The important things.

The important things truly are so simple.  Your family, your health, to be happy.  You can subdivide those 3 catogories as well, but that really is the sum of all things.  It makes me happy to see members in my family happy and succeeding, following their dreams whether or not something will come out of it - but just being gutsy enough to try!

To be strong and healthy and have the mobility, sight that our bodies offer is oft taken for granted and overlooked.  Let me tell you I appreciate every day, even the boring, or sad ones because I have my life and I though I have no major health issues am still on the journey of losing weight and getting to a healthy figure, where I can go out and make good use of my legs and lungs :)

Personal happiness, the happiness that comes from self not from someone else or dependent on someone else, a happiness that comes from within and not from things/money.  Yes, things can put a smile on our face, but a new toy is just that and like a child we'll soon tire from the gadget and if you are unhappy, it will only be a temporary smile at that. Money can smooth some things, it has it's own problems too - or perhaps the mis use of it has problems.  If you are unhappy, no amount of money in the world will change that.  So this happiness is a geniune state of inner contentment, inner acceptment, inner peace - this radiates outwards.

Sooo where am I weight wise - after about 2 months of rollercoasting/ ups and downs, you name it - I am back.  Mind is focused.  I'm on the path again and committed to this journey as before.  I can't have come all this way to just put the weight back on and fail.  I have said many times that this time I will accommplish my goals.  I aim too fulfill my promise.

If we fall off the wagon, we have to get back on it and cling on the sides again and carry on down the path.  So if you've also fallen off, it's a new month! it's a new day! and it's a new mind set! Let's do it.

Health is wealth.

Life to ashes and beyond.

Over the weekend I went to my grans place to help her with a couple of things.  I also got to see the little box (well not so little - but little enough) of ashes.  That was all that remained of my uncle, a sealed pine box with ashes.  It weighed about 4kg or so.  The finality of it.  The "this is what is left of him" hit me. 

I pondered over his ashes, yes, I hear your thoughts "how very morbid".  Let me explain a bit.  I was brought up in a faith/belief system that taught when you die, you 'fall asleep' for a period of time and in due course you would be resurrected and re-united with your family and live forever on a paradise earth.  This means you never make you peace with death - not really.  My reality of death was screwed up from a young age.  I broke free of that faith and have had to realign those belief, had to look within to see what made sense.  I don't believe I'm going to be resurrected and live on a paradise earth any longer, but I also don't believe in fluffy clouds, a big God on a throne issuing commands to flying subjects - with or without wings.  I belive more in the engery essence of things: living or not.  We are all made up of energy, engery forms can change but they never die - anyway that is what makes more sense to my heart and mind.

Being faced with my uncle'd mortality and seeing and feeling the body, seeing and feeling the weight of the ashes got me thinking about my own death one day.  Who would be there for me, who would wrap things up, get stuff sorted.  I'm not married, I have no children and my friends - bless them - but well - I doubt they would do this kind of thing.  Half my family is overseas and have their own lives.  I know this won't make an ounce of a difference when I'm dead and gone, but it's being alive and thinking about that get's me a little emotional.  It's also knowing that we each have to go through this.  I know I will bury others - it's not a nice thought.

It's all my experiences in life: tough childhood, work, romance/lack of it, relgion, disappointments, being fat, really good times, just makes me realise how very important it is to LIVE LIFE.  Not to just going through the motions of every day - though it's extremely easy to fall into the trap of waking up, going to work, eat, watch tv and sleep - I fall into that trap at times.  I am also acutely aware of small things, small joys, simple joys, like having a great cup of coffee, of feeling the sunshine warm my inners and I can't help but smile.  My life may not be perfect, I may not be at the weight I want to be right now...but I will get there and yes it's going to mad hard and I will have ups and downs but I will live and I will get there.  I may not be as financially free but I will work at my work, do my best, try find other avenues and enjoy that I have work that puts money in the bank, food in my belly, a roof over my head and an op.

We all know the cliche's, we all repeat them often enough, we all know the good advice but how many of us stop, think about it, become aware of what it means and just be so awesomely thankful for a life, for a heart that beats on, for lungs that breathe, for eyes that see, for legs and arms that can move without difficulty. So though I know one day my heart will beat it's last beat, I am going to take my life, my gorgeous beautiful life and live it.  I will use my resources, my mind, my love, my whatever I can to make it a good and happy life for me.

Of course I totally want that everybody does the same.  We cannot solve the worlds problems - I've made my peace with that (corporations and bottome line will always win out), but we can make better choices, be kinder to one another.

