.  Yes I have plans for that very weekend that involve foodies, but my resolve is such that I will be able to take my own food and stick to the program.

Louise

Back to Black Coffee and Fructose

I sit here with a very resigned look on my face.  All the way back to step 5 - I haven't put on all the weight I lost but I have put on a lot of it. Yeah I've given my head the shake of dispair, I've been down in the gutter. I have felt absolutely shit about myself.

My life has been on a spiral - down.   The unhealthy spiral, the depressed spiral, the suicidal spiral.  Yeah, there have been such dark days where I saw no light whatsoever.

So out of the chaos what can I do?  Take back at least one aspect of control - my eating.

All the days of promising myself to get back on track have come to today. I've started and I'm already fantasising about a plate of fries!  Back to 21 days of habit breaking, back to lecturing myself, man I"m a record that goes round and round. 

If anything at least I know that the eating plan works!  I should lose the weight I've put on in a couple of months.  I know that I"ll be giving myself pep talks.  I've got to get back in control.  I was doing so brilliantly.

Now that my uncle has gone, I have to keep that promise I made...for me.

I start again.  Here I go.

Volunteering

....it not as easy as it would seem.  I've been doing quite a bit of research and you can't simply up and volunteer your services these days.  There are tons of questions and qualifications you need before you can even apply.  Some place like UNV (united nations volunteering) only considers people who have a tertiary degree - erm hello is not my time, desire to help enough these days, oh and my little bit of spanish?

I went from looking in Uganda (that is still on the cards by the way) to checking out something a little more closer in Lesotho - unfortunately nothing is happening there - okay I didn't really go all that deep into the search.

All I want to do is help - get out there, help others so that I can get out from this dark cloud of gloom.  I will perhpas look a lil closer to home and see if there is something I can do locally for now, see if I can cope.

A thought popped into my head....when things are going well there are so many well wishes, back patters, encouragement, yet when things turn...not so much hey. 

...........................and I have nothing else to share or rather I just don't want too.

Jumping like a Flea...

....from idea to idea.  What do I want to do with my life now that I no longer have a permanent job.  The obvious answer to that would be to find another job.  The thing is, I don't want to go into another soul distroying position.  I don't want to spend the next 30 years or so until retirement plodding along at something that doesn't give me a sense of wowness. 

Maybe that is why I have been so down.  I haven't don't anything that wows' me, in a long time.

I've looked at nursing - especially oncology nursing - that however takes studying and university for 4 years before I am a registered nurse - time and money - money is tight due to the work issue.

Volunteering in Peru?  I was all up for that until I realised it was going to cost me a  $1000 or so a week to volunteer my services - besides the airfare.

Okay so what about something closer to home and to my heart.  Uganda and children!  What a combination.  The airfare is reasonable - R5500-R6800.  The cost for purely volunteering is 400 euros.  If I want to do any adventuring whilst there (which is always a bonus) it's an extra 1000 euros.

So what do I do? Do I go into dull mainstream work again, nuring, volunteering.  My inners say volunteering, which means I've also got to get into tip top shape physically and mentally and I?have to start raising the funds to get there.  The volunteering with children in Uganda has stirred me.  I love children, I love nuturing, and I would very much like to give of my time and of me ... funds permitting.

I'm going to open up a serperate fund raising account and start trying to get the funds in.  Ultimately I'd like to be able to take books,pens,clothes with me.  When I start in ernst please help me to help others. 

So I mentioned getting into tip top shape physically.  Yip - that is going to go into overdrive.  I haven't forgotten my promise I made, I've slipped back but I'm going to claw my way out.

Please stand on the sidelines with your pompoms, cheers and encouragements.  I'm going to NEED them more than ever, more than before.  As you know I've been so very down and dark. I know that it is only up to me, I know that and it's a difficult prospect but I am going to try once again.  Heavy lifting. H E A V Y lifting. Whew, people I don't know hey - I'm weighed down before I've started.

Do you know it takes 21 days to break a habit............

Where am I?

It's been nearly two months since I sat down at a computer screen and put my thoughts to paper, or rather to keyboard. 

