This weekend I moved out of my beloved flat into a single room. Most of my worldly possessions fit into a single room. For me - that is a good thing. I've never been one to collect, hold on to or hoard mounds of stuff. So I moved and have found a place for everything - just about. I still need to put in 3 shelves in the one cupboard. I'll be picking Belle up this evening and taking her to her new home - I hope she will settle in and find her little paws.
I do still have to paint 2 walls and de-wallpaper a door - I'll be heading over after work to do that - that's after I've been to the police station for the umptemth time to get another affidavit - I didn't realise they were only valid for 3 days, so when I drove allllllllllllllllllllll the way to Rossbourgh to renew my license I couldn't. I'm pretty sure all the governmental departments are set up to a) waste as much of your time as they possibly can 2) irritate the living daylights out of you 3) take your money for their crap services. A wasted trip, wasted time, wasted petrol - give me strength lord because I have none left!
Definitely jumping back on track diet wise - I'm sick of food, plus the right combination does actually make you feel better inside and out, it does effect your mood. I need all the pick me ups I can get right now - so I'm going to medicate myself with healthy foods. Bought all my groceries again, pulled out the scale and am all geared up to once again take control of this aspect of my life. I still want to get to enjoy all the things I put off. Classic example: There is an opportunity to go zip lining this coming friday - I have declined because I am still fat and I don't feel comfortable hanging around losing all strands of the little bit of dignity I have left. I may have done it 2 months ago, when I was strong mentally, but I'm just not there and I don't want to embarress myself in front of anyone right now.
Christmas is looming - another flippen year gone by. Jeez how time flies - whether or not you are having fun it still flies. Granted I'm not in the christmas spirit - my mom's tree does look very festive and does give off a happy glo.
The one thing that does just fill me up with joy and love - Esther's puppies - they are so sweet, so gorgeous, so adorable. A bundle of warmth lil wimpers looking for a teat. There are 5 of them (4 girls and 1 boy). There is no way I can feel depressed/down/sad when I look at that lil bundle. I enjoy lying with them and putting them all on top of me.
I'm looking forward to 2012. I'll be starting a new job - sure I have nerves but I've been in this advertising business for 15 years, I'm confident I'll be okay, more than okay, I'll be happier workwise for sure.
Other than that, I'm literally taking one day at a time and trying to tick off all that I have to do and sort out. Still got quite a list and quite a ways to go - but I'll get there eventually.
Stay well.
Monday, 28 November 2011
Monday, 21 November 2011
Update on where I am at.
Whew! I don't really know where to start. It's been a tough couple of months. I've been hit with events that are draining not only my spirt/soul, energy, positive state of mind, but also my finances. It's been one thing after another:
Cat bite - R2500 (besides times wastage trying to get the woman to even talk to me) The cat lady still refuses to pay anything. She did make one payment of R200 and that was it. I have now served her with a letter of demand.
Flat break in and stolen car - I'm looking at about R4500 in all to change the locks on the front door, change the car locks and alarm. Plus I have had to get a new car licence, got a fine because I don't have a licence (do have an affidavid - but left that at my mum's place) I have to replace my drivers licence and get a temporary one, have to buy a new spare rim and tyre and replace jumper leads and jack.
Resigned from my job - I cannot put any information here just yet so far as to say I'm not happy an had to make a decision. My last day is the 15th of December.
Then there have been things like leaving my car lights on so that my battery is flat in the middle of the rain. It's too much to bare. Getting a fine and though I explained to the officer the whole situation, he couldn't care less - plus it's known that the traffic cops are working for their christmas bonus. This is the only time they are ever out in full force - where are the cops when acutual crime takes place?? When these kind of things happen now I just feel so very beaten down and it knocks me back 5 or 6 steps and I find that I have to claw my way back to get back to feeling normal - I don't want that to be my life - struggle struggle struggle. What kind of life is that and is that life even worth living then?