Health is wealth.

Update....still a bit sad.

I haven't got much to say these days, not because I don't have any emotional turmoil, work stress or diet stress. I just feel pap / deflated / a little stuck perhaps.It's been just over two weeks since my uncle died, whew and que the tears. I haven't properly grieved, perhpas because it hasn't really sunk in yet or no, pehaps because I haven't had a chance to miss him yet.  I know it will happen though.

My granny phoned the other day. She expressed that she was soooo very alone.  Then she got all chocked up and started crying, saying that she misses him already.  It is cricket season in SA (The ozzies are here for ODI) and her and Brian would watch together and boo the Ozzies and shout for their favorite batsmen (Boucher or Kalis) She doesn't have that anymore.  When my granny cries, well I can't help but let the tears fall though I try keep my voice steady and strong.

I know that there will be the firsts - the first christmas without him - fuck (yeah cos that is how I feel and sometimes that is the best word to use!) I can't believe that last christmas was his last and even then he was in so much pain back then.  The first birthdays...ja, no matter how much you prepare for a person's death, you can't and don't fully grasp it until they have died.

My speech at my uncle's funeral:

The very first thing I know Brian would want me to do (this is where I looked down to my gran and cousin and saw them both crying, that got me started and I had to take a deep deep breath, nod my head, dig my heel in and go on)... is thank his mother, Helmar Maxwell.  She has been an absolute trogen and though a little on in years and seemingly frail has shown extreme fortitude during his illness.

Brian had some brilliant good times, there were the hard times too, but he took everything in his stride.  He hussled and bussled his way though life, helping many people along the way, be it financially or providing a place to sleep, everyone knew they could count on Brian Maxwell.

He saw himself as a gentle man and a champion, the best at everything he put his mind too.  Especially on the sports field, which at times was front yard at grans’ place.  Many a world cup was held there between Brian, Cliffy and the boys “Warren, Graham & Mark” along with Jonty, our german shepherd.  Those were awesome days.  Good lessons of sportsmanship were learnt.

It was about a year and half ago that Brian found out he had this serious illness.   It shook to us all and he fought the best he could.  He braved tests, operations and journeys to the hospital that would have undid all of us a long time ago.  His mind remained sharp. Through most of it he had a joke for the nurses, laughed with his family and showed true staying power.

To Mark, Warren, Graham and Kath (this time it was looking at my brother that got me started and again I had to take my time) Brian would want you to know that you are sitting on his shoulders, the shoulders of a champion and that whatever you want to achieve is yours to achieve.

I know he would want me all to wish his family and friends to live their best life…treat people kindly, let those around you know that you love them, be healthy, look after yourself and appreciate the little things in life. ** end **

It may seem I am spending a lot of time writing about this, but know that writing is very therapeutic for me.  This is my journey, a way that I can find healing.  You are still welcome to share in it with me.

I've been saying every day I've got to get back on track with my diet, it's been so hard to focus again.  I know it will come.  I can't fail.

So have a great weekend, love those close to you, be kind and treasure your health.

 

It is done.

I touched my uncle's cheek, it was ice cold and hard.  The body without the life is just that, a body, and it did not resemble the uncle I knew, loved and cared for.  I knew his spirit had left, that the essence that made him Brian Maxwell had exited this world.

The funeral was held yesturday.  It was marvelous to see so many people come and pay their respects and say their final goodbyes.

It was heart breaking standing next to my gran as she said goodbye to her son, tears spilling from her eyes, her wrinkled hand rubbing the casket.  She bent down and gave him a farewell peck on his forehead.

I saw my brother wipe tears away, trying so hard not to cry. I heard my cousin's voice tremble as he spoke his words, I saw my other cousin sobbing in the front as I stood in front of the mike trying to make it through my speech without breaking down.

Strangely enough I can say it was a good day, in that everything went off very well.  It was a send off Brian would have liked.  Friends and family got together and enjoyed tea and cake together, telling tales of their time spent with my uncle - some really good stories there.  And some really good cake.....of course I had some!  I didn't feel any guilt as I sampled little bites here and there - all supremely delicious and totally decadent in my view.

My weightloss journey starts again.  I still believe I will get there.  I will accomplish that which my uncle knew I would.

Thank you uncle Brian for believing, not only in me, but in all your nieces and nephews.  We all love you very dearly, we will miss you and each time we think of you we will send love and light into the world.

My uncle has died.

Last week Wednesday at about 11:40 pm, on a cold and rainy night, my uncle breathed his last breath.  It was in his sleep. He was at hospice and he was alone. Alone because the whole family was there the previous night saying their goodbyes. My aunt and I stayed the entire night to watch over him.  The hospice didn't think to call us a second night in a row.

