Back to Black Coffee and Fructose

I sit here with a very resigned look on my face.  All the way back to step 5 - I haven't put on all the weight I lost but I have put on a lot of it. Yeah I've given my head the shake of dispair, I've been down in the gutter. I have felt absolutely shit about myself.

My life has been on a spiral - down.   The unhealthy spiral, the depressed spiral, the suicidal spiral.  Yeah, there have been such dark days where I saw no light whatsoever.

So out of the chaos what can I do?  Take back at least one aspect of control - my eating.

All the days of promising myself to get back on track have come to today. I've started and I'm already fantasising about a plate of fries!  Back to 21 days of habit breaking, back to lecturing myself, man I"m a record that goes round and round. 

If anything at least I know that the eating plan works!  I should lose the weight I've put on in a couple of months.  I know that I"ll be giving myself pep talks.  I've got to get back in control.  I was doing so brilliantly.

Now that my uncle has gone, I have to keep that promise I made...for me.

I start again.  Here I go.

Volunteering

....it not as easy as it would seem.  I've been doing quite a bit of research and you can't simply up and volunteer your services these days.  There are tons of questions and qualifications you need before you can even apply.  Some place like UNV (united nations volunteering) only considers people who have a tertiary degree - erm hello is not my time, desire to help enough these days, oh and my little bit of spanish?

I went from looking in Uganda (that is still on the cards by the way) to checking out something a little more closer in Lesotho - unfortunately nothing is happening there - okay I didn't really go all that deep into the search.

All I want to do is help - get out there, help others so that I can get out from this dark cloud of gloom.  I will perhpas look a lil closer to home and see if there is something I can do locally for now, see if I can cope.

A thought popped into my head....when things are going well there are so many well wishes, back patters, encouragement, yet when things turn...not so much hey. 

...........................and I have nothing else to share or rather I just don't want too.