Included in all of this are huge insecurities about me and my weight issue and I'm finding it so very difficult to get back on track. No matter how much I tell myself food won't help, I have turned to it for comfort. I can't carry on for various reasons - no one will want to hire me for one!!! A big reason too! People do tend to judge your potential based on the outter appearance - which is so fickle - so many people may look like 'nothing' but blow you away. Potential clients may not want to deal with a fatty. I do have more than 6 weeks to whip my butt into literal shape before I start a new phase in my life (I'll share more info later one).
Yeah I'm feeling a bit low. Yeah I'm not that strong mentally right now. Yeah little things push me back and I have had horrible suicidal thoughts - serious thoughts....BUT I got to give it go. I got to live this life, I've got to keep on trying. I've never failed at anything in my life! I'm not about to start now. Though the mountain ahead is massive, I've got to put one foot in front of the other, put my head down and climb!
If you know me personally - encourage me with a sms, a mail, a little love, healing words/thoughts/prayers. If you only know me via facebook, my blog, JWN - the same would be appreciated. That is all I ask - a little help in the form of encouragement to keep on at it.
Thank you to my precious mum who has still been such a rock for me in this shakey time.
Lou
Cat bite - R2500 (besides times wastage trying to get the woman to even talk to me) The cat lady still refuses to pay anything. She did make one payment of R200 and that was it. I have now served her with a letter of demand.
Flat break in and stolen car - I'm looking at about R4500 in all to change the locks on the front door, change the car locks and alarm. Plus I have had to get a new car licence, got a fine because I don't have a licence (do have an affidavid - but left that at my mum's place) I have to replace my drivers licence and get a temporary one, have to buy a new spare rim and tyre and replace jumper leads and jack.
Resigned from my job - I cannot put any information here just yet so far as to say I'm not happy an had to make a decision. My last day is the 15th of December.
Then there have been things like leaving my car lights on so that my battery is flat in the middle of the rain. It's too much to bare. Getting a fine and though I explained to the officer the whole situation, he couldn't care less - plus it's known that the traffic cops are working for their christmas bonus. This is the only time they are ever out in full force - where are the cops when acutual crime takes place?? When these kind of things happen now I just feel so very beaten down and it knocks me back 5 or 6 steps and I find that I have to claw my way back to get back to feeling normal - I don't want that to be my life - struggle struggle struggle. What kind of life is that and is that life even worth living then?
Included in all of this are huge insecurities about me and my weight issue and I'm finding it so very difficult to get back on track. No matter how much I tell myself food won't help, I have turned to it for comfort. I can't carry on for various reasons - no one will want to hire me for one!!! A big reason too! People do tend to judge your potential based on the outter appearance - which is so fickle - so many people may look like 'nothing' but blow you away. Potential clients may not want to deal with a fatty. I do have more than 6 weeks to whip my butt into literal shape before I start a new phase in my life (I'll share more info later one).
Yeah I'm feeling a bit low. Yeah I'm not that strong mentally right now. Yeah little things push me back and I have had horrible suicidal thoughts - serious thoughts....BUT I got to give it go. I got to live this life, I've got to keep on trying. I've never failed at anything in my life! I'm not about to start now. Though the mountain ahead is massive, I've got to put one foot in front of the other, put my head down and climb!
If you know me personally - encourage me with a sms, a mail, a little love, healing words/thoughts/prayers. If you only know me via facebook, my blog, JWN - the same would be appreciated. That is all I ask - a little help in the form of encouragement to keep on at it.
Thank you to my precious mum who has still been such a rock for me in this shakey time.
Lou
Monday, 07 November 2011
Verbal Purge Of Note
Jeez, where do I even start........
Rewind to Wednesday evening last week - 2nd November 2011. I visited my mother, may have had dinner and watched some telly. Got home at about 10pm, got ready for bed, set the alarm for quite early as I had an important meeting in the morning.
