I'm so SO tired of....

Negativity in my life!  ....  Political manoevering amongst friends/family/work! ...  My complaining!  Operations! I have truly had enough.  I've got enough on my plate trying to stay focused on my road ahead without added stresses. I don't need fear added into the mix.  By that I mean, fear of the finances, fear of my skin tissue, fear of how people will treat me differently.   It all brings me down down down - to a VERY bad place, a place I don't like to be!

Please, I urge anyone who knows someone trying to lose weight or quit smoking or whatever  it is - HELP THEM and you do that by building up!!! Encouraging!!!! Supporting!!!! Problem Solving!!!

I haven't blogged for a while because I haven't been inspired, I haven't felt strong, I veered off the path again.

This week has been better, definitely more focused!  I've just got to keep my eye on the prize and deal with things as they come up.  Right now I can't make certain decisions because I'm not at that bridge.

I'm doing the 21 days thing again.  Found that was a really good foundation. 21 days to create a new habit. Get through that and you can manage quite easily again.

Health is wealth, look after yours.

Happy updates

I know a number of my posts have been a bit dark of late.  Please realise that the journey is such an emotional one and I will have my sunny fantastic days/weeks and then days that are purple, black and full of dispair. 

After much consideration I think it is time for me to go and get a neutral voice to speak into this journey, and by that I mean a shrink.  I do feel that I need to talk some things through and for that voice to provide a neutral opinion or just a different opinion. 

Thankfully today I am much better.  My mood did improve and though I do know in that moment that it is just that - a moment - it's difficult to see it and feel it.  I was subdued over the weekend. Friday night I sat at my mums place with the little sausage dog - Estha - as company, she was also subdued.  We watched telly together and had a snooze together.  She was the perfect company I needed.  Total acceptance of me.

Saturday was spanish and I took in absolutely nothing!  I did have a fabulous fruit salad afterwards and joined the Youngs for a kiddies birthday.  That lifted my spirits. Nothing like watching kiddies stuff their face with sweets, flitter around with wings and plaster blush on their cheeks and armpits!  Kyle told the little birthday girl,
Doone Bug, that the stuff you put on your face also goes on your armpits, and without even thinking about this, she promply applied a layer of blush to her armpits, pulled out her bling bling mirror and had a squiz to make sure the application was just so.  She is 4!  How can that not put a smile on your dial.

Sunday was another little kiddies party - this time lil Kayla - only turning a whole 1 this year and had mini wings.  The rest of the day was spent smoking hubbly and watching SA idols and chilling.

Monday I had a fantastic work out at taibo.  It was really a go go go session that was going to go on for two hours.  We only did an hour and 10 because I have to get home, make dinner and be ready for Surviver.

Tuesday - oooh drama night.  Though it didn't start out as such.  I had an very enjoyable evening completing my gecko mosaic project and a couple of other mosaic projects:  Pics are here....

The drama came about when I arrived home.  There is a cat in our building which is quite aggressive and always spits and hisses and tries to claw you.  I usually make sure I have something that can act as a barrier, usually my bag, when I walk past the cat....just in case.  Well this cat, name = Ninja (don't laugh), came for me and swiped my leg, and as I tried to shoo him away with my bag, literally launched himself at me, jumped on my right arm and bit and clawed me quite badly.  Okay the photos are taking forever to load - you can view the album on facebook "Ninja Cat Attack"  So now I'm on a course of rabies injections, because he hasn't had his vaccines and just the extreme aggression he displayed.

Of course this drama put me in a little bit of a spin as I just didn't feel emotionally strong enough to handle it.  I am happy to say that it didn't make me spiral into that dark place.  I accepted it for what it was, knew that paying the R2500 in total was worth my life.

Now to fabulous news.  Lost the weight I put on last week and then some.  2.7kg down! down down down. I reckon taibo is helping and so is the walking.  Had a fantastic work out, eating healthy, allow myself a little healthy treat now and again and am not beating myself up about it. 

I have to thank my friends, both online and here for all their support and encouragement. 

Health is wealth.

Wild Rollercoaster Ride!