As I type that I shake my head - not because I haven't kept up to date or because I haven't got anything to say - rather it is that so much has gone on, so much has been negative that I don't know how to put it down or put it across.

I guess the best thing is for me to just say it like it is: forgive me if some of the stuff has been repeated but I do have a need to just get it out.

I had such high high hopes for this new year.  I had a new job to look forward too, away from stresses, away from negativity.  I did tackle the new prospect with such vigor.  I phoned my butt off setting up appointment, driving myself forward, putting myself out there, canvassing new business, driving down to the south coast on numerous occassions to sign renewals and try generate new revenue.  What I came across was a number of disgruntled clients, people didn't want to renew their business becuase of the experiences they had with my new employer.  People were not as excited about the products as I was lead to believe.  It felt like I was begging clients for their business and when they did sign, I honestly didn't feel great about it, because it felt as if forced.

When my contract eventually came around and was amended 3 or 4 times, I was NOT happy with it.  What we had spoken about in the interviews didn't transpire in the contract.  My salary was now a forward draw - hello??? "Oh but wasn't that explained to you?""  ""No, it was going to be a three months' salary of R10 000, I wouldn't get any com unless are reach a R50 000 target, there after it would be 20-25% comission""  No no no, we don't work like this, we've been going for 104 years"  It became a back and forward 'thing' and my stress levels started mounting.  Then I start finding out that other people are in fact no making a living, unless you call R1600 a month before petrol a living.  I found out that even the person that I had the interview with hadn't been paid - why didn't she say something to me before I handed in my resignation. Then it turned out that if I didn't reach R50 000 a month, whatever I had been paid, I would owe the company.  Plus everything (petrol, toll, phone calls_ were fore my expense. Oh so that travel they were speacking about, for my own expense.  The figures they said they were printing were inflated - to date the number of printed copies they state on their web site is a lie!!! 

I couldn't sleep, I couldn't focus, I was eating myself and my mother out of house and home.  Under stress I eat, when I'm happy I don't feel that need I have to fill, that numbing sensation of being constantly full. 

I discussed the situation with the sales manager and though she had kind words I didn't beleive a thing she told me.  If they really had my best interest at heart they would have stuck to what was verbally agreed too.  I told the company I had to leave, that I had never come across such unprofessional behavior in all my years of working. Their 104 years of being in business means nothing if they don't know how to run a good professional business.  In short I was conned! 

I had to leave - I was literally out of pocket and running at a loss.  I handed in my resignation.  On the day I got my UIF form, they had stated I wasn't a contributor and yet in the contract it stated they would be paying the UIF.  I was so mad, I was shaking - I had to just get out of that enviroment as quickly as I could before I totally lost my cool.  Through out this entire procedure I had kept my cool.

They were going to amend the UIF form.  I got it in the post the other day, Amended to say that I was a contributer and yet the GROSS salary that was noted down was in fact the NET salary - again 104 years means nothing if you can't do they job right, even a second time around - I am yet to contact them to amend the form again and to let them know that it is a serious offence to lie.

So now what?  I only have a little money to last me 5 months.  I still have bills I have to pay. I went for an interview with a university, but after spending a day with them the amount of work and the amount of stress I would be under was not worth the pitence they were offering.

Pride in pocket, I went to my very first employer, Independent Newspapers,  chatted to the Sales Manager and have landed a 6 week temping gig.  There after I don't know.....

During all this time I got very very very VERY low.  In all my years it is the lowest I have ever been, to the point that I will openly admit to being suicidal.  I had chosen the date and the means of how I would take myself out of the world.  I had written 2 notes.  I had told a very close friend, told him why, he reasoned with me and tried to highlight the good in my life. I have always put other people before me, I have always done my very best in everything I tackle from working to preparing meals for friends.  I have helped poor people, I have done what I can.  I am a good person, I don't harm anyone, I respect peoples' beliefs, sexuality, whatever.  I try give people a break, a luck. I have become jaded with regards to the world I live in, to the people living in it.  I simply don't want to be here.