Thursday morning 6 am: I woke up, had a bath, brushed the lint off my black skirt, got dressed, did my makeup and went to grab my bag to leave for work. 7:20am: I couldn't find my handbag and spent the next 10 minutes looking around in frustration. I wondered if I had left it at my mother's, but ruled that out as I had my cellphone and I carry that in my bag. Did I leave it in the car? Also very odd that I would do that. Went to grab my car keys on the dresser in my lounge and that is when it hit - my keys (flat, car, gearlock and access buzzer) were gone, along with the spares!!!!! Grabed the hidden spare to let myself out of the flat, looked at my parking and it was bare! My car wasn't there. You'll only know how I felt if you've ever had your car stolen. Slow shock registered and I automatically phoned my mother - voicemail - phoned my brother and in a semi hysterical voice told my mother my car had gone. **Cue - gutteral sobbing** It came from my soul, I let it all out, I cried so hard, and in that moment I cried for my uncle and for myself and the position I found myself in. Weeks of frustration/tension broke in that dam of tears and ripped from my core.
The freaky thing about this incident is that there was no forced entry! I then started to doubt myself if I had locked up, or did I leave the keys hanging in front of the door - it drove me crazy. So I was sleeping and unwelcome people were invading my space and stealing from me. The enormity of that hit me - I had my life - it could have gone very ugly, horrifically wrong.
My bag with it's contents were taken: purse and some money +/-R200, ID, drivers license, credit/bank/store cards, 2 data sticks containing all my photos and other info (nothing too important), lipstick and perfume. My original car keys with remote control to the alarm, house key, access buzzer and gearlock taken along with the spare set. My car!
I phoned my boss and initially was told that it was understandable, but may send a car to pick me up...huh? Next up, reporting it to the South African Police. I dialled 10111 at 7:30 am - they rocked up after another 4 or 5 calls about about 9. They took all my details and told me a detective would be assigned to the case. I was so relieved it was a competent woman officer!
Next up all the phone calls started. Cancelling various bank,credit and store cards - getting references. Phoning my insurance and reporting the car stolen and requesting paperwork - all those phone calls by mobile will push up the phone bill drastically!
The first thing I had to do was make my home as secure as I could again. Went and bought a new lock for the front door with new keys and my dad changed it there and then, had a mini argument with the super insisting I was not giving anyone a spare key until I moved out. Shut up all windows, fed Belle, went to the bank to collect a new bank card and order new cards. Tears would fall from my eyes, I had to just suck it up.
What do I do for a car.....of course I was anxious as now I found myself facing a huge debt - something I really didn't want to do and was looking for the best way to approach this. Went to a reputable car auction place called Burchmore's. Found a little TATA with 33 000 on the clock and put down a holding deposit.
2:30pm Met with Detective Z and his partner. Initially I didn't like the look of them as they didn't look like police and I asked for indentification before I let them up to my place. What they came to detect was very UNclear as they literally walked in, looked at my window, looked at the door and asked me how the theives got in **shrug** I'm no detective - but I still gave my theories 1) came through the window on the portch: since I'm on the first floor and it's highish up, I leave the window a little open for air, so in the dead of night they could've come with ladders and snuck in that way 2) they had a key to my flat and as my brother proved it's quite easy to slip the chain off if you have slim hands. Once in it was easy access to my bag and keys. They detected for about 10 minutes and left. Later on that day I got a text from the police with my case number *check*
Well I was a mess and though I know these things happen to anybody I couldn't help but ask "why me", "what did I do that this happend to me". I got a call from a friend to remind me that it was random, I wasn't singled out, it's just a material possession - all true and I totally agreed and still agree, BUT, I wanted to know why. I am just human after all, and though a decent, pleasant, peace loving, hard working and general nice human being - it happend.....I think the Karma theory needs some work.