I really don't know how much of this emotional ride I can take.  I change like 4 seasons in one day.  Yesturday I was strong as ox, the world was my oyster I was focused, I was walking, I was positive and in charge. This morning I woke up shivering, depressed, burst into tears, had the uncontrollable urge to eat, wanted to crawl under my covers and give up. I literally pulled the covers over my head and balled my eyes out.

This is playing absolute havoc with my physce (sp) I feel that I'm going insane and I'm aware of it.  Ah to fall asleep and wake up in 5 months time and be done with this weightloss.  It's so fustrating not knowing where my emotions are going to be at. I have never been on a more up and down journey in my life.  Words cannot truly get to the core of how I feel.  If I try describe it, I'll sound loony......because while the moods are swinging like tarzaan, my body is restless, I'm feeling itchy, like I've got a bazillion ants patrolling the inners of my being - not pleasant at all.

I know so many of you will tell me to stay positive and be strong, trust me, I tell myself that every day.  Sometimes it works, other times it means sweat blow all and no amount of positive talk is going to sink it.  My mind is making me suffer.  I know that there is no reason to suffer, I'm getting good healthy food into my body, I'm doing my body a fantastic service by feeding it with healthy foods, but it's because I can't have my own way and that is my suffering.  One thing I can say is "at least I am aware of that".  The suffering is in my mind, but boy oh boy hmmmm eish the mind is a strong thing.

I had no choice but to pull myself out of bed, get ready for work and face the day.  I analysed the thoughts in my mind from a distance.  Breathed in huge amounts of air to force me relax and calm down.  Once I had calmed down, I was okay again. 

This is not only a very natural journey as in I'm physically losing weight and my actual body is changing.  This is also a deeply spiritual and transcendial journey for me.  It's forcing me to be very aware of my thoughts and the power they hold.  Forcing me to be conscious of now.  Forcing me to see my ego and deal with it.

I want this so much that I'm choosing to stay on this rollercoaster ride.  God help my sanity.

Health is wealth and mental peace of mind.

It's difficult...

It's very difficult to stay in a positive frame of mind when you are brought down in other aspects of your life - mine at the moment is work. That pushes stress up, unhappiness can creep in and of course food hangs itself in fron t of you like a freaking carrot.  I'm literally gritting my teeth to stay 100% this week.  There are times I feel like I just want to give up, walk out on my job, on the diet and resign myself to a life of whatever.

I am reading books about letting go of the ego, of making peace and being at peace.  It's difficult.  For me all this just makes me want to eat eat eat.  I'm in a struggle of keeping my mind body and soul focused.

I also wonder why when the chips are down something else comes around to give you a kick in the stomach - just for good measure.  Light my candle, focus, come back to the now (though that is a 'problem' in itself, I don't want to be where I am now.....don't know how to solve that one).

**insert huge huge sigh and shake of my head** I want things to be simple.  I don't want accolades and fame and glory, I just want .... okay, pause a momet.  In these 2 lines and including this one I've used *I* 5 times.  Time to stop and just let it go. As humans we attached worth to *I*, *me* mine* and define ourselves by it "what do people think of me? why don't they value my opinion? Don't touch what is mine? etc and 9 times out of 10 measure/define ourselves up against that.  I am not sure if this is what is happening in my current work situation but I am aware of it.

Back to my diet.  I started taibo on Monday night and my leg muscles, especially my thighs, are still sore!  I was hoping to do another session on Thursday but at this rate won't be able to keep up. In between I am walking - it's great to keep the legs warm and work those muscles.  Eventually it would be great to work up to 3 workouts a week.

Taking the work situation out of the picture I am feeling pretty good.  I've been 100% on the program so far this week and can feel the changes already.  I may be boardering on the obsessive in my desire to succeed.  I have too.  I will not/cannot accept failure.  I keep reminding myself of where I was, where do I want to be, this could help me break free of work bonds. At the same time I don't want to put too much pressure on myself because then I beat myself up mentally.  One day, baby steps **deep breath**

My desire to succeed outweighs everything else right now.

Health is wealth.

A healthy step - mentally.

I had done a fine job of doing a new post and of course as cyber world would have it, lost all the info.  It was a good post too.  I'll have to get down the basic idea, but I know it's just not going to rock as well as my first draft.

