It's been nearly two months since I sat down at a computer screen and put my thoughts to paper, or rather to keyboard.
As I type that I shake my head - not because I haven't kept up to date or because I haven't got anything to say - rather it is that so much has gone on, so much has been negative that I don't know how to put it down or put it across.
I guess the best thing is for me to just say it like it is: forgive me if some of the stuff has been repeated but I do have a need to just get it out.
I had such high high hopes for this new year. I had a new job to look forward too, away from stresses, away from negativity. I did tackle the new prospect with such vigor. I phoned my butt off setting up appointment, driving myself forward, putting myself out there, canvassing new business, driving down to the south coast on numerous occassions to sign renewals and try generate new revenue. What I came across was a number of disgruntled clients, people didn't want to renew their business becuase of the experiences they had with my new employer. People were not as excited about the products as I was lead to believe. It felt like I was begging clients for their business and when they did sign, I honestly didn't feel great about it, because it felt as if forced.
When my contract eventually came around and was amended 3 or 4 times, I was NOT happy with it. What we had spoken about in the interviews didn't transpire in the contract. My salary was now a forward draw - hello??? "Oh but wasn't that explained to you?"" ""No, it was going to be a three months' salary of R10 000, I wouldn't get any com unless are reach a R50 000 target, there after it would be 20-25% comission"" No no no, we don't work like this, we've been going for 104 years" It became a back and forward 'thing' and my stress levels started mounting. Then I start finding out that other people are in fact no making a living, unless you call R1600 a month before petrol a living. I found out that even the person that I had the interview with hadn't been paid - why didn't she say something to me before I handed in my resignation. Then it turned out that if I didn't reach R50 000 a month, whatever I had been paid, I would owe the company. Plus everything (petrol, toll, phone calls_ were fore my expense. Oh so that travel they were speacking about, for my own expense. The figures they said they were printing were inflated - to date the number of printed copies they state on their web site is a lie!!!
I couldn't sleep, I couldn't focus, I was eating myself and my mother out of house and home. Under stress I eat, when I'm happy I don't feel that need I have to fill, that numbing sensation of being constantly full.
I discussed the situation with the sales manager and though she had kind words I didn't beleive a thing she told me. If they really had my best interest at heart they would have stuck to what was verbally agreed too. I told the company I had to leave, that I had never come across such unprofessional behavior in all my years of working. Their 104 years of being in business means nothing if they don't know how to run a good professional business. In short I was conned!
I had to leave - I was literally out of pocket and running at a loss. I handed in my resignation. On the day I got my UIF form, they had stated I wasn't a contributor and yet in the contract it stated they would be paying the UIF. I was so mad, I was shaking - I had to just get out of that enviroment as quickly as I could before I totally lost my cool. Through out this entire procedure I had kept my cool.
They were going to amend the UIF form. I got it in the post the other day, Amended to say that I was a contributer and yet the GROSS salary that was noted down was in fact the NET salary - again 104 years means nothing if you can't do they job right, even a second time around - I am yet to contact them to amend the form again and to let them know that it is a serious offence to lie.
So now what? I only have a little money to last me 5 months. I still have bills I have to pay. I went for an interview with a university, but after spending a day with them the amount of work and the amount of stress I would be under was not worth the pitence they were offering.
Pride in pocket, I went to my very first employer, Independent Newspapers, chatted to the Sales Manager and have landed a 6 week temping gig. There after I don't know.....
During all this time I got very very very VERY low. In all my years it is the lowest I have ever been, to the point that I will openly admit to being suicidal. I had chosen the date and the means of how I would take myself out of the world. I had written 2 notes. I had told a very close friend, told him why, he reasoned with me and tried to highlight the good in my life. I have always put other people before me, I have always done my very best in everything I tackle from working to preparing meals for friends. I have helped poor people, I have done what I can. I am a good person, I don't harm anyone, I respect peoples' beliefs, sexuality, whatever. I try give people a break, a luck. I have become jaded with regards to the world I live in, to the people living in it. I simply don't want to be here.
I have also lost belief in a god. This, to some will come as a huge shock, especially as I come from a god believing family and have believed in a god for most of my life. After considering all logic and contemplating / meditating over this god issue, I have come to my conclusion: There is no god.
I felt like an utter failure. I felt that I had absolutely nothing to live for. There was nothing for me. I have had a rethink about committing suicide - or perhaps it's just on hold.
My gran had a mini stroke. She was first rushed to Addington, the rush did no good as we waited for 3 hours, it was then decided to take her to McCords'. She was seen too and it was confirmed as a mini stroke. She recovered! Thanks to my family, thank the doctors, thank the medication.
2 weeks later I took my gran for breakfast at wimpy at sun coast. She started feeling giddy, then she couldn't see and then she started shaking, and then she totally blacked out and started falling out of her chair. I caught her. I though she had died. I laid her on the floor and dialled my aunt, her daughter and Lyn could hear that utter panic in my voice. 2 gentleman came and picked her up and put her in the cool of the interior. Perhaps it was the jerking movement, she sat up and vomitted. I have never been so relieved in all my life that the vomit was a joyous sight. The paramedics came, took her vitals, and I took her home. She has been under strict orders from the family to relax. She has had her check up at the hospital and well it's just a bad / weak heart that comes with old age.
She keeps telling me she doesn't have long to go and that she knows her time to depart this world is soon.
It was my dead uncles' birthday yesturday. He would have been 57.
So why did I decide to put my death on hold. Simply - I won't put my gran through that.
I don't know what life holds. I know very little happiness. I go from day to day doing what I must to complete a job/service, to help and then there is nothing.
There has been no weightloss these past months, only weight gain.
I urged you all to live your best life. Do that which makes you happy.
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