I needed to find my VESA certificate for insurance, I had the alarm fitted 9 years ago and knew I had the paperwork and yet no matter how hard and long I looked in my filing consitina, I couldn't find it. That is when I totally and fabulously cracked....in a horrific scary way. I clawed at my face and neck and proceeded to punch myself about the head screaming that I was a stupid bitch for losing the paper and that I wouldn't get paid out. I dug my nails into my thighs, pulled a clump of my hair out and lost it on an epic scale. I thought the best way out was for me to die. To leave this world and all it's shit behind. I didn't deserve this and had done nothing to bring this upon myself...I lost my reasoning mind....I walked into the kitchen and poured myself a full glass of jik kitchen cleaner and wondered if I drank it, would it poison me enough to die. I took one gulp, closed my eyes against the rising vomit as it hit my stomach. It was disgusting! I could feel my lips and the back of my tongue go numb. Nope I couldn't drink it all and poured it back into the bottle. That is how desperate I felt in that moment.
Thursday night: I couldn't sleep even though I had taken some tranquilisers/calmets to help me relax and a sleeping pill. I laid on the couch with Esther ( my mom's preggie sausage dog ), my hand rubbing her bulging tummy (very comforting feeling) and just thinking and staring and thinking and zoning out. Eventually I got some sleep.
Friday: I got a phone call from a guy named George: He had found my car in Illovo Township, down southcoast way. He went over the car and by the sound of it there was no significant damage. Relief! At least now I didn't have to get into debt for a car. I phoned the detective at 8:30 am and told him the news, I asked him to contact the civilian and organise to go collect the car. As far as I know that Detective Z still hasn't called George. I made sure though that I phoned the police station where the case had been opened up. George and his mate drove the car right through to my local police station becuase of the bad reputation of Toti station and the Isipigo Pound (yes the cops are corrupt too and once your car is in the pound can get stripped and you'll be lucky to see your car again). I sat at the police station for nearly 5 hours. Detective Z was no longer on the case and I had Detective UMG. Detective UMG didn't know a thing about the case. I spoke to 3 other Detectives, 1 lieutenant, 2 Captains and had the number of the Major in charge of the detectives and had to threaten to phone him and make a case against Detective UMG before UMG showed up. No fingerprints were taken as the civilians had compromised the evidence, not that it would have helped much. Eventually I had to drive my car all the way to Isipingo so that they could check that the engine and chassy hadn't been tampered with. 5 min and that was done, and another drive back to the berea police station to do the hand over, write the statement and sign off. Detective UMG didn't know what paper work needed filling in and had to repeatedly call on other officers. Once it was all done, he got up and walked out the office, leaving me and all the paperwork. I thought he had gone to get something. 30 mins passed and I was still sitting waiting. Went to the officers working and asked where Detective UMG was. They phoned him - he had walked out the room, forgotten about me and the papers and driven off.
Though a hellishly long day - I got my car!
Everything still felt like too much effort! I now had to phone the insurance people and change the claim from stolen to putting in a claim. Had to get 3 various quotes etc. My excess is R2500. After phoning around it was clear that I could get it done for about R1700 - by it I mean, changing the locks, remote, wiring, alarm and windown. So I opted for that and have reported to the insurance company that I would fix the car up. This saves a claim and my insurance from going up.
The weekend was a daze of anxiety, sleeping pills and just trying to keep my mind quiet. In all of this I wouldn't have made it through without my mother. She has been so absolutely amazing. Helped with insurance, with taking charge when I crumbled or couldn't make a decision. She really was my rock!
I was relieved that this hiccup though bad and freaky was done. I could move my stuff out asap and get on with living. No, no, no, life seemed to think I haven't had enough shit and piled another huge pile on me when I walked into the office. Work, well put it mildly - is not going well again. I am more than 2 weeks behind in my contracts, I cannot send out rates, I cannot give quotes, I cannot actually do the job I am paid to do, I cannot make a move until the bigger powers let me. Plus they want to touch my money - I'll do anything anyone wants me too, just don't mess around with my salary, especially if it's going to impact me negatively! I've shed a few tears today and the anxiety has reared it's head again and though I tell myself to cross the bridge when I get to it, that worry sits at the back of my mind.