Being a leader is not about being in a position of superiority or power or instilling fear.  That just makes you higher up the ladder.  The position or pay cheque itself does not make you a leader. I am not in a corporate leader postion - I sell advertising and we have a team of 5 that completes the sales team.  It's made up of another sales lady, 2 layout ladies and 1 accounts lady.  I am not their boss or manager.  I do however feel a sense of responsibilty for them, I'll sometimes speak up on behalf of the group, take the initiative etc.  That is in my nature.

A leader is someone (in my humble opinion) that can  pull themselves out of the mire and encourage the troops when things are not going so well.  To lift their spirits and to show them that there is in fact light at the end of the tunnel.  It is to pull them up when they can't do it themselves. To lead by example  I call the rest of the ladies on 'my' team as 'my ladies'.  I was in no position to lift them out of the dirt last week as I was down there with them, and I couldn't figure out how to pull myself out of the pit, let alone them. After giving myself mental slaps and chats this weekend I came into the office fortified.  I know that though I cannot control outside forces I can control myself.  Since I've decided to pull myself toward myself again with my diet, I feel control in other aspects too.  Plus I had my little candle of light.  Even in the darkest places, light can shine through and cut the blackness.

I lit my little candle, breathed in the little bit of warmth it created and got into "being" mode.  Just be.  In that mode there is a delicious quiteness of the mind, it's rich, it's golden and it's powerful.  It resonates in every fibre and every living cell.  You know in that mode that all is possible.  I drew my strength from that spoke encouraging words to my ladies.  Do the best job you can do while on the job, do it with a smile, give of your best because "they" cannot take that away from you, don't let them point figures and say that you didn't do you job well.

By being in control again of myself it can filter into other aspects and slowly, one step by one step I can take more control of those other aspects

All health is wealth!

A new day.

This past week I have been frustrated with finance - future finances that is.  I have been thwaked for a six when it comes to work:  it amazes me how some bosses think they are the be all and end all, the comander in chief - even when there are the "big shots" above them.  I have been pulled down by family stress.  This all of course affects my mood, my emotions, which in turn affect my diet.

I fell off the rails this past week.  I turned back into the emotional eater I was, not as bad as before, but I knew it for what it was.  I knew I was trying to numb myself, to push things to the back of my mind and not face them head on.  I felt out of control, felt lost, alone, and very much unhappy.

I spoke it out as much as I could and have had to pull myself back into the "be aware" frame of mind, concentrate on the now and what is happening in that moment.  That I can still have control over.  That thought stilled the madness - mostly.

So what have I decided? Finance - This is a future financial 'worry'.  I want to have an operation that will cut away excess skin and fix boob deflation. The cost is substantial and at the moment I'm getting into a good financial situtation - in that my debts are getting paid off.  However with this op, I'll be back where I started.  My decision on this is to save what I can, continue to lose weight and to train.  Once I'm ready for the op, make decisions then based on that time frame.  Work:  I can control myself.  I cannot control my boss, I do not expect the bosses attitude to change, continue to work my time in and do my best in that time.  To put my feelers out there and go for interviews and see what comes of it. Family:  hmm family is always tricky even when all the members are healthy and communicating openly. Having a sick member of the family is taxing, when communication isn't that clear or open, all this can start taking it's toll.  Feelings of appreciation or lack of appreciation, you get told one thing, hear another and at the end of it all don't know head or tale about what is going on.  Diet: Pull myself towards myself and get back on track. As of today I will make sure that I am prepared.  I came to a major realisation last night that this next phase is me.  The first phase was promted because my uncle was ill and though that got me on my journey, isn't enough to sustain me.  Now it's me.  Now I have to want this badly for myself and I do.  I don't want to be fat for the rest of my life.  I have to go back to living each day 100%, but living for that day and not for tomorrow.  I have to carry on walking this path, so that it leads me to a healthy, happier future.  My now determines my future.

That is where I am at today.  A healthier place than I was yesturday. 
I do want to be healthy today, tomorrow and for the rest of my days.
Join me if you haven't started your healthy journey - we can encourage each other.

Health is wealth.