 I have also lost belief in a god.  This, to some will come as a huge shock, especially as I come from a god believing family and have believed in a god for most of my life.  After considering all logic and contemplating / meditating over this god issue, I have come to my conclusion: There is no god.

I felt like an utter failure.  I felt that I had absolutely nothing to live for.  There was nothing for me. I have had a rethink about committing suicide - or perhaps it's just on hold.

My gran had a mini stroke.  She was first rushed to Addington, the rush did no good as we waited for 3 hours, it was then decided to take her to McCords'.  She was seen too and it was confirmed as a mini stroke.  She recovered!  Thanks to my family, thank the doctors, thank the medication.

2 weeks later I took my gran for breakfast at wimpy at sun coast.  She started feeling giddy, then she couldn't see and then she started shaking, and then she totally blacked out and started falling out of her chair.  I caught her.  I though she had died.  I laid her on the floor and dialled my aunt, her daughter and Lyn could hear that utter panic in my voice.  2 gentleman came and picked her up and put her in the cool of the interior.  Perhaps it was the jerking movement, she sat up and vomitted.  I have never been so relieved in all my life that the vomit was a joyous sight.  The paramedics came, took her vitals, and I took her home.  She has been under strict orders from the family to relax.  She has had her check up at the hospital and well it's just a bad / weak heart that comes with old age.

She keeps telling me she doesn't have long to go and that she knows her time to depart this world is soon. 

It was my dead uncles' birthday yesturday.  He would have been 57.

So why did I decide to put my death on hold.  Simply - I won't put my gran through that. 

I don't know what life holds. I know very little happiness.  I go from day to day doing what I must to complete a job/service, to help and then there is nothing.

There has been no weightloss these past months, only weight gain.

I urged you all to live your best life.  Do that which makes you happy.

The second month knocks

Wow! I can't believe!  February is around the corner.  My new job has been keeping me very busy.  There was only one moment of doubt - if I had done the right thing.  Was I too quick to resign my old post?  Did I know what I had gotten in too? What I had left behind?  That lasted one night.

As with everything new, I guess, we do have a little doubt that may creep in.  Simply because it is new.  Of course I also want to perform, I want to bring in good figures.  Not to impress anyone, not to be the star employee, simply to do my job as best I can.

That is what I do every day.  I put my best foot forward and go into each phone call, each appointment with a good attitude, positiveness and know that I have that moment to work with.  Some people will accept what I have to say about my product, some will not.  Some will keep their appointments and some will not.  I can only do my best, and you know what, sometimes even that is not good enough for some.  I have had some really cool meetings. 

The diet is still swinging too and fro.  My mother has taken up the call once again and been so good.  I have gone out and bought all the groceries so we are going back on track.  Never know what tomorrow may bring and I may have to rely on my good looks to help me out :)  Nah, still for health baby! Health is still true wealth, for without it - well you just can't do what you used to be able to do.

I'm reading another marvelous book called "Awareness" by Osho.  Brilliant book about how asleep eveyone is, even in their wake. All I can encourage people is to be aware of the moment they are in.  In really benefits everything.  Eg:  If you are dieting - be aware as you eat and drink - you will notice more what is going into your mouth.  If you are speaking - be aware how and what you say to people - you will notice more what is coming out of your mouth.  Open your eyes and really see - you will notice people, you will automatically get a sense of a deep connection not only to people but to nature, the cosmos, god.

I was travelling down the south coast and it was one of those truly beautiful days we get in south africa.  The ocean was to the left of me, green rolling hills to the right, the open road in front of me and huge wide open blue sky.  That is when I noticed a cabbage patch.  Rows and rows of cabbages, just growing and being a cabbage.  Quite happy to share their space with other cabbages, not worried about if they were growing right, if their leaves would develope.  They were just being cabbages.  It made me laugh out loud.  I was going to follow that example.  I am going to just be me.  I'm not talking about, Louise, the woman on diet trying to lose weight, or Louise, the sales rep, trying to bring in figures. Me, as in life.  I am life - I don't have a life - I am that life.  I will be that life.