To top it off - the cat lady hasn't paid me anything except R200. I'm still owed R2245 from that episode. Looks like I will have to start small claims court proceedings. I've given her 7 days to pay me out.
I made the decsion to move out of my flat so that I could become financially free and healthy, yet since that decision things have not gone that way. Yeah, I don't feel good about myself. I'm finding it hard to see the light at the end of the road. I feel lost, I feel betrayed, I feel sad. I know all of these things just effect the ego and the true I cannot suffer anything, but the ego mind, well it is warring a bit and I am trying to surrender, but finding it so hard to do so. I feel like if I surrender I die. Perhaps that is what is actually needed. I do need to die and when I say *I* I'm talking about the ego *I*.
This body of mine is tired. My head is sore. My heart is heavy. I'm looking for the light but right now all I see and feel is darkness enveloping me, suffocating me. I need to remind myself to breathe.
Rewind to Wednesday evening last week - 2nd November 2011. I visited my mother, may have had dinner and watched some telly. Got home at about 10pm, got ready for bed, set the alarm for quite early as I had an important meeting in the morning.
Thursday morning 6 am: I woke up, had a bath, brushed the lint off my black skirt, got dressed, did my makeup and went to grab my bag to leave for work. 7:20am: I couldn't find my handbag and spent the next 10 minutes looking around in frustration. I wondered if I had left it at my mother's, but ruled that out as I had my cellphone and I carry that in my bag. Did I leave it in the car? Also very odd that I would do that. Went to grab my car keys on the dresser in my lounge and that is when it hit - my keys (flat, car, gearlock and access buzzer) were gone, along with the spares!!!!! Grabed the hidden spare to let myself out of the flat, looked at my parking and it was bare! My car wasn't there. You'll only know how I felt if you've ever had your car stolen. Slow shock registered and I automatically phoned my mother - voicemail - phoned my brother and in a semi hysterical voice told my mother my car had gone. **Cue - gutteral sobbing** It came from my soul, I let it all out, I cried so hard, and in that moment I cried for my uncle and for myself and the position I found myself in. Weeks of frustration/tension broke in that dam of tears and ripped from my core.
The freaky thing about this incident is that there was no forced entry! I then started to doubt myself if I had locked up, or did I leave the keys hanging in front of the door - it drove me crazy. So I was sleeping and unwelcome people were invading my space and stealing from me. The enormity of that hit me - I had my life - it could have gone very ugly, horrifically wrong.
My bag with it's contents were taken: purse and some money +/-R200, ID, drivers license, credit/bank/store cards, 2 data sticks containing all my photos and other info (nothing too important), lipstick and perfume. My original car keys with remote control to the alarm, house key, access buzzer and gearlock taken along with the spare set. My car!
I phoned my boss and initially was told that it was understandable, but may send a car to pick me up...huh? Next up, reporting it to the South African Police. I dialled 10111 at 7:30 am - they rocked up after another 4 or 5 calls about about 9. They took all my details and told me a detective would be assigned to the case. I was so relieved it was a competent woman officer!
Next up all the phone calls started. Cancelling various bank,credit and store cards - getting references. Phoning my insurance and reporting the car stolen and requesting paperwork - all those phone calls by mobile will push up the phone bill drastically!
The first thing I had to do was make my home as secure as I could again. Went and bought a new lock for the front door with new keys and my dad changed it there and then, had a mini argument with the super insisting I was not giving anyone a spare key until I moved out. Shut up all windows, fed Belle, went to the bank to collect a new bank card and order new cards. Tears would fall from my eyes, I had to just suck it up.
What do I do for a car.....of course I was anxious as now I found myself facing a huge debt - something I really didn't want to do and was looking for the best way to approach this. Went to a reputable car auction place called Burchmore's. Found a little TATA with 33 000 on the clock and put down a holding deposit.
