I came into work after 2 days rest feeling so happy with life, feeling like all that I invision for my weightloss journey will coming to pass, that with lots of saving, help from my mother and father and a loan I'd be able to have the surgery I would need after this weightloss. I know I will need surgery on my stomach and boobs because of the excess skin.
I decided to be proactive and get various quotes now.
Well the quotes I have received so far have literally floored me, and it's not the surgeons fees it is hospitilasation. R 70 000 - that is not with the surgeons fee of R40 000, the anethitest of R14 000 and the assistant fee of R6000 - grand total is R130 000 - I was hoping for something in the region of R80 000, but bad luck for me.
Let me tell you how this effects me. I burst into tears. All the hard work I have put into this whole thing and all the hard work I will have to put into it still will mean nothing. I will still hate my body, perhaps even more because now it's really going to look ugly and I will have no choice but to live with it. I'll never want to be intimate with anyone every again because for a woman if you don't feel good about yourself, well that's it, it's not going to happen......If I hate myself still, how do I help and give hope to others.
I'm upset. I can feel bad feelings of being overwhelmed and getting sucked into a black hole arising.
What is the point of continuing trying to lose weight if I'm just going to hate myself anyway at the end of it all.
So that is where I'm at today. My dream shattered. No way of finding a solution to this because I simply cannot afford it and even with help from my parents can't. I will have to find a way of just accepting this, making my peace with it and put it aside. There really is nothing else I can do.
You may wonder why this is effecting me so hugely. My whole life I have lived for others, my whole life I have put myself far down the list, my whole life or most of it I have been overweight, my whole life I have never ever liked the body I live in - I don't want to live like that anymore. I want to be fit, slim, healthy and enjoy being in my body, when something like that is taken away by a quote - well there really aren't proper words to describe how I feel, how do you put into words seeing your dreams, aspirations and all that you hoped drift away from you and there is nothing nothing nothing you can do about it.
I guess from today I have to make peace that it's not meant for me.
Wednesday, 31 August 2011
Wednesday, 24 August 2011
Ouch!
It's been over a year since my uncle was diagnosed with cancer, over a year since my cousins' marriage in the Uk and over a year since I did regular physical excercise.
The program I've been on does mention that you shouldn't excercise too excessively - simply because you are not eating enough fuel. Saying that though, I've recently been feeling like my arms and legs have ants in them. I call this nervous energy and I know why - I have a lot going on, my uncle is getting worse, I'm not focusing like before and I need to burn this energy up.
I started walking. Remember, no regular physical exercise for over a year. So I decided to start off with an easy walk around my local racecourse. It's about 3km - 3.5km around the whole racecourse. I started this past Monday, not gunhoe, but a reasonable pace to elevate my heart rate and get me flushed. I will walk every day (at least 5 times a week), I will then increase to twice around the course. Cardio fitness is my aim for now. I don't want to launch into gyming and weights straight away, because I know how my body works and this time around I'm listening to my body, and will give it what it needs and what it can handle. I don't want to push any trigers that will throw me off course.
I'm due for my 3rd walk tonight and man I can feel all those unused muscles protesting. My shins, my glutes, my thighs and even my lats (I don't know how that figures in it, perhaps the swager of the walk) - all of them are creaking, moaning and paining. It feels great! I'm moving again - moving with intent. Moving towards my goal, aiding my weightloss plan and at a healthy pace.
My passion for health, fitness and good nutritian is growing with every day, to the extent that I want to make a career change and go into this full time and really help overweight people. They will get heartfelt, excellent advice from someone that DID IT! Not some Barbie or Ken that has never battled with weight (in saying this I know there are trainers out there that do care, again though you have never been in "our" shoes). People will know that I did it and if I did it, so can they, I can provide them with healthy tools to get them on their way. I'll be enrolling in the Health and Fitness Professional Association of South Africa next year July.
For now regardless of aches and pains, my mind is on track. I feel focused again. Worked off a lot of negativity and iffiness I'd been carrying for the last 10 days or so. The walk gave me that extra needed oomph, and it stilled my 'ants'.