I encourage you to feel that life - it's not that you just can breathe and thus are life.  Machines can do that for you today as you lie in a hospital bed.  Be that life.  Feel that life - I mean that literally - close your eyes and feel the life in you, in every cell.  You won't be able to contain the smile.

Oh and the car! Running like a dream!  At the end of the day it cost just under R10 000.  My dad has very very kindly gone halvies with me.  Uncle Norman did a fabulous job, as I knew he would.  The car is purring better than when she was new. 

This weekend is a big tennis weekend in Oz - Vamos Nadal Vamos!  I do fancy the spanish player.

Remember to follow your dreams, even if they seem stupid to others, feel your aliveness, be aware to what is happening.

Be happy.

Goodbye 2011

What a year 2011 has been.  It has been filled with pain, tears, trauma, death, financial loss.  It has also been filled with love, kindness, joy, happy tears, enlightenment, weightloss and self knowledge.  How I have truly grown and shrunk in so many areas of life.

Christmas was a family affair - and I enjoyed it.  I do treasure my family and the time I get with them.

I wave goodbye to 2011 - it is now firmly in the past, there is absolutely nothing I can do that will change it.  It is gone, written in stone.

My New Year's Eve was one of the quietest I have experienced in my adult years.  I was at home by myself (well at my mum's place), not totally alone, there was Esther the dog and a bottle of 2006 Merlot.  I cheered the year off in peace and quiet.  All I want for 2012 is less drama, health and peace.  It really is that simple.

The car saga is simply - overhauling the entire engine.  This will ensure that my car is in tip top shape for the next few years.  In the short term a big cash outflow but in long term - it makes good sense to do this now.

I'll be starting my new job in a few days.  I cannot say that it will be greener on the other side.  Each new place may have it's own problems, but this is what I chose.  I didn't want to fight with anyone anymore and it started gettting like that in the previous company.  I didn't want to spend another year unhappy in my job.  I still love advertising and hope to bring excellent service to my existing client base and to my new potential clients.

So with all the festivities over it is time to get my butt into gear about the weightloss programme once again.  I've been on and off these past weeks but am at the point where I want to go gunho (is that right???) again.  I do wish I could've gone gunho altogether but realistically I do enjoy my food soooo much - but I also know I did use it as a crutch again - for a bit when I went through "the dark days".  Not as much as I usually would have - something to work on.

I encourage everyone who is working on something to keep having a go.  Keep trying.  Don't throw away the hard work you have put into it.

I have done a lot of soul digging too.  A book called "A New Earth"  by Eckhart Tolle has been instrumental in understanding the ego and the awareness that pretty much sits and watches - that voice in your head.  No no I'm not scitszo - you know of what I speak.  We all have that voice - be it gut, intuition, whatever name you want to give it, it's something that knows more than our thinking mind.  We tend to be driven by the thinking mind.  Anyway what I'm trying to get at is that I have or I am learning to separate my ego and emotions from who I truly am.  I am not a sales assistant, I am not the fat girl, I am not this or that - that doesn't tell you who I am it merley tells you what I do, what I look like - it doesn't let you in.  If I've lost you - do yourself a favor and get the book and read it - I assure you - it will be life changing.  If not, that is okay too.

I was clearing out some old books yesturday and came across my uncle's class two or perhaps standard one work book.  It must have been 45 years old.  There was his hand writing in the innocence of youth, not knowing where his life would lead.  I wept a little, not because of his passing, but because I thought of that young boy with all his dreams and ambitions ahead of him. 

Follow your dreams.  If you have one thing you want to do - what would it be?  Why aren't you doing it?  I asked myself that question.  The answer to it was fear of failing, fear of that dream not being able to sustain me.  Instead of throwing that dream away, believing it to never be realised I am working towards it.  I am taking steps that will help me realise that dream.

To friends, family - near and far - love your families, love yourself, follow your dreams.
May 2012 be the year where you realise something magnificent, may it astound you and may you smile inside and out.

To 2012 and beyond.
Louise.