2:30pm Met with Detective Z and his partner. Initially I didn't like the look of them as they didn't look like police and I asked for indentification before I let them up to my place. What they came to detect was very UNclear as they literally walked in, looked at my window, looked at the door and asked me how the theives got in **shrug** I'm no detective - but I still gave my theories 1) came through the window on the portch: since I'm on the first floor and it's highish up, I leave the window a little open for air, so in the dead of night they could've come with ladders and snuck in that way 2) they had a key to my flat and as my brother proved it's quite easy to slip the chain off if you have slim hands. Once in it was easy access to my bag and keys. They detected for about 10 minutes and left. Later on that day I got a text from the police with my case number *check*
Well I was a mess and though I know these things happen to anybody I couldn't help but ask "why me", "what did I do that this happend to me". I got a call from a friend to remind me that it was random, I wasn't singled out, it's just a material possession - all true and I totally agreed and still agree, BUT, I wanted to know why. I am just human after all, and though a decent, pleasant, peace loving, hard working and general nice human being - it happend.....I think the Karma theory needs some work.
I needed to find my VESA certificate for insurance, I had the alarm fitted 9 years ago and knew I had the paperwork and yet no matter how hard and long I looked in my filing consitina, I couldn't find it. That is when I totally and fabulously cracked....in a horrific scary way. I clawed at my face and neck and proceeded to punch myself about the head screaming that I was a stupid bitch for losing the paper and that I wouldn't get paid out. I dug my nails into my thighs, pulled a clump of my hair out and lost it on an epic scale. I thought the best way out was for me to die. To leave this world and all it's shit behind. I didn't deserve this and had done nothing to bring this upon myself...I lost my reasoning mind....I walked into the kitchen and poured myself a full glass of jik kitchen cleaner and wondered if I drank it, would it poison me enough to die. I took one gulp, closed my eyes against the rising vomit as it hit my stomach. It was disgusting! I could feel my lips and the back of my tongue go numb. Nope I couldn't drink it all and poured it back into the bottle. That is how desperate I felt in that moment.
Thursday night: I couldn't sleep even though I had taken some tranquilisers/calmets to help me relax and a sleeping pill. I laid on the couch with Esther ( my mom's preggie sausage dog ), my hand rubbing her bulging tummy (very comforting feeling) and just thinking and staring and thinking and zoning out. Eventually I got some sleep.
Friday: I got a phone call from a guy named George: He had found my car in Illovo Township, down southcoast way. He went over the car and by the sound of it there was no significant damage. Relief! At least now I didn't have to get into debt for a car. I phoned the detective at 8:30 am and told him the news, I asked him to contact the civilian and organise to go collect the car. As far as I know that Detective Z still hasn't called George. I made sure though that I phoned the police station where the case had been opened up. George and his mate drove the car right through to my local police station becuase of the bad reputation of Toti station and the Isipigo Pound (yes the cops are corrupt too and once your car is in the pound can get stripped and you'll be lucky to see your car again). I sat at the police station for nearly 5 hours. Detective Z was no longer on the case and I had Detective UMG. Detective UMG didn't know a thing about the case. I spoke to 3 other Detectives, 1 lieutenant, 2 Captains and had the number of the Major in charge of the detectives and had to threaten to phone him and make a case against Detective UMG before UMG showed up. No fingerprints were taken as the civilians had compromised the evidence, not that it would have helped much. Eventually I had to drive my car all the way to Isipingo so that they could check that the engine and chassy hadn't been tampered with. 5 min and that was done, and another drive back to the berea police station to do the hand over, write the statement and sign off. Detective UMG didn't know what paper work needed filling in and had to repeatedly call on other officers. Once it was all done, he got up and walked out the office, leaving me and all the paperwork. I thought he had gone to get something. 30 mins passed and I was still sitting waiting. Went to the officers working and asked where Detective UMG was. They phoned him - he had walked out the room, forgotten about me and the papers and driven off.
Though a hellishly long day - I got my car!