I have also finally completed my little mosaic handbag - for those of you that didn't know, I have been going to mosaic classes. I find it so theraputic to think about nothing else but little tiles and sticking them down for three hours. It's a type of meditation for me. In those 3 hours a week I don't have to think about illnesses, work, diets, bills - just my tiles and my project at hand. I will take a pic of the complete mosic bag and put it up. My second project is for my friends mum - she has a gecko wall. Well I've called it her gecko wall. There are families of geckos living on that wall along with a mirror, wire and candle gecko. I'm doing a bright mosaic one for her - tadaa. Proud to say I drew the gecko freehand and that it's come along very nicely - that too will be showcased. Yes - I do take on work - so if you want something done - contact me.
In other good news, my cousins are coming down from the UK. First one arrives today and the second with wifey arrives on friday. I haven't seen them for nearly a year. It's going to be awesome. They will get to spend time with their uncle and have their serious, fun and sad moments. My little family will be together and we'll help each other through this. My uncle has gotten a lot worse and we don't think he's going to last too much longer. I'm so happy he has gotten to see me at least start this journey, he has seen that I mean business and I know that he is so proud of me. He knew I could do it, I knew I could do it - here I am people...doing it every day. I will carry on until I have reached my goal, and I will continue to maintain and help all that I can.
From me to you - health is wealth, treasure it.
The program I've been on does mention that you shouldn't excercise too excessively - simply because you are not eating enough fuel. Saying that though, I've recently been feeling like my arms and legs have ants in them. I call this nervous energy and I know why - I have a lot going on, my uncle is getting worse, I'm not focusing like before and I need to burn this energy up.
I started walking. Remember, no regular physical exercise for over a year. So I decided to start off with an easy walk around my local racecourse. It's about 3km - 3.5km around the whole racecourse. I started this past Monday, not gunhoe, but a reasonable pace to elevate my heart rate and get me flushed. I will walk every day (at least 5 times a week), I will then increase to twice around the course. Cardio fitness is my aim for now. I don't want to launch into gyming and weights straight away, because I know how my body works and this time around I'm listening to my body, and will give it what it needs and what it can handle. I don't want to push any trigers that will throw me off course.
I'm due for my 3rd walk tonight and man I can feel all those unused muscles protesting. My shins, my glutes, my thighs and even my lats (I don't know how that figures in it, perhaps the swager of the walk) - all of them are creaking, moaning and paining. It feels great! I'm moving again - moving with intent. Moving towards my goal, aiding my weightloss plan and at a healthy pace.
My passion for health, fitness and good nutritian is growing with every day, to the extent that I want to make a career change and go into this full time and really help overweight people. They will get heartfelt, excellent advice from someone that DID IT! Not some Barbie or Ken that has never battled with weight (in saying this I know there are trainers out there that do care, again though you have never been in "our" shoes). People will know that I did it and if I did it, so can they, I can provide them with healthy tools to get them on their way. I'll be enrolling in the Health and Fitness Professional Association of South Africa next year July.
For now regardless of aches and pains, my mind is on track. I feel focused again. Worked off a lot of negativity and iffiness I'd been carrying for the last 10 days or so. The walk gave me that extra needed oomph, and it stilled my 'ants'.
I have also finally completed my little mosaic handbag - for those of you that didn't know, I have been going to mosaic classes. I find it so theraputic to think about nothing else but little tiles and sticking them down for three hours. It's a type of meditation for me. In those 3 hours a week I don't have to think about illnesses, work, diets, bills - just my tiles and my project at hand. I will take a pic of the complete mosic bag and put it up. My second project is for my friends mum - she has a gecko wall. Well I've called it her gecko wall. There are families of geckos living on that wall along with a mirror, wire and candle gecko. I'm doing a bright mosaic one for her - tadaa. Proud to say I drew the gecko freehand and that it's come along very nicely - that too will be showcased. Yes - I do take on work - so if you want something done - contact me.
In other good news, my cousins are coming down from the UK. First one arrives today and the second with wifey arrives on friday. I haven't seen them for nearly a year. It's going to be awesome. They will get to spend time with their uncle and have their serious, fun and sad moments. My little family will be together and we'll help each other through this. My uncle has gotten a lot worse and we don't think he's going to last too much longer. I'm so happy he has gotten to see me at least start this journey, he has seen that I mean business and I know that he is so proud of me. He knew I could do it, I knew I could do it - here I am people...doing it every day. I will carry on until I have reached my goal, and I will continue to maintain and help all that I can.
From me to you - health is wealth, treasure it.
Thursday, 18 August 2011
Regrets......
I have a couple of regrets: 1 - didn't lose weight sooner 2 - didn't leave the JW religion sooner 3 - didn't do the sports I wanted too: tennins & swimming (due to 1 & 2) I have to accept those regrets, make peace with them and then choose to live a life that I believe I am worthy of.
In saying that though I am taking back control of my life and will from now on live without regret, so that when I get to my death bed I will look back on my life and know it was a good life. People are telling me that I can't do certain things - I'm going to do things that make me happy and if I want to give up work for a year and travel at the age of 35 or 40 - I will make plans to do just that!
I've read this below a number of times and want to share it with those that perhaps have not come across it. It is so true! I challenge all of you to live a life without regrets, starting from today. It truly is in your control.
Top Five Regrets: by By Bronnie Ware
For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives.
People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learned never to underestimate someone's capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them. When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:
1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
This was the most common regret of all. When people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people have had not honored even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.
It is very important to try and honor at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realize, until they no longer have it.
2. I wish I didn't work so hard.
This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence. By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.
3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.
Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result. We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
Often they would not truly realize the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying. It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realize until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.
When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying. Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness. *end*
The above does seems very obvious doesn't it, but ask yourself if you honestly get it. We all let the little every day worries get us down trodden and we lose our way. We all have the power not to be the victim, we all have the power to pull ourselves up out of the rut and move forward and upward to the life we want for ourselves. I know we all believe that if we had more money we'd be happy, sure more money makes certain things easier, but you can be financially wise with your money if you are working and make healthier decisions in that area too - you'll realise then that money isn't everything.
God I really just want to inject some positiveness into your minds, your hearts, your lives. Life is what we make of it. Live yours to the very best you can. I've started living mine.
All types of health: mental, financial, love, physical are the true wealth of this world
In saying that though I am taking back control of my life and will from now on live without regret, so that when I get to my death bed I will look back on my life and know it was a good life. People are telling me that I can't do certain things - I'm going to do things that make me happy and if I want to give up work for a year and travel at the age of 35 or 40 - I will make plans to do just that!
I've read this below a number of times and want to share it with those that perhaps have not come across it. It is so true! I challenge all of you to live a life without regrets, starting from today. It truly is in your control.
Top Five Regrets: by By Bronnie Ware
For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives.
People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learned never to underestimate someone's capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them. When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:
1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
This was the most common regret of all. When people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people have had not honored even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.
It is very important to try and honor at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realize, until they no longer have it.
2. I wish I didn't work so hard.
This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence. By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.
3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.
Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result. We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
Often they would not truly realize the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying. It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realize until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.
When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying. Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness. *end*
The above does seems very obvious doesn't it, but ask yourself if you honestly get it. We all let the little every day worries get us down trodden and we lose our way. We all have the power not to be the victim, we all have the power to pull ourselves up out of the rut and move forward and upward to the life we want for ourselves. I know we all believe that if we had more money we'd be happy, sure more money makes certain things easier, but you can be financially wise with your money if you are working and make healthier decisions in that area too - you'll realise then that money isn't everything.
God I really just want to inject some positiveness into your minds, your hearts, your lives. Life is what we make of it. Live yours to the very best you can. I've started living mine.
All types of health: mental, financial, love, physical are the true wealth of this world
Head Space.
I haven't been in the best head space lately. Feeling a little blue and it could be for a number of reasons: the cold weather is getting to me, I've been feeling so nauseous, a bit snotty, my uncle, nothing fits me anymore and just out of sorts. In order to combat the nauseous I've been having heavier food - more starch, but all that has done is bring me down even more, so from today I'm just going to go back to my eating plan and hopefully this icky feeling will pass (it's been over a week).
I feel stuck in a rut, with work and with the diet. I'm a little bored. A little irritated with one or two mates and I don't feel like I want to reach out and make contact. I pretty much feel that if you don't make the effort, don't expect me too either.
So yeah, just blue. I could do with a cup of comfort tea = Rooibos with milk and sugar.
On the positive side I'm going to send my CV to a company, just want to put my feelers out there. I also want to start walking...perhaps that what all the above is about. I want to get a bit more active and release those good endorphines. Nothing hectic just a couple laps around the local racecourse - about a 3.4km walk around. Once summer comes I'm definitely going to going for a few lengths in the swimming pool.
What I got to do right now though is pull myself out of the funk. Bring myself back into line and focus. I keep telling myself that it's not like anything bad is happening or that I've lost control. Just not functioning at my optimum.
The good thing is that I'm aware of this state and can see it and work in a direction that will lift me up. I'm going to have some energy tea, my vitamins and put a smile on my dial.
When down, got to pick myself up and not allow myself to wallow.
Mental & Physical health is true wealth.
I feel stuck in a rut, with work and with the diet. I'm a little bored. A little irritated with one or two mates and I don't feel like I want to reach out and make contact. I pretty much feel that if you don't make the effort, don't expect me too either.
So yeah, just blue. I could do with a cup of comfort tea = Rooibos with milk and sugar.
On the positive side I'm going to send my CV to a company, just want to put my feelers out there. I also want to start walking...perhaps that what all the above is about. I want to get a bit more active and release those good endorphines. Nothing hectic just a couple laps around the local racecourse - about a 3.4km walk around. Once summer comes I'm definitely going to going for a few lengths in the swimming pool.
What I got to do right now though is pull myself out of the funk. Bring myself back into line and focus. I keep telling myself that it's not like anything bad is happening or that I've lost control. Just not functioning at my optimum.
The good thing is that I'm aware of this state and can see it and work in a direction that will lift me up. I'm going to have some energy tea, my vitamins and put a smile on my dial.
When down, got to pick myself up and not allow myself to wallow.
Mental & Physical health is true wealth.
Wednesday, 10 August 2011
Lately I just don't want to eat....
That is true! I just don't want to prepare the food and eat it. Being on this diet is labour entensive. You have to get whatever it is you want out of the fridge, weigh and measure and 9 times out of 10 - cook it, don't forget you then got to get your herbs out and garlic in order to make it taste decent. After an hour of squatting, vacuuming and dusting, the last thing I want to is cook.
Okay rewind: Let me give you a brief summary of my weekend! Friday night was off to friends to go over spanish and, well that was it, go over spanish. Slept over and since I was planning on sleeping over the following night had to make sure that I was super prepared and get all meals ready - weighed and measured.
Saturday popped up and had a quick breakie of scrambled egg with onion and tomatoe while Jaryd ran around and got ready for spanish. Shot off for a 2 hour spanish class - which was SUPER CONFUSING!!! Verbs ending in AR, ER, IR have differnt endings if it is first person, second person, female, male, singular, plural - mind blowing stuff. After that 2 hour episode I could have done with a glass of wine to soothe the brain, but alas couldn't have that, so next best thing was puppies and fruit salad. Yay! I didn't have to prepare the fruit salad, I could choose the fruit I wanted and eat it. Joy!
Jaryd and I spent the rest of the afternoon working on his spanish assignment - I reckon we rocked it and am hoping for a good mark! Saturday night we had friends over for a braai, I had to make my own mince dish of course, which again = labour entensive, but I've got to do what I got to do. We rocked out on guitar hero and sing star till about 4:30 am - I had 2 little cuts of beef in this time as I was jumping around and after 5 hours got hungry again.
Woke up late on Sunday, had a quick breakie of scrambled egg again and didn't have time to make my lunch. I was taking my gran out for the day, which included lunch and didn't want to eat at a restaurant. Shot off picked up the gran and headed off to visit my uncle. Fast forward to lunch, my brother had joined us, which was a blessing as I might have had something more fattening than I did - he keeps a very strict eye on me, so I ended up having the chicken salad with feta and avo. I only ate half of the salad and know that I didn't exceed the protein quota at all because the chicken was only 4 measely thin strips, I am allowed feta and again definitely not enough to cover the protein quote. I did enjoy the avo!!!! - you get an eye for quantity on this diet. Gave the rest of the salad to my gran and brother - R55 for half a salad! Staying on track - priceless.
Monday = day off and lazed around.
Tuesday went to clean my uncles bedroom. It needed to have a good clean, move things out (like the bed) so that we can get a hospital bed into the room and just create more space for when he returns from hospice. Since my gran's vacuum cleaner doesn't stand up you have to lunge and then squat and vacuum, great for those leg and glutius maxiumus muscles! So come lunch time, I cut a quick 45g cheese and two crackers - didn't even feel like the veggies - so I didn't. Tuesday night I really didn't want to eat anything that I had to cook. Not that I want to pig out on pizza or anything like that. I could have done with cereal! or egg on toast. Something quick and simple with as little effort as possible. That can get frustrating - the fact that I can't just whip up something other than protein and veg, which inevitably has to be cooked. **sigh** Such is the life of a dieter.
I do feel thinner, in that I can feel my bones more, definately around my elbows, knees, chest and neck. I am getting tired (a bit) of the same foods, but I know I just got to hang in a little while longer. Got to see this to the end and can't give up. I give myself little inspirational talks every day. I have to remind myself about the baby steps: one step / one day at a time.
I really want to get to the gym so that I can start working out and toning, but I know right now it's about the bulk - get the bulk off first, do the "reintroductory foods" programme and then hit the gym with a proper eating plan to help me tone and sculpt. I've been looking at the "Body For Life" programme - there have been fantastic results and I know it takes hard work - I'm happy to put in those hours at the gym!
For now......back to baby steps.
Health is wealth.
Okay rewind: Let me give you a brief summary of my weekend! Friday night was off to friends to go over spanish and, well that was it, go over spanish. Slept over and since I was planning on sleeping over the following night had to make sure that I was super prepared and get all meals ready - weighed and measured.
Saturday popped up and had a quick breakie of scrambled egg with onion and tomatoe while Jaryd ran around and got ready for spanish. Shot off for a 2 hour spanish class - which was SUPER CONFUSING!!! Verbs ending in AR, ER, IR have differnt endings if it is first person, second person, female, male, singular, plural - mind blowing stuff. After that 2 hour episode I could have done with a glass of wine to soothe the brain, but alas couldn't have that, so next best thing was puppies and fruit salad. Yay! I didn't have to prepare the fruit salad, I could choose the fruit I wanted and eat it. Joy!
Jaryd and I spent the rest of the afternoon working on his spanish assignment - I reckon we rocked it and am hoping for a good mark! Saturday night we had friends over for a braai, I had to make my own mince dish of course, which again = labour entensive, but I've got to do what I got to do. We rocked out on guitar hero and sing star till about 4:30 am - I had 2 little cuts of beef in this time as I was jumping around and after 5 hours got hungry again.
Woke up late on Sunday, had a quick breakie of scrambled egg again and didn't have time to make my lunch. I was taking my gran out for the day, which included lunch and didn't want to eat at a restaurant. Shot off picked up the gran and headed off to visit my uncle. Fast forward to lunch, my brother had joined us, which was a blessing as I might have had something more fattening than I did - he keeps a very strict eye on me, so I ended up having the chicken salad with feta and avo. I only ate half of the salad and know that I didn't exceed the protein quota at all because the chicken was only 4 measely thin strips, I am allowed feta and again definitely not enough to cover the protein quote. I did enjoy the avo!!!! - you get an eye for quantity on this diet. Gave the rest of the salad to my gran and brother - R55 for half a salad! Staying on track - priceless.
Monday = day off and lazed around.
Tuesday went to clean my uncles bedroom. It needed to have a good clean, move things out (like the bed) so that we can get a hospital bed into the room and just create more space for when he returns from hospice. Since my gran's vacuum cleaner doesn't stand up you have to lunge and then squat and vacuum, great for those leg and glutius maxiumus muscles! So come lunch time, I cut a quick 45g cheese and two crackers - didn't even feel like the veggies - so I didn't. Tuesday night I really didn't want to eat anything that I had to cook. Not that I want to pig out on pizza or anything like that. I could have done with cereal! or egg on toast. Something quick and simple with as little effort as possible. That can get frustrating - the fact that I can't just whip up something other than protein and veg, which inevitably has to be cooked. **sigh** Such is the life of a dieter.
I do feel thinner, in that I can feel my bones more, definately around my elbows, knees, chest and neck. I am getting tired (a bit) of the same foods, but I know I just got to hang in a little while longer. Got to see this to the end and can't give up. I give myself little inspirational talks every day. I have to remind myself about the baby steps: one step / one day at a time.
I really want to get to the gym so that I can start working out and toning, but I know right now it's about the bulk - get the bulk off first, do the "reintroductory foods" programme and then hit the gym with a proper eating plan to help me tone and sculpt. I've been looking at the "Body For Life" programme - there have been fantastic results and I know it takes hard work - I'm happy to put in those hours at the gym!
For now......back to baby steps.
Health is wealth.
Thursday, 04 August 2011
Stay strong, stay true.
That is my motto I've written on my calender in my bedroom. This calender tracks my progress. After breaking the 40 kg mark I realised this is the time for me to get SERIOUS. I can't lose focus now. Time for me to lock my gaze on the goal and keep looking at it.
As I started typing this my boss handed me a black "People" bikini - my first bikini. Right now they look like little bits of dental floss and I cannot imagine squeezing myself into it - I doubt it would cover any wobbly bits at all - BUT - I will fit into this and I will take a picture and I will put it up for all to see :) ... once I've lost the weight of course, as I wouldn't want you to have nightmares.
So yes I have to stay strong and stay true. The war is not over. I've come far, but still have far to go.
I'm so happy that others have seen my story or read about my journey and are now trying to lose weight themselves. Do it!!!! Reach for that goal and take steps that will ensure your success. If you do have a bad day, forgive yourself and get back on the horse straight away, don't take a week or two to figure it out, by then all the work you've done would be in vain and you have to start all over again. Give yourself mental talks, hell, even speak out loud if that helps. I do. I've already gone over my food a number of times for the next few days, especially this coming saturday as I have braai at a friends place and then on Sunday I'm taking my gran out for lunch. I have to make sure I'm prepared, that I put effort into my food so that it is tastey and I have no reason to cheat. Talking it out kinda makes me feel I've committed to it. I've committed to the healthy food, it's just a matter of getting to that day and eating it. Yeah I still feel that I'm missing out, not all the time, just now and again. It's a reality I have to face on birthdays, special occassions, however NOTHING TASTES BETTER THAN LOSING WEIGHT.
I'm taking this coming monday off so I've got a nice long weekend. Long weekends can be rather tough if you are not busy, simply because temptations can arise. I might go for a long leisurely walk along the prominade or go to movies and play games. Get out of the house and into the warm sunshine.
To staying strong and true!
Health is wealth.
As I started typing this my boss handed me a black "People" bikini - my first bikini. Right now they look like little bits of dental floss and I cannot imagine squeezing myself into it - I doubt it would cover any wobbly bits at all - BUT - I will fit into this and I will take a picture and I will put it up for all to see :) ... once I've lost the weight of course, as I wouldn't want you to have nightmares.
So yes I have to stay strong and stay true. The war is not over. I've come far, but still have far to go.
I'm so happy that others have seen my story or read about my journey and are now trying to lose weight themselves. Do it!!!! Reach for that goal and take steps that will ensure your success. If you do have a bad day, forgive yourself and get back on the horse straight away, don't take a week or two to figure it out, by then all the work you've done would be in vain and you have to start all over again. Give yourself mental talks, hell, even speak out loud if that helps. I do. I've already gone over my food a number of times for the next few days, especially this coming saturday as I have braai at a friends place and then on Sunday I'm taking my gran out for lunch. I have to make sure I'm prepared, that I put effort into my food so that it is tastey and I have no reason to cheat. Talking it out kinda makes me feel I've committed to it. I've committed to the healthy food, it's just a matter of getting to that day and eating it. Yeah I still feel that I'm missing out, not all the time, just now and again. It's a reality I have to face on birthdays, special occassions, however NOTHING TASTES BETTER THAN LOSING WEIGHT.
I'm taking this coming monday off so I've got a nice long weekend. Long weekends can be rather tough if you are not busy, simply because temptations can arise. I might go for a long leisurely walk along the prominade or go to movies and play games. Get out of the house and into the warm sunshine.
To staying strong and true!
Health is wealth.
Wednesday, 03 August 2011
Slob comment :(
I went to go visit my uncle at the hospice on monday night. They have upped his morphine to 9ml every 4 hours so most of the time he is zonked - out of it. He looked at me and said that he was going to tell me something, but only because I've lost weight. He said before I looked like a slob, people had said that to him. Shew!!! That kinda sucker punched me in the gut.
I know everyone has their definition of a slob, for me I never considered a fat person to be a slob, but I guess that's because I am fat. I have always taken care of how I present myself to the world - more so because of my weight issue. I'm mindful of the clothes I wear, that I have to make sure I'm groomed and presentable. We all have our bad days for sure but I was and still am extra mindful of that. The comment hurt. I didn't show it. I guess I've gotten so used to pushing those kind of comments (along with stares, gestures and all other things hurtful) to the back of my mind or eating until those feelings were numb. I know I would have turned to food before, as a source of comfort. I've just got to suck it up now - deal with it without running to food. I have endured things like that for as long as I can remember - you don't get used to people being nasty or saying nasty things. Sure sure we all sang "sticks and stones may breal my bones, but words will never hurt me" ... That is a load of bull shit. You can philosophise that words are just words and mean nothing. Let me tell you a truth. Words hurt! Words can cut you down and tear at your soul and make you cry. How do you feel when someone says something horrible about you, something nasty, points and laughs at you? Not very nice!
Yes I've lost weight but I still have a whole heap to go and know that I will still get those words whispered, I'll still get stared at for being overweight. How I reason that today is I'm walking a very different path to what I was pre 21 March, but it's one that will get me healthier, one that I'll love not just my inner self but outer self too. One that I embrace willingly every day. I have no option but to succeed. I don't want to be fat for the rest of my life. I don't want people to judge me or sum me up on my outer appearance only, but the truth is that a great majority of people do. They sum you up by looking at you. Good looking slim people - accepted. Ugly / fat /*____* not so - we have to work harder to prove ourselves. If I want to help other people like me I have to be the product of my success. I have to show everyone that I did it - and I will.
And so I fight another day. It is a fight. I'm fighting for my health. I'm fighting with my mind and desires. Every day is a battle and every day I gain more of the battle ground. There will be a time in the future I'll have won the war.
For now....
Health is Wealth
Treasure it.
I know everyone has their definition of a slob, for me I never considered a fat person to be a slob, but I guess that's because I am fat. I have always taken care of how I present myself to the world - more so because of my weight issue. I'm mindful of the clothes I wear, that I have to make sure I'm groomed and presentable. We all have our bad days for sure but I was and still am extra mindful of that. The comment hurt. I didn't show it. I guess I've gotten so used to pushing those kind of comments (along with stares, gestures and all other things hurtful) to the back of my mind or eating until those feelings were numb. I know I would have turned to food before, as a source of comfort. I've just got to suck it up now - deal with it without running to food. I have endured things like that for as long as I can remember - you don't get used to people being nasty or saying nasty things. Sure sure we all sang "sticks and stones may breal my bones, but words will never hurt me" ... That is a load of bull shit. You can philosophise that words are just words and mean nothing. Let me tell you a truth. Words hurt! Words can cut you down and tear at your soul and make you cry. How do you feel when someone says something horrible about you, something nasty, points and laughs at you? Not very nice!
Yes I've lost weight but I still have a whole heap to go and know that I will still get those words whispered, I'll still get stared at for being overweight. How I reason that today is I'm walking a very different path to what I was pre 21 March, but it's one that will get me healthier, one that I'll love not just my inner self but outer self too. One that I embrace willingly every day. I have no option but to succeed. I don't want to be fat for the rest of my life. I don't want people to judge me or sum me up on my outer appearance only, but the truth is that a great majority of people do. They sum you up by looking at you. Good looking slim people - accepted. Ugly / fat /*____* not so - we have to work harder to prove ourselves. If I want to help other people like me I have to be the product of my success. I have to show everyone that I did it - and I will.
And so I fight another day. It is a fight. I'm fighting for my health. I'm fighting with my mind and desires. Every day is a battle and every day I gain more of the battle ground. There will be a time in the future I'll have won the war.
For now....
Health is Wealth
Treasure it.
Monday, 01 August 2011
Pants to the Ground!
After 4 and a half months of watching every morsal that goes into my mouth I am proud to say that I'm starting to pack away some very fat clothes. I have about 6 pairs of pants (jeans/smart/cargos) and a couple of skirts and shirts that I can no longer wear. Most of these were very tight on me to begin with, so much so that sitting down in one pair of them (my pirate pants) was in danger of poping the zip. I couldn't decide what to wear to a friends' place and pulled on the pirate pants and they were extremely lose and with a little bit of a wiggle... - Pants to the Ground!!!! whooo hooo Even the pants that I couldn't even pull up my thighs at the beginning of this journey are getting a bit too baggy for me. Once they become the 'fat pants' I'm going to have to go do a bit of shopping otherwise I will not have any clothes that I can fit in too.
I'm not complaining!
The cold has been playing havoc with my stomach. I'm definiately a lot more hungry these days and my stomach growls in protest. In order not to be too miserable and then totally lose the plot I will at times have an extra cracker or two with a little bit of cheese. I don't want to get to a mentally unstable place and then pig out on whatever I can get my hands on - so nope still not easy. The routine has become old hat and I know my food measurements off by heart, but the follow through every day is still a bit hard. I still am tempted. I still desire a lekka plate of curry and rice. Every day I choose not too give in. The end result is firmly established in my mind's eye and I desire to succeed much more than my desire to eat.
I'm looking forward to keeping to the plan and seeing how many kgs I will shed this month. I have about 7 or 8 kgs to go before I reach my next goal. It would be awesome to reach that by the close of August, but if not shortly there-after.
I'm happy that I decided on the 21st of March 2011 to change my life. It took one small step, then another, then another, then.....I can look back at those baby steps now and see that they have amounted to a good few huge leaps. I will continue with my baby steps - they are changing my life every day!
Health is Wealth.
I'm not complaining!
The cold has been playing havoc with my stomach. I'm definiately a lot more hungry these days and my stomach growls in protest. In order not to be too miserable and then totally lose the plot I will at times have an extra cracker or two with a little bit of cheese. I don't want to get to a mentally unstable place and then pig out on whatever I can get my hands on - so nope still not easy. The routine has become old hat and I know my food measurements off by heart, but the follow through every day is still a bit hard. I still am tempted. I still desire a lekka plate of curry and rice. Every day I choose not too give in. The end result is firmly established in my mind's eye and I desire to succeed much more than my desire to eat.
I'm looking forward to keeping to the plan and seeing how many kgs I will shed this month. I have about 7 or 8 kgs to go before I reach my next goal. It would be awesome to reach that by the close of August, but if not shortly there-after.
I'm happy that I decided on the 21st of March 2011 to change my life. It took one small step, then another, then another, then.....I can look back at those baby steps now and see that they have amounted to a good few huge leaps. I will continue with my baby steps - they are changing my life every day!
Health is Wealth.
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