I had been preparing for his death, mentally and spiritually, I knew it was coming.  I knew on Wednesday afternoon that it couldn't be very far off.  My uncle responded very little, but heard enough to face me when I spoke to him.  I held his hands, rubbed his arm and spoke loving words to him.  He didn't or rather couldn't take in any food or liquid, or rather 2 little sips, not amounting to much.  Since he couldn't control his showing of pain any more there were 2 occassions he cried out in such agony that I just burst into tears.  I knew it would be better for him to go, to be free of that agony. 

Rob called me and told me my uncle had passed and because sleep still fogged my mind I just said "ok".  2 min later I was up and phoning my aunt to tell her I'd meet her at hospice.  I had to go see my uncle one more time, make sure that somehow he was okay!  I arrived at the hospice and went to go see my uncle.  He was so quiet, his chest was so still.  "Obviously" you  may say, but it wasn't really.  I expected him at any moment to take a deep breath and continue breathing.  I had heard him do that so many times in the recent past that it seemed plausible it would happen again.  He kept very still, and very quiet.  I touched his cheek and the cool creep of death had already started.  My uncle looked so at peace.  I knew that the pain was over and there was no more suffering for him. That was a huge comfort.

I didn't want to leave him.  I didn't want to turn and walk out of the room.  I didn't want to leave him alone.

I drove back home, climbed into my bed, my cat Belle was there and I slept a sleep of utter exhaustion, the tension had totally left my body and all that was left was emotional, physical, mental and spiritual peace.  I slept a most healing sleep without dreams, without stirring.

I think back to when my weightloss journey started. The inspiration to get my butt into gear came from my uncle.  He kept encouraging me as he saw me losing the weight.  He knew I could always do it.  I will continue to do it. I will reach my goal!  I am only sad that he will not see that moment!

Tomorrow is the funeral!  His nephews and nieces will honor him by carrying his coffin into the church, we will honor him with our words.  We will honor him by living our best life and by being the very best we can.  He told us we were winners, we were champions and each and every one of us are!

To my brother Mark, to my closest cousins: Warren, Graham and Kath, we are on the shoulders of a champion, we can accomplish all that we desire. I love you all dearly!

Staaaaallll

I have to admit I'm just not in the right headspace again.  At the forefront of it all is my uncle - he has got only a little while lift on this earth, his days are drawing to a close and though I have prepared myself as much as I can mentally and spiritually it's still exceptionally hard.  I wonder what goes through his mind, if he is still lucid, if he knows what is going on, if he knows his family truly and dearly loves him and that we want him to be pain free.  He was my inspiration to start this journey, that inspiration (in it's tangible physical form at least) will be departing soon.

At the back of my mind is the whole cat incident.  The woman in question of the demon cat is not taking my calls, emails and smses.  This whole thing has cost me R2500 out of my own pocket.  Though she has communicated once (at my insistant prompting) that she would pay....nothing has come through.  It is a tedious, but little worry at the back of my mind and I don't particularly want to go to small claims court, but will take it there if she doesn't pay those medical bills.  So that is always at the back of my mind.  Sometimes people just annoy me because of the lack of humanity, their lack of responsibily etc.

The above 2 things have really just pushed me off track, because I have allowed it, yes, and because I just can't concentrate on weighing things and the extra effort.  I know I've got to get my head around this soon otherwise I'll start picking up weight again - I don't want that.  I can't focus 100% like before, I get it right for a couple of days and then lose it.  I'm not feeling as bad as I did when I threw the cheese and really had a sickening breakdown of snot and tears, but I'm not happy about it either.  I know though that I won't give up.  I know that focus I had will come back to me and give me the oomph I need to continue. There are too many people that are rooting me on for me to fail.  I don't want to disappoint myself or them.

I also realised that I just don't like getting weighed every week.  I'd rather be weighed once a month or even once every three months - helps me keep my focus.  I'd rather not know what I'm losing each week, so that I can keep to that high strict standard.  Got to figure out how to make the weight loss challenge people understand that.  It's my journey and I should be able tweak how and what I want to give me the best results.

I haven't even done an update on my pics yet.  I will get to that too.  I feel like I should have one of them flashing signs reading "I am experiencing technical problems, please be patient." :)

I won't give up, I will weather this storm better than in the past and I will be back on track 100% again.  This I promise to myself and to you.

Stay well, stay strong and be healthy.
Health is wealth.