Everything still felt like too much effort! I now had to phone the insurance people and change the claim from stolen to putting in a claim. Had to get 3 various quotes etc. My excess is R2500. After phoning around it was clear that I could get it done for about R1700 - by it I mean, changing the locks, remote, wiring, alarm and windown. So I opted for that and have reported to the insurance company that I would fix the car up. This saves a claim and my insurance from going up.
The weekend was a daze of anxiety, sleeping pills and just trying to keep my mind quiet. In all of this I wouldn't have made it through without my mother. She has been so absolutely amazing. Helped with insurance, with taking charge when I crumbled or couldn't make a decision. She really was my rock!
I was relieved that this hiccup though bad and freaky was done. I could move my stuff out asap and get on with living. No, no, no, life seemed to think I haven't had enough shit and piled another huge pile on me when I walked into the office. Work, well put it mildly - is not going well again. I am more than 2 weeks behind in my contracts, I cannot send out rates, I cannot give quotes, I cannot actually do the job I am paid to do, I cannot make a move until the bigger powers let me. Plus they want to touch my money - I'll do anything anyone wants me too, just don't mess around with my salary, especially if it's going to impact me negatively! I've shed a few tears today and the anxiety has reared it's head again and though I tell myself to cross the bridge when I get to it, that worry sits at the back of my mind.
To top it off - the cat lady hasn't paid me anything except R200. I'm still owed R2245 from that episode. Looks like I will have to start small claims court proceedings. I've given her 7 days to pay me out.
I made the decsion to move out of my flat so that I could become financially free and healthy, yet since that decision things have not gone that way. Yeah, I don't feel good about myself. I'm finding it hard to see the light at the end of the road. I feel lost, I feel betrayed, I feel sad. I know all of these things just effect the ego and the true I cannot suffer anything, but the ego mind, well it is warring a bit and I am trying to surrender, but finding it so hard to do so. I feel like if I surrender I die. Perhaps that is what is actually needed. I do need to die and when I say *I* I'm talking about the ego *I*.
This body of mine is tired. My head is sore. My heart is heavy. I'm looking for the light but right now all I see and feel is darkness enveloping me, suffocating me. I need to remind myself to breathe.
Tuesday, 01 November 2011
Take 2 Take 2 - 21 days
After my last 2 months I do need to have a bit of a detox - now I know I was meant to start this a week ago, that didn't happen, and no I didn't beat myself up over it. I don't have enough in the emotional reserves to do that. All I can do is forgive myself and pick it up and move on.
Right as I first stated when I started this journey, it takes 21 days to break or make a habit. I'm going back to that. It gives me a definate goal to work towards and something that is achievable - I've done it before remember. So 21 days / take 2 / let's go.
I won't be detoxing for the full 21 days - I'll only detox for a week to kick start and then go back to my eating plan. I know it's going to have it own trials and difficulties but know that I did it very succesfully a little while back gives me hope.
It's all about my personal decisions I make with regards to food. Do I say no or do I go ahead and just cheat because that is what I want. I know that. I can accept that responsibility. Even though there were factors involved in my little crumble I was still very aware of my decisions.
Something else that has changed and is quite a big thing for me is that I'm moving in with my gran. Sure at 35 you may think "why the hell would you do that". A couple of reasons. 1) I really want to be financially free, I want to be able to have the security of a decent nest egg that if I choose to leave employment I can do that, or when the times comes for that operation I can pay for it cash instead of taking a loan at ridiculous interest rates. In order to be able to financially free it is wise not to have any debts, the quickets and easiest way right now to free up 'big' money is to move in with my gran. 2) My gran is very lonely since my uncle has died. I only get to see her on the weekends, so this will help her out and I know even at her age, she likes to feel that she can still help out. ** Sometimes risk and sacrifice is needed to realise your dreams ** I am willing to do that. Another exciting chapter in my life. An opportunity for me to grow and may this parthway lead to a fulfillment of a dream.
Talking about finances, I am so sick and tired of this countries politions raping it's people. That is how I see the corrupt politions that use tax payers money to fund their lavish lifestyles and blatantly show off their ill gained weath. They do not / are not and will not make inroads in providing the people of South Africa with the services and lifestyle they require. These politions have deviated from their path and have grown "obese and lazy" in fulfilling their ministerial duties. They need to go on a serious diet - literally and figuratively. If I had a choice, I would not pay my taxes. I don't want the money I work for to line their pockets. Billions and billions of rands are mis apropriated and the governemnt seek new ways to skin us.
That is my political rant. I have noticed in the past year how my views have become a little radical - on health, politics, religion - radical perhaps is not the correct choice - passionate about what I stand for and believe in - yes that better describes it.
On the health side of things for eg: if you have diabeties - live the healthy lifestyle that will benefit you, you can't, like me, just eat what you want without consequinces. If you refuse to change your lifestyle you cannot complain when complications arise from your illness. It would be hypocritical. I can't complain about putting on weight when I haven't watched what I've eaten. You got to take responsibility for your own actions or even lack of action.
This next month I'm going to be cutting out the fat / what I don't need to move with me. It's a step I want to take because I want something better for myself later on.
Don't be afraid of risk. Don't be afraid to even take a step back if you get a better view of where you want to go and how to make it happen.
Health is wealth.
Right as I first stated when I started this journey, it takes 21 days to break or make a habit. I'm going back to that. It gives me a definate goal to work towards and something that is achievable - I've done it before remember. So 21 days / take 2 / let's go.
I won't be detoxing for the full 21 days - I'll only detox for a week to kick start and then go back to my eating plan. I know it's going to have it own trials and difficulties but know that I did it very succesfully a little while back gives me hope.
It's all about my personal decisions I make with regards to food. Do I say no or do I go ahead and just cheat because that is what I want. I know that. I can accept that responsibility. Even though there were factors involved in my little crumble I was still very aware of my decisions.
Something else that has changed and is quite a big thing for me is that I'm moving in with my gran. Sure at 35 you may think "why the hell would you do that". A couple of reasons. 1) I really want to be financially free, I want to be able to have the security of a decent nest egg that if I choose to leave employment I can do that, or when the times comes for that operation I can pay for it cash instead of taking a loan at ridiculous interest rates. In order to be able to financially free it is wise not to have any debts, the quickets and easiest way right now to free up 'big' money is to move in with my gran. 2) My gran is very lonely since my uncle has died. I only get to see her on the weekends, so this will help her out and I know even at her age, she likes to feel that she can still help out. ** Sometimes risk and sacrifice is needed to realise your dreams ** I am willing to do that. Another exciting chapter in my life. An opportunity for me to grow and may this parthway lead to a fulfillment of a dream.
Talking about finances, I am so sick and tired of this countries politions raping it's people. That is how I see the corrupt politions that use tax payers money to fund their lavish lifestyles and blatantly show off their ill gained weath. They do not / are not and will not make inroads in providing the people of South Africa with the services and lifestyle they require. These politions have deviated from their path and have grown "obese and lazy" in fulfilling their ministerial duties. They need to go on a serious diet - literally and figuratively. If I had a choice, I would not pay my taxes. I don't want the money I work for to line their pockets. Billions and billions of rands are mis apropriated and the governemnt seek new ways to skin us.
That is my political rant. I have noticed in the past year how my views have become a little radical - on health, politics, religion - radical perhaps is not the correct choice - passionate about what I stand for and believe in - yes that better describes it.
On the health side of things for eg: if you have diabeties - live the healthy lifestyle that will benefit you, you can't, like me, just eat what you want without consequinces. If you refuse to change your lifestyle you cannot complain when complications arise from your illness. It would be hypocritical. I can't complain about putting on weight when I haven't watched what I've eaten. You got to take responsibility for your own actions or even lack of action.
This next month I'm going to be cutting out the fat / what I don't need to move with me. It's a step I want to take because I want something better for myself later on.
Don't be afraid of risk. Don't be afraid to even take a step back if you get a better view of where you want to go and how to make it happen.
Health is